THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 180, 28 November 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's jage? Parade bis error m the public eye 1 . A.nd Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

Dqn't be a pig ih a joke. Bar • gold—Fees to a solicitor. a . ■ • » Water bored— The teetotaller. : : • ■'• . • ,- A . Sewerage Bill— The milkman's v / Remains to, be seen—A mummy. * , * ■ • • . • Rooted m pride— The family tree.; All up— The passenger* s -breakfast. 1 • • ■ • • . • •• A domestic bird— A duck of a wife/ A "rare" treat— An underdone steak. ■ • • . ■ ■ • A spit for damages— The small boy's, . Takes a lot -out of one— A sea voyage. . . w • - m '•■-' ■ Kissing goes by favor by cash. . ■ » .""•:. p, ' '.-.. ■ Gait money— A Joot-runner's winnings. A wise man eats his lollies m his yofuth. • • '■ • f ■ ' " * A bad egg is: all i the better for a crack. * ■ •- • ■■ •' ■■ Cash advances— Courting a rich woman. ■m '■ . • . .•■ . Joint proprietors— Butcher* m partnership. : y : * ■''•-' * A good thing is always bad for somebody. ; y * ■ » • ' •;•;' An attack of the blues— A raid by the police. ■■.■■•' * ' . ' ■■» Self-made men are often shockingly bungled, It's a- good alderman that aever bumbles. * . .» ' » "A shot bird", often .turns out a "stiff 'un." ' : . . . • • « •. People who give the Devil his due often add a tip. * • • I Maids of honor— Those - who do not jilt their lovers. i* • . Often speaks his mind— The man who says nothing. * • * The best way to rise m the world is to take a lift. '.'A gay lady" as a rule is merely a distressed female. * * . • Men of means are generally known by the mien of men. * • « Politics— The art of living at the expense of the public. '• * ' ''The woman who did'? generally ends by wishing to heaven she hadn't. » * * A- "day-lie" queries: "What's- m a name? 1 ' Well, if its Russian— half the alphabet. * * * Mr Taft claims that he has been elected by American business men. This is the worst thing "Critic" has heard .said of him. * * * "Briggy" Bruntnell, the well-known, temperance lecturer delivered a lecture on his life story "From Pub, to Parliament" up country the other day and charged, a bob to hear his life history. Bet he was longer m the pub. than m Parliament.

Alfred G. Chatham, arrested as a vagrant at Rotorua, was found dead m the police cells. He was ill when found, and said he had been ill previously but did not want a doctor. He appeared better at midnight when last seen alive. Deceased comes from New South Wales. Quite so. The police idea of a sick or healthy man is often peculiar, and every death as the one quoted should be exhaustively inquired -into.

Foul water— A chick pond. ' y:: :.-.. / • :; •:: ■■■• /As you sell, 1 so must you lie< A wowser man will have his pray. * . * • A bad servant makes a "rude" master. •• • •V ' ':• ' ..■;'■ A bang on the head is .worth two .on the .tail. . , ./ "Just one more !" .is .the- Devil's best argument. .. N ... ..» .... . ,» .... •...' ' Bait with money and you'll • catch plenty of flies. - • • m ■' ■ ,-.•'■■ Don't run away with more than ycu can marry. ■ Sauce from the goose is always for the gander's benefit. ' *■ V . • . ■''■• The publican's prayer: "May the summer be a scorcher !" .;• ■ ■ »Y. '' "",• • • " Love is an excuse, for marriage— money a justification of it. Put a beggar on horsback, and he'll ask for a motor car. ■' . • .• • . The softer .the head the harder it is to drive , anything^ into it. \ " '-'' "' Never save up for to-morrow the cash you can "blew" to-day.- --» • » Men of the world -are at times »o credit sto the establishmeßt. • . . V\ « To prevent the hours from dragging apply the spur ol the moment. » • . ■ a An idle head is the devil's workshop, an empty one his designing room.. ,Some women boast they never retail scandal. Qifite true ; they deal m it wholesale. ' a- •' a .a A girl m Sydney fell- dead while singing m church, Possibly some of her audience envied her. • a ">. a A noticeable thing about a grocer is that when he sells his goods he always gives them a-weigh. • l .\ - • • A foreign railway recently advertised for some, missing carriages. Some people think nothing of taking a train. •■' • '.'. • ■•. a ' . .a There is more excitement m Wellington jover the" finding ■: of one dirty man than there is over a hundred clean ones. ■ • w '• . • ■ •'' ■ A man m London attacked a German banker named Schlitte, and after shoeting at him "schlitte" him up with a knife. ; «, . * ".a a The majority of those who boast they are connected With some of the /best houses forget to mention that it is by telephone. ■*V * ' " Fifty sailors have been poisoned -on a^ French s battleship, from eating tinned meat. Chicago hath her victories no less renowned than war. , ' v ■•■ .... ■" :• ,fc; Tommy Taylor was^ actually seen^ to smile on election night. Many people who had never, seen Thomas grin before were appalled at the spectacle. • ■ . ' • . ' • "A woman's mission m life, is to be beautiful," says a well-known writer. This, then;, accounts for the number of women' who have no aim m life. a a * An Irish orator recently told his audK ence that they were standing on a precipice that would be a weight on their necks all the days of their lives. a . « v a After about ten months' of matrimony a man enters his wife's boudoir with about as much thrilling emotion as he feels on stepping -into a tramcar ! * * * Here's a candid and out of the common matrimonial adyt. a|b last. . . . "Wanted a wife. Prospective husband poor, old, bad tempered. Apply, etc." * • a You may be dead shook on the girl, but that doesn't give you license to gently bite her ear as you go spinning round, well upon the toes, m a merry «waltz. In London recently, a society dasher of the peroxided order was struck by a falling bottle m a fashionable hairdresser's shop. She was oaken home and dyed next morning. *a • » She softly hums : "Good-night !" as past you go, When policemen are not there and lights are low, And on her cheek the blush serenely sits, For paint supplies what modesty omits. .-■ • • ' a An article on "Superstition" appeared m a daily sausage wrap, which began ; "That imbecility is not on 'the wane will be proved by the following lines." It is hardly fair of the paper to give the journalist who wrote it, away like that. «. • a . • . There is nothing more exasperating when making love to a modest damsel on a park seat m the moonlight than to be touted by a dozen larky small boys yelling out, "Why doncher 'marry the girl !"— "Oh, 111 tell your mother !" and such persecutions. a • a . '» Here' is a reward notice a bit out of the common, which appeared m print last week :— "£1 Reward.— Lost, stolen or strayed. Lady of uncertain age ; two pretty children. The stock and furniture of various owners. Also the lodger."

Gilt needs no refuser. .-.'•<" " * . -•-' ■■■■■ -**■«• ' ■ Better bluff than blither. * ■•.'.*• In-tents, excitement— Panic m a circus. • * N .-••■...- ■ A lie has legs, but a scandal wears 'tights. ■ ■ • ■ - The grandest verse m existence— The Universe. ■ . » a •- ■ ,1 V A .handful of gay life is worth a bushel lof burning./ \. ■ . ■ A woman of pleasure is not necessarily' a woman of leisure. '•a * * The man of the hour soon becomes a thimg of no moment. ■ * ■* * ■ ■ Allowing for a little vanity, heroes are much like other men. ■■■ ■ . • The man who should be wrapped ' .m slumber— One who snores. •■■■•' • ■ Strange that the first pair were th« first to cat the first apple. * . * *- ■ People' who make spectacles of themselves can be easily seen through. a.:-. -- *■':-. »'■■'•. j Between two fools we sometimes coma to the groundwork of the matter. j • ■■■ • "■■■■ ■ A philosopher is a man who bears other ' people's troubles with resignation. No man meets' with such a severe blow ' as he who throws advice to the winds. * • - • A good word is easier said than an ill one ; but many folk prefer taking trouble.. * ■ « A drunken trade— The glazier's. .He must* always have his glass before he can work. • 1 Love is the ■ dizzy: flight m a balloonmarriage the downward plunge into cold water. „ ' •■• • ' • A breezy manner is not that possessed by the man who is always airing His views. '..'.: • -\ • A love affair is like a run m a motorcar—the higher the speed the surer the smash. . 'wa ' • Beauty is no inheritance. That's why we "see so many self-made Beauties around. : . People who spend their .lives hunting down lies have no time for the pursuit of Truth. •■' • • v. The girl who starts off by calling her lover a duck generally finds him a goose m the end. * • • Home Rule has been buried ".these ten years, declares . a paper. This is a grave matter for the Irish. ' An egotist is a man who will persist m talking about himself, when*you want to talk about yourself. V ; • ■ • * Some people are like the rainbow. They look fine, but when the sun does not shine they are gone. Anxious inquiries are rife as to where the scales are to be found . that are used for weighing the consequences. . ••• • ' An automatic telephone girl has been invented m America. The ought-to-hurry-up girl is the .only kind known m New Zealand. • • •• * •• The man who comes on the stage exactly at his cue is prompt, but the man who does . not come on at all is the prompter. * * • Said that Tommy Burns intends to puljlish a book of his reminiscences ' Having had a striking career, the book ought to make a hit, * ■■ * • The difference between a foolish woman and a looking-glass is that one reflects without speaking, and the .other speaks without reflecting. « a « One or more well-known sly-grog sellers m Wellington Central are reported to have struck out the top line and voted for Fisher. So "Dahn" apparently is representing a crook industry. * * • The Carcoar (New South Wales) hairy man has died from shock. He refused to take a drink when offered to him, saying he had been a teetotaler, for 40 years. The strain of the refusal was too much for him. ; .' •'• ■ • The British cruiser squadron, after visiting South Africa, has gone to South America. When they're done looking up all the mongrels, perhaps they may find time to visit a real white people m New Zealand. ■ * • I> Ramsay Smith, at the recent Melbourne Medical Conference, stated that he knew of a blackfellqw who cquld play air of Handel's oratorios on the organ. A suburbanite, with the 'flu, can deliver oratorios without the handle. •■■■•■ ■ From the Auckland "Star" :— CHRISTIAN Man, good references, working class, with 100 acres freehold farm, close to wharf and station, handy Auckland, wishes to correspond with" Young Christian Lady, with small means, with view to matrimony ; age 32.— Address A, 100, Star Office. Anyhow, the coot who cants' about his Christianity is worse than a confidence man,' though the latter is generally more , honest.

'A light purse is a dark curse.; On the contrary— Riding a mule.: •■ * ■■ • "' • '■• ■ ■ • Young flats rtfake good wowsers.-^ ■■■ . ■ -r • • * ' . As the cash clinks the girl winks.. • . • . ; • " A spieler, is known by his "flute."- --• '• .* . -„ All's not mug that conies to the bet. A Nevada (JJ.S.A,) motto : Deatli lon-a" a mining shark, "'■•■* - * m ' . The ladies' tailors make more bloomers than most people. Man is born for trouble and finds it without seeking it- . ; / Matrimony explodes all prudery. And it doesn't stop there. • • • ■ . Some husbands are not equal to chopping wood, they're superior. ■-...' ■ • . ' • > • Pair play's a jewel, but some folks don't care much for jewellery. i ■•. ■ • The thick and the dead ? ' * .Young couples spooning m a cemetery ! . Nothing makes Vice more (Vicious than to see Virtue shrinking from it ! • * ■ Virtue is the only true nobility. Well, this is' a singularly democratic age. ■■-■•.% • It's a wise woman never does any-, thing to test her hushan'd's devotion. „••« . ; Y#ff y • ' The Devil is Wy^^a^ /'black as he is painted, still, he. is always a dark horse. • V . »' : "' ' • "Did you feel the earthquake last Sunday ?" "No, but- 1 %it the bed shake."- 1 And so did most .of us. V ■ •-■;• .' ;■'■?' '.*''■■ If a woman is pretty when she's youag she may be sure that m twenty or thirty years' time she'll be pretty old. » » * There is nothing more annoying m the tips and downs of life than trying to keep up appearances and keep down expenses. ; ■ . " • •■ Many, women can make their dwn clothes, but it is only a few who can make them without letting the others suspect it. ».,"■• • • Latest from the Sunday schools : "Who was Solomon?" "He was -the man with three hundred wives and five hundred cucumbers." I ■■• ■* '. /: ■ •'■.'■-• •■■' ' " I A good wife is like ivy, The greater the ruin .the'^ closer she clings. So is a bad one. The closer she clings the greater \the ruin. s .' ■ ■ • ■ Heard m a Lambton Quay hairdressery : Victim, "Politics are m the air." Clipper- "The air of the 'cad or the hair ol the, hatmosphere. I .••■•■■ • ... • Do not judge men by their raiment- or by their speech. Flattery is a cheap and belittling thing, and many a shabby man has a noble 50u1. .. . j .' ■ • • ; • ♦-' ! A woman's idea of a holiday is an [occasion on k which, she can display her best clothes. A" man's, an opportunity for discarding his. , a :•-:• • •• • y ; "In mi writins," .observes Josh. Billings, "I.hay allways had two objekts m view— one waz to do sum good, and the other to get my pay for it." j l ■■•■'• -.- • . • • In Java a marriage is not complete until the bride washes the feet 08 the bridegroom That's somewhat different to' the New Zealand ceremony... ••'■•■ '• There is only one way to stop your missus from nagging at you m bedjust place your foot gently m the small of her back, and push her out ! A wealthy girl is as wary as a black bream to hook.' But well tempted with the burly of flattery by a bogus Count, and she will bite like a schnapper. ■ • * The girl who sits back m a chair and puffs a cigarette, with both heels on the maritlepiece, is one who seldom shrieks for women's rights. She simply takes them on the quiet. • • w An Irish M.P. says that a tax, on leather would press heavily on the bare--, footed peasantry of Ireland, which static meht is inclined to be doubted by the House of Commons. •• • ■ Two hundred women employed by aConnecticut firm went on strike .because their employers wanted to know their ages, m ordeij to promote the three* oldest to the position of inspector. • * • „ There is a naive • simplicity about this, advertisement which likes us much :— Young woman seeks employment (December), any capacity, where she can have her baby. Husband abroad.— Write, etc. The Parisian women 1 have struck a new idea, that of taking afternoon tea m the clouds. Nothing could be nicer than sipping the choicest congou / and talking scandal m a balloon. They daren't fall out. • • • According to Presbyterian parson J. K. Elliott absence from church appears to be one of the worst forms of Sabbath desecration m New Zealand. Wanted : An Act to make non-church going a crime, punishable by listening to a drivelling discourse of three hours duration. Anyhow, that's what it is fast coming to m this Devil's .Own [ Country*