THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 144, 21 March 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who caiiunflaiinted brave the Critic's rage 1 • Orjiote unmoved Jiis mention m tfca Critic's page? Parado his error m the public eye ? : Arid Motliev Gvundy's rage defy? .• . ' The, aim, of living is to live. A sweep result : Soot m the fireplace. " * ...... ■ * • The punter who is not a philosopher dies early of a. broken heart. ■ .'•' ■ j; i : ■• ■ ■;.. .•.•*• ■ •■ . *. .- One way of picking a quarrel is to ask 3 ? our- friends to tell your faults. ' Wfien a woman's skirt -is all right, she thinks more, of her life than her flounces. „,.,...• The cutest man in 'the world is the man of mean ability, who avails him•self of others' stupidity.a v yi : . Man is popularly supposed to eat to live, but by thunder ! nowadays he eats a lot of stuff to It ill. Unions are m the air, but one that is more urgently 'needed, and would achieve greater results than all the others combined, is hardly ever mentioned, and that is a journalists' union. The boy reporter, the irresponsible Bohemian who would write down his father for half-a-crown, and the well-paid civil servant who pens a leader for five bob, and the rest of the wasters who block the path o! I progress wouki be koc-ck « -out.;

Women are now the equal of men m the -political world. Lot them combine and see that they are equal on the wages pay-sheet. That will knock ; sweating; , out m one act. "'- -: ••' ■ " ■'•-•"" >■.'"..;.' ■'■"■ ■'■ * ; '■ ■' Arthur Ruddy, scullery man from the- Grand Hotel, is m trouble. Was .arrested last, Tuesday for an alleged nameless offence on the Plunderland animal that's noted for it's hump. Ruddy stands remanded till next Wednesday. South Australia's Governor, Sir G. Le Hunt, sometimes conducts divine service and preaches' his own sermons, m the absence of rectors, etc. For what she' lias not received m the way of amateur-parson governors, New Zealand can yet be thankful. Women who are .fond of seeing their names m the .social column of the daily papers, would do well to remember that the announcement of the days they will "not be at -home," is likely to be looked upon by burglars, etc., as a good chance, to -visit the house. "Critic" is informed of one hpuseholdei>who so suffered. The name 1 of his wife does not now appear m the silly column of the slobbering sheets, because the boss has • forbidden it. 'n • v Wellington 'tec. Connolly, whose heart is built m proportion to his general burliness, had a painful, duty to perform last ' Tuesday; -when he had to "pineh I 'one James Hancock, who was wanted at Stratford for some alleged theft. Worse of the whole biz. was Hancock, who wason Wednesday ordered back . to Stratford, was m Wellington and was matrimonially inclined. On ;Wednesday he was due to have taken a blushing bride before the re^istrat and vow the usual vows. What a •theme anyhow for- a' penny dreadful. Trembling like an aspen leaf, with breast unbared, teath chattering, and a general aroma' of accumulated diet, Sarah Jamiespn hobbled into Wellington's S.M." C;ourt dock on Monday charged under the vag. Beer, no doubt, the cause of Sal's downfall. Beer always conieth before a fall, and Sal was remanded for a wash and medical attention generally. There are plenty of Sarah's sort m the "Empire City," and the police, for the dirty creature's own sakes, ought to lock them up. Their presence m the city might drive foreign capital away. . .i« ♦ • Wellington Moaning "Times" recently perpetrated a huge libel on Taihape and the ■ Main Trunk route generally, but, m pursuance of the Microbe's .policy to shake things up, the wretched, weak-kneed -morning wobbler- didn't stick* to facts.; a-nd Taihapeans are threaten-in ir bloodshed. ' Moreover, the "special's" ignorance re contractors Anderson and the Makototc Viaduct suggests that the -'-special was written on the "Times' V premises, aim the scene was viewed through , a beer-glass telescope* The Taihape paper protested against the "Times'.' twaddle and p.olitely called it a sanguinary maker of unfounded assertions. , : ..,-..-. : .-.-— ....•/ - < ' New Zealand is cursed with the worst possible form, of Bumbledom. It's the same , m the city, as- in the village-, and it will ever remain .so under the present iniquitous system of Hospital and other Boards, the .members of * which live on the game of cold and stony charity. * Auckr land's Trades and Labor Council recently discussed the case of a servant girl who suffered from varicose veins, and after having been received at the Auckland Hospital, bathed and put to bed,, was compelled to leave ;the : hospital, and had to walk to Ponsoniby, some two miles, not having the . money to pay her return tram fare. She was told to go to the Nbrtfiern Wairoa Hospital, having admitted that she had been up north on a short holiday. Ged. H. Morgan married m recent years and made a mess of it, and the inevitable parting and smashing of vows resulted. ' Next Geo. H. M. was police-courted and ordered to pay 7s 6d per week maintenance: Geo. is a passive resister, and resisted the order with a great resist, and eventually got m the clutches of the Law for disobedience. Last Monday he I elected to go before a jury, but as he was remanded and couldn't find bail, a couple of days m the "nick" brought George to his proper bearings, and on Wednesday he altered his plea to guilty and summary jurisdiction, and got a month if he didn't pay the arrears, and a tonguethrashing from Beak Riddell for wasting the "CoortW valuable time and causing all round inconvenience. Which, of course, is the dignified expression of the Court's displeasure, but "Critic" wishes to ask. with becoming respect, when was Magistrate Riddel J or c\< other Magistrate, given power to' upbraid a prisoner who elected to go before a jurw . and then changes his mind, and takes his chance summarily. Without being disrespectful "Crittc" wishes to observe that the Magisterial comments might be very often applied to' tli« wretched waste of lime of which Others ;W»&n pi ' "ty

Bookmakers should not be called hens because they "lay." v * * * In the present changeable weatherone day hot, .. the^njEgct .cold-^raaay. a. backer -of horses can't for the life of him decide which of his clothes to pop. • * * . « Somebody is threatening the Welfington Working Men's Club with Tommy Taylor avid an article m the "Vanguard." Beer, like other curses and chickens, come home to roost. , ' . j * ■■ ■'* a * The liorrible jangling of Christchurch Cathedral chimes on Sunday morning is like unto 163 shickcrcd Hi eland pipers playing different laments m oije turgid stream of disharmony. .<■: , . • ".' ■ * ■ . • Curious are the ways of the sbioping repoi'ter. Last Saturday's "Post's" shipping columns seems to have been converted into a sort of accouchement chronicle. "Critic" presumes to think that it is a new kind of "berth notice." Moreover, ladies m an interesting condition will hardly relish the new innovation of the pious penny "Post." * . • * The latest proposal is to establish a "Central Mental Hospital somewhere m the vicinity of Taihape. The local paper unkindly observes : "Tau-. maruniii is asserting . that it is the fit and proper place ,for the Main Trunk Line mental hospital. Judging by the effects of King x Countrv whisky on those; who drink it, we arc inclined to agree with Taumarunui. «! <* " Temuka "Leader" has been imagining things. Thus its recent apoloprv to any Bill Boyd that hanncned alone : "In our report of the proceedings ,of -the Magistrate's Court, Temuka, on. February. 25th it was. stated that William, Boyd was charged with riisordcrlv . conduct ' and threatening conditct while drunk. Tlus was an errbr, as no one named Boyd appeared before the Court, and we regret if the mistake m the name caused annoyance, to anyone." The Harbor Master, or whatever ib is that receives declarations from A.B.s re their lost discharges, makes a charge of five shillings. Why ? and where does lie receive the power to make that charge? Ibis not ckme m any other maritime port m \tlvc world, and why should Wellington make a precedent ? It's hard cnouph for sailors .who have lost ■ their V. discharges to. 'Ret a berth, but this toll of a dollar is the toughest thine: "Critic" has heard cf for some time past / . • . ♦ ■• Why is it when big firms evade the Law that the Crown legal representative offers the opinion that the evasion was not deliberate. ,Js it'th© almignty pulL that "Fat" always commands. Several Wellington firms of importers, ihe hie men of course, are due to appear like drunks aiwl deadbeats at the S-M. Court next wwlc fOT failing to forward to the registrar of companies a list of its members and summary for the year 1907. One firm has been fined, and the Crown was convinced that the neglect was not. deliberate. Perhaps not ; but let Bill-Jones f-a-il- to register his dog. or send his kid to school, or any .other breach, and Bill is made an example of. -.■■■•■'•' " ■ ■ • "Critic's" experiences of Wellington doss-houses -is limited, but h9 hears. a' lot. -'about them, ami attension if called to t one m Plimmcr's steps/which ought to be overhauled by the City Inspector or the Health Department sleuths. It reeks, hums, or m language plain stinks so loud, that one ' V imagines it to.be a cry for help. '' Vermin infest, the place, and Jim- Smiley; who once beton a bug race, would there make a fortune as a licensed book. A penny extra charged for a candle. Eighteen pence, is wanted before a key is. supplied^ .which is a nuavantec of good faith that the Lui^s won't carry it off cr sorriefchinp:. and the morning cup of slush, alias too. and the food supplied is : like a word that rhymes with gotten. When ' will these dirty dens, too often the home of the crook and the sand-ba^er and drunk-robber, be placed under proper sanitary control ? An A. B. named Frank AlUn, of the Tokomaru played up twice last week." and pleaded guilty first and was lined. , v When t Allen ventured to cave his story, Magistrate Riddell declined to listen. Second time Allen appeared, he pleaded 'not guilty," and then his allegation of having his wages cut down by the skipper was not "evidence," according to the "Beak." Anyhow, what is evidence, and why should Magistrate Riddell announce that a skipper /is the best jud^e as to the lawfulness or otherwise of an order on board. If that is S.M. Riddell' s law, the sooner it is tested by a nigher authority then will the sailor get some idea of his bearings. The A.B. -gets short shift m our police courts. It's a fine or a p-aol every time, afld Magistrates might get a finer appreciation of Justice if Maritime Law, was more closely studied,

Tom Wilford (to witness) ; "What I do you live on !" Witness : "An accident." A new industry, apparently, and one which must be protected. J ._\* t _»i_...JLt •'• • ■ ..■■•• ' ■ - Policemen m Wellington 'have decided against Dinnde and the Public Service Superannuation Fund. Just so, but isn't it up to Dinnie to explain his circular. What was the game. Perhaps he can give 30,000 golden reasons. « • • A German physiologist tells of J& Government official who has been asleep for nearly four years, and nothing can wake him. Is this feat so peculiar among German Government officials as to merit special notice. It isn't m New Zealand. * • « Overheard m city eating shop. Employer of sweated labor : "I don't believe dn employing too many boys. If you get on 'to them they put on their coa.ts. Give me men. married men— you can give them beans." Cowai;dty . cur. Married men are ground down because of the families they have to maintain, and they, can't afford to hit back. * m ■ Wowser-ism is rampant m many ol the Wellington rag-shops. "Critic" is requested by "Anti-Humbug" to warn one Fat man employer against making it too strong with- a tailoress. ' The reason given is that Fat is a married man and a Methodist, who looms large m Wellington's religious world.' The name will be given, to any Fat man who suspects he is the guilty party. * « » "Critic" is given to understand that N.Z. Defence Council has not yet been officially seized of -the facts of the Jolinsonvillc soldier squabble and its attendant misery, and it is to be hoped that it will acquaint itself wil'th the strife and make Pills swallow himself. Anyhow, when it fthc Defence Council) docs wake up. it ought to make a person named Bauchop feel what quite a number of ordinary, persons think of him. **• * . Talk about Christian frugality ! A few months ago a pious Chch. printer" named I-I. . J. Weeks gave two girls a job, and they grafted from 8 a.m. till 5 p.m. labelling with stinking paste. The paste howled loud remarks at them' all day and made them feel ill ; but they felt" worse when hard-winter Weeks' foreman offered them Gd each for a hard day's toil. Why do parsimony and piety always ride tandem together ? * ■ •• * A sudden feeling of unrest ran through the ,huge crowd m Christchurch Cathedral Square Sunday night, and the mass of humanity abahdoned the frenzied Socialist discoursing on the Blackball strike, also the pious preachers exhorting the populace near the Post Office, and converged at a point near the tram-shod, where a simple maiden, all unconscious of the commotion she was creating, stepped haughtily under the arc lights. She bore a placard on the back of her best blouse, inscribed with the strange device, "Oysters To-night." Religious mania is rather awkward sometimes for the licensed sky-pilot. Parson Tait was preaching m St. Paul's ScotcWbyterian Church, Christchurch, on Sunday, when a young man with a glare of divine inspiration m his watery eye. ascended the pulpit to address the multitude upon,. "What the Churches «,re doing." He was removed with dif-, ficulty, but, calling at irrev. Tait's house later, said if he was prevented'from preaching at the evening service, Tait would be m the heaven he was anxious -to reach, by Wednesday. The terrified parson sought police, protection, and when a young man appeared m the evening talking .to the congregation about aerial navigation and war balloons over Christchurch Sergeant Bird arrested a future inmate of Sunnyside. » * ■ A beer-fofected person named Daniel Carney, of Christchurch, lost his cab license recently for 'horrible cruelty to animals that were m every way nob lor than their master, to whom r a nobbier was as the breath of life— a darned strong breath, too.. Cowardly Carney was m, the habit of dividing a couple of buckets of fee.d amongst four robust mokes, and alt-hough always pouring .waipero down his own capacious throat, often forgot that his quadrupeds wanted a moistener, too, with the result that when Sergeant Burrows and Co. appeared on the scene one of the beasts swallowed seven buckets of liquid without stopping ' to wipe its chops on the manger. Also the feed furnished by the flabbergasted force disappeared liKo the cash that Bruges was struck oft the rolls for borrowing. Above state of affairs might have gone on indefinitely had not a neighbor peeped out one of the loose boxes and discovered a starving horse eating its own manure, whereupon he advised law-'n-order. Ciirney, who hung up an alcoholic -shingle at 30 St. ■ Asaphstreet, seems to have disappeared, and it is hoped he won't escape the consequences of his heartless cruelty. A lengthy period on, short commons m Lytteltou inferno would be just 1 '

Men tip a waiter, but seldom a waitress. It is dangerous to tip some girls. They are too touchy Is ■ * • * • One advantage some volcanoes have over some of the wicked old rakesage never seems to make them less active. » • » * It is the last straw when an. inebriated artist tries to slake his thirst .with one of his own water-color sketches. ' * * m The task of politicians and reformers nowadays consists of getting one section- of the population on the land and endeavoring to save another section from going on the town. * * ■ How . many Tanquerey enlargement and frame fakes are there m Wellington. "C ritic" saw a frame sup-"" plied by a Cuba-street joint during the week for which £2 12s 6d was 1 changed. It is daylight robbery, iniore or less, and the police ought to take a hand with these fakirs. Tom Burrow's, the extraordinary individual who swings clubs lor a crust and keeps on swinging 'em for 48 'hours at a stretch, is coming New Zealand wards, having been engaged by the Fullers. He opens m Dunedin about Easter time. Burrows is always 'breaking records, his own and other people's, and has lately been exMbitme; himsrlf under Rickard's management m Sydney. 7 Let Now Zealanders note. The grave of Sir Henry Parkes, at Faulconbridgo, N.S.W., is said to be m a most .neglected condition. »The iron" railing is down and has fallen across the grave, which is covered with weeds. A bush fire has destroyed the cemetery fence, and altogether the resting-place of the great Parkes is a disgrace to Sydney, people, and more so to the crowd of •relatives he left behind him. Even now some people ask, who was Seddon ? * c a There, is a milkman, or something, or other, m the cow-juice line at Island Bay, whose name is Cooper, and who has missed his vocation, m life ; he ought to be nigger-driving. Recently he employed a young man as assistant at the rate of £2 2s per week. Cooper only worked his hired man 98 hours m that week, and' (the young man chucked the game, as he thought it a bit wonky. Then he asked foe £2 2s, and received half that sum, and was told ho was lucky- and advised not to give cheek, • and was moreover informed that he didn't give satisfaction and that Cooper's own son was twice as good as the 98 hour a week man. He threatened him with legal proceedings if he didn't stump up the other 21 bob, and if Cooper doesn't part upland lets the case go to CJourt, "Truth" will be there, and the mi'lk-oh can depend on it that he will figure largely m these columns. ■■• * m A Carterton farmer grows and crows quite poetic m a recent issue of the Carterton daily paper. "Early this morning I was walking across one.. of my paddocks, when I heard a strange but pleasant It appeared like the waving of angels' wings. . with an accompaniment of Clara Butt's lower notes. I listened for., some time, but the pleasant murmur was mysterious and puzzled me.. I was determined not to be baffled..;, so I -lay with one ear on the ground, and presently the mystery was solved. The .gentle murmuring I had heard was the grass growing. It had been checked so long that when the land, was moistened with rain and warmed by '. the sun- the tender young -blades came popping out of the ground with a tiny report, and, there, being millions of them, quite a beautiful chorus was made. I ■ assure you I never heard anything like it before." "Critic trusts for the farmer's own sake that he will never- hear anything like-, it again. • - • * • . . ■ Lyttelton furnishes- more than its share of sensations f6r a small place, • and the explanation probably; lies m the fact that it is the seaport of the extremely large city where the Exhibition • used to be Munroed for all it was worth. Two persons arc at present lying, or sitting down, ors standing up when able, m a state of great anxiety over the last sensation at George Laurenson's village. They are a person named A. J. Mtvir, who_ stopped • two revolver bullets with his body recently, and an individual named Hall, who manipulated the 1 lead-spitter that vomited " the bullets - aforesaid. Muir's anxiety is due to a perforation near the heart, and Hall's perturbation is due to the knowledge that the episode will bo hard to explain to a jury. There has been bad blood between the two men since November, when Hall was ' sent" into the local inferno for two months on a charge of assaulting Muir. When Hall came out of quod he thought the matter- over for fully a month, having his meals silently m the same boarding-house as Muir during that time. 1 Then he called round with the dangerous imple-i, ment, as stated. Hall is due *to appear m the lower Court to-day. (Saturday^