THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 107, 6 July 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Wilo'pin(t»a9atjii|^3rave 'CHtiq'e.raga 1 V OrhbtounmovednlsmentioHinfbeOritic'spßg Parade his errorlntbe public oye ? And Motlior Grnndy'S i-agbdeffy ?

The union brand— legitimacy. Half a glass is better than no beer. A '' standing joke— the dozing policeman. . The word "divorce" has something of a soothing sound of finality about it. .•■-..■ *-: ■ • » '•;■■■■•...■• Love is blind- But when, shadows 9how on a blind, passers-by can see a great deal., s ' . • • ■ ■ ■ ■ • What's thiß'good of old testimonials ? The -tea-drinking employee "of a few years ago may be a dipsomaniac to-day.. « « V After tlve> earthquake, the other day, m the south a Waikoikoi blacksmith' found 'five of his hens lying dead 'at the foot cf the trees where they usually roosted. • • V The little Spanish Prince who was torn last month has been given . the names of Alfonso, Pio, Christinoi. Eduardo, Francisco, Guillelmo, Cai> lps, ■ Enrique, Eugenio, Fernando, An-; tonino, an'l Venancior, and after all they'll call him "Al." or "AMe." Possibly the heavily burdened kid might not stand the terrible handicap. •■■'«". « Speaking on the number of "swaggers" who peregrinate along the East Coast, the Wairarapa Times says a remedy has been suggested which is said to have proved effective m one I case- It is to erect a 'notice, reading thus: "Men wanted for dkoging." The number of "sundowners" has de-creased-since* it-his 'notice, was displayed m the case mentioned. ■■• * * Them is astoundin? "howler" m the second number of the "School i Journal.* 1 In a footnote to Kipling's "Recessional," it was stated that th© poem was written m 1899, when England was moved by the reverses m the Boer war. The po.em was, of course, written at the time of Queen Victoria's Diamond Jubilee ■ Celebratiens'j m 1897, andi therein lies the whole point of it. #' • * . Two young men belonging to Dunedin who, a few months ago, intimated to tie Isthmian Canal Commission their desire to secure employment m connection with the construction .of the Panama Canal, have received a reply to the effect that m making appointments for duty on the Isthmus, it is ithe policy to select only those persons who are located within the United States and other countries mi n close proximity to the Canal zone.- So,, after all, the New Zealander is net the chosen race^ .•. c a ■The professional Coroner's juror is likely to have a rocky 'time at Auckland, w-here, of late, the Trades and Labor Council have -been saying nasty things aibout the ghoul. One statement was tha/t a- certain class hung about Queen-street waiting for the job, and other well-known dipsos and yags always found their way. on to jury jobs. A loit of improvement has been made to the class of .Coroner's juries m Wellington since ''Truth" took a hand m the matter. The average Coroner's juror is a beast. The following lines were found the other day m one of the cells of the Rotorua gaol. They had been written by a prisoner who had been released from the W^iotapu prison* The verse was written' on Ihs itiEer side of., a cigarette box, ili a well-cultured hand, and ran as follows :— iHhate the "sight of~p*Tsdn~wai!s y I hate the sound -of bells; . The number of the cells. I -hate to hear the warders call So here's to me that now is free,' • I once was prison bound,: ■.My time's expired, I 'm not required, So here's good luck' all rountf-i #* * • News Kas arrived that ano>ther 6000 ton steamer for the Union Company was launched at Greenock last; week. It is an open question whether the advent. of this new beat, named the Marama, will m any way better the conditions among the coup- w employees. The dead-beats round the wharves are emphatic m their protestations that things will not improve. *Is it not a fact that the tm> bine Maheno, which tt a.s Ihe last to come out, was the 'vorst boat m the fleet as far as crew accommodation was concerned, and had she not to be altered m the fo'c'sle to bring her more up to the standard of the other • boats, so that men would consent to sail m her ? With the Union Company it is a case of the more you get ' the more you want, and neither the sea ©or the shore staff is likely to reap its rightful share of the profits which Trill issue from .the ne.w> steamer's tTadißiff*. ; • - ' i

The flesh is lj weak" ; beer is strong. . ■ • '■ . . •:•/ • > « ■;■ Risky stories hive- a very long life. Dfebt is a hobby] with most of ; the populace. : --i '.[ '-„;•,•' : Many people write more' m scorn than m anger, f • '/ - •/ : - ■ ■ ■•« » The Governor 's peach was a very poor specimen of fruit from th? political orchard. . >'- ■...;*' • The dashing ;.nian of the world doesn't gain a reputation ; notoriety is his every, time.' - •■• ■.■■^■" ' ■ ." . ■ > ' ••» . * It's very unpleasant for femininity to find itself flushing -through' a starchy, pearl crr-aai face,- --: ' ••• W ■ • •■ ' « The cove -who has. the reputation of. being a devil with' the girls usually cuts a poor figure before Iris creditors. The most pathetic objects m every city are the paupers, of good society, and for whom society hasn't got much time. •*. « • A Buckle-street ffirl is learning to sing, a-nd th-e .'neighbors call it "The _Song of the Skirt," when they say. nothing harsher." 1 There are more youngsters to . be seen m the smallest country, town, than m Wellington.- Where do they stow 'em m the city ? . •■• • • It is suggested that the Ohov/ should be brought under the Rabbit Act. Phospborised rice, compulsorily applied, would effect a marked diminution m the pest. « ' • . .* Two railway engines collided m Dunedin last wQek, but the result Was not serious:- , Nevertheless, it means that some poor porter on thirty bob a week will get the bullet. • ' . * •. '••.. A Kaiapoi man jumped off a sack of spuds t'other day and broke Ms neck. It is perfectly true that a rope was tied "to the ceiling, awl that the end of it was round his neck, ■ , ■• ' - . • p. ' • ■ Fullers recently- issued, as pass-out checks, tickets printed for a famous public meeting of the New Liberal Par-ty m 1905. They ealted it the New Libel ■ Party.. As Hans Somebody used to say,. "Where Is dot barty now ?" A" section of the community wants the State to manufacture bread, and the triangular scone, and the penny bun of commerce as against private enterprise. Even if the Government did take the game on the consumers wouldn't be m any better position t 0 have butter on -both sides of their bread.. H« 9 - The fire risks taken by the enterprising man on the. soil now and again land him m the wet. A Balclutha bloke went m for specs that didn't pan out; his last season's crop failed, and he met seven thousand pounds worth of creditors t'other day, and told it that it would have to whistle for its money* , ■' « •.. ■ « .•. The ladies' gallery m the Reps. Is always receiving missives. T'other night . a note was passed along sixty odd of tine fair and dark and -beautiful, and returned without finding an owner. The digaiified orderly marked its irregular course from the door with .manifest anxiety, and there was visible disappointment m the . chairs when the person mentioned on the envelope remained urirevealed.,- --••« ■ . Letter-sorters at the G.P.O\ are not the best paid Government officials m the world, so we are frequently—~remind^,_.y.et^ one, if opt more, of the sorters come out style on the Sabbath, as last Sunday one whose voice resembles a dis-* abled fog-ihofn, turned out at Island Bay immaculately attired "m belltopper, frock coat, gloves and patentleather boats. In fact, some thought it was Sir Joe Ward m disguise. People are wondering how. on earth he does it. • « * This is an age of deception, and cruel deception at that. Some men even try to deceive themselves and often succeed. * Tom Murphy, of Winslow, South Island, is a very much deceived man, and has lost all faith m human nature entoirely. He keeps the hotel, but can't sell liquor because its m a No-License district. The gent keeps a drop on the premises, however, and when two hulking individuals happened along the other day and induced him to give them some for cash he did something about which the law makes a few remarks. The pair were peelers m plain clothes. Orie said that he was famished with cold and the othen liar told Murphy that he was darn-ed ill, and tried to look as bad as possible. So the two prevaricators got what they wanvted. and enjoyed it, too. A mere matter of twenty quid is the extent of Murphy's liability to the court incongeguence.;

There is no peace for the schikered. * * • \. ■ - - They will faowvbe calling him Domini on/ Waj-aV^ y> : ■■***?'■* ■^■■\?^* -y : The small fopt on a muddy street distracts the pester on his beat.. The anniversary of one's .weddingday isn't .conducive) to the cheeriest of thoughts .j .'* :' .if...*' Men love wline and women, but given./ only one selection, which would they choose ? . ;■ When an individual 'is accused of having •no means of support, it doesn't mean that he has lost, all his'trouser buttons. • ;....• - * » Good for the. parson. A certain Ouristchurch business woman has "divorced two husbands, buried a third, and is now living with the fourth. ; .•■ * • • ' ■ How do all tho Christchurch music teachers m:\nage to cam their daily scone 7 One individual, gives lessons for ca^ and a tanner a week, and he doesn't seem to be rushed either. • • • . '• Last Sunday, • June 30th, special prayers were offered m the Wellington Churches, for the suppression of the. opium trade m China. Why not prayers for the suppression of missionaries and rum. • • ■ • From gold to 'boots is like falling from the sublime to> the ridiculous, but it is difficult . to say whether gold, is more ridiculous than boots. If a man. wanted to Keep his feet -dry it would be ridiculous for him to wear gold, ami 'he would not get. his teeth stopped with a pair of boots.—Socialist Fitzgerald. -- j - • • . • j Such an incident as the following could only Fossibly happen /at" Taihapc :— "On a recent Saturday night the police found a drunken man lying across the _r?,ils at Taiihape, a quarter of an hour before the arrival of the last tiain. But for the moonlight he would have' been cut to pieces." There seems to be a special Providence for some drunks. • • • [An old rifle of , the muzzle-loader breed! was found on the Takapounui Na/tive Reserve the other day by some blackberry cutters. The date, 1856, was still decipherable on the barrel, Iwith tho word "Tower" Ibelow, Wliilc on the end of the stock was I-N.Z., and the number of the rifle (4066) ; the barrel was bent, otherwise the whole piece, especially the stock, was m a wonderful state of preservation.; * * • &■ humorous chapter m the history of the flour-millers' fig-bt was exposed by Member Davey on Tuesday night. The Auckland millers stood out against the Trust, and the octopus despatched a shipment of flour to the volcanic city to undersell the local millers. The Auckland millers, however, were up tq^snuff, or tobacco, or whatever- they nise. and bought the whole shipment at the low quotation, j subsequently, selling it at their own price.. ; .The painfully pious praters against the enjoyment of barmaids m OhristcHuroh include a number of sicklylooking counter jumpers at local rag emporiums whom an occasional glass of ale would do a great deal of good. It is now up to the barmaids to object to theseJossersTollowing their present employment, which mostly consists of serving out delicate feminine underwear to the fair" sex. 'If. the barmaids should be abolished so should they.. One bad turn deserves another.; ■ ;.', Recently a; constdble . stationed In the Wairarapa district was walking up a street dn tiie night time, when he saw two horses 'grazing; on the roadside., With the assistance of the poundkeeper he impounded both animals and retired for the night. In the morning, meaning, to go on a journey, he went to his paddock for his horse, but found the gate open and the animal gone. Remembering the impounding incident of the previous night, he went to see the impounded horses, and foumd his own securely -locked up. With mingled feelings the constable paid the fees and released the animal.; Why didn't he summons himself for allowing his horse to stray^ • ' " a Those people of Dunodiri who are accustomed to spend their holidays at, Broad Bay, and those who live permanently on that part of the Peninsula, are doing a yell just now because the Government is thinking of changing Larnaoh's Castle into an asylum for criminal loonies. They pro'tes-t that the) neigjWb'orbood would not then be a safe place m which to herd their wives and children. They curse at the idea because of the populous and hemmed-in- nature of the locality. Gad ! If these convicts arc properly guarded and not allowed to wander, it matters little whether they arc dumped into the back-blocks or housed m the centre of the city. Why, tfaen A all the- upvosvrg

■Financial item s P.N^— pay nothing., ma,y r . beieasyi ibo get, but hard : "%6'keep^'" : . ::' ... ....;■.. ■„;■.--•;, '■■ •■ '•'■■■■ *■".''• . ■ • The gay Lothario hates to see. his daughters frivol with other men.; :'.''" '■■«'•• • The weary man finds home life a fine life— when the missus and the kids are out. • * » The most expensive cigars smoked cost 30s each. "Qritic" is ordering a gross straight away.; ■ ■ ■v. ■ » • A Southern paper, m noting that the trawler Norah Niven had an unsuccessful cruise, made it an "unsuccessful curse. •"• * * • .An ex-sailor had his first ride at Nelson the other day. He was subEequ&ntly charged with cruelty to 'animals, and was .lined £1 and £1 8s costs. . .."•',. ». n An Fnslish capitalistic party is about to make ah Australasian tour, and the intention is. . to ' study- polit- ! ical and labor conditions of the cawlinies and dominions beyond the seas. C-no. N.Z. paper describes Ihe visit as "Spying the Nakedness of the Land." It is hoped that the said' land won't be, like Adam and Eve, ashamed of its nakedness. Perhaps it will be clothed m a smile, anyhow. -■ ■ • ■ « • A witness m the typographical dis-. pute before the Arbitration Courit said --he was getting £3 3s wages, •! and paid 30s a week for a six-rdbm- ; cd house m Boulcott-street. Mr Pirani j asked if a man of his means could i:ot live m a less expensive quarter at less rent. Witness replied' he had liasl houses elsewhere at smaller rent, but they were minus a bath and other conveniences., "A man wants a bath sometimes," he remarked. The Court grinned agreement, j -and the cross-examination abruptly closed. :, Something of an expdtis is taking place from New Zealand to New South Wales, arid Sydney "Truth" lately has h<ad a lot of complaints concerning the shameful over-crowd-ing on the U-shant S.S. 1 Co. One passenger gives his description of how things were on a recent trip of the Moerak'i ".—"There must, have been several hundred m excess of those occupying cabins. In the second-class the excess passengers, besides those Piovied with shakedowns on hatches, were crowded into the spacious dining saloon (all available spaces on tables and floor being utilised), with the result that th-a vitiated, air therein fairly hummed, vivjidly reminding onej of °the horrors endured m the historic Black Hole-, of Calcutta. ' ' . '„•■. • . » . No-license is not working prohibition m Invercargill.. Lately there have been numerous prosecutions for sly grog-telling m the district, but that is not all. More heavy stuff is being consumed 1 m the. ioarn since the hotels were closed than formerly. All tbe pubs, now merely boardinghouses, have lockers- 1 for the benefit of their boarders and friends, but it is not the legal locker r.ystem that is giving the! temperance people most worry. The .depots just ■ outside ■ the city 'boundary supply, all comers with three or four gallon kegs of "Beautiful beer, 'and the result is that the youmg fellows get a trifle more nifty than if he, had to stand before the bar counter swigging gradual glasses. He can now apply his talking orifice ■to the bwng of the barrel and stay there until every drop of the liquid has been sucked into him. The present state of things is very much worse than what prevailed . under license. Liquor is to be found m nearly every home, '. n ■ ■ » . % Delightful place Suva* A" recent W.P. Herald tells the story of a Solomon Islanders disturbance :— "The Solomon Islanders m Suva had a little* difference 1 of "opinion yesterday, and intended to settle the matter amongst themselves, but the police intervened. It seems that the wife of a Malay ta man living at the Depot Road tired of her husband, as he had sore eyes and could not keep her m the state she desired. So she transferred her affections to another Solomom Islander living m a European house alongside Victoria Park on the Extension. The friends of the two men now took up the quarrel, and it was reported to the police that a battle royal was to ensue. Sub-Inspector Thurston saw the deserted husband, ,and explained the seriousness of such conduct. However no notice was taken of the advice; and about fifty of the Depot I Road men marched^from their homes last.- night about 11 o'clock lo mate an attack m force. The police were warned and the Sub-Inspector with a dozen constables met them near the Public School, and after a little difficulty persuaded them to return borne. The other crowd were prepared, and about thirty men were entrenched m the house waiting for the attack. But for the prompt intervention of the police there might have " been some broken heads. The two .principals, lit is reported, intend to fight for the possession of tha woman on, Saturday* 1-