THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 105, 22 June 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage ? Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic 's pa g * Parade his qrror m the public eye ? And Mother Gruridy's rage defy V Men after all are only men. fTihe honeymoon is .the root of most trouble.. ■ ' • * m "Acting "-detectives often paint up for their parts., •• ' ■■ ; ..#- ' " : • ■' •. An apostde of sweetness— the perpe- . tual' lolly-chewer: . ■ . The only thing 1 m a name is the letters that compose ;it/ ; :.. .-♦-..• .": ■-••V> ■. ; r „»-.. ; • ' ■ The new- office boy is usually the proudest person m any big establishment. : " " '■ " •;,-. ' A'; detective finds a clue to departmental favor when he bags a noted criminal. ? y • . . ■ •••• - • There S'liouL. ■; be more preaching against the loveless marriage of con-.-venienc© than against divorce. -■■ •• . •". j_ . ■ « • , . . It takes "''{some grown-up . daughters all their -time to . appear as young as their ,'giddy, frilly, bloom-cheeked mothers now-a-days. '■ • ■■ #\ .».'.. « The Rugby Union is. the Supreme Court of amateur toobail— so supreme, m? fact, ' that the common person carinbt see how top-lofty it is. . • .. .«7. .. • ■■ ■ T/he. curse of the police force is the writiing of reports! about ' nothing m particular.^ There are twenty 'times more reports written than there are criminals captured. • ..'■*. „' • •'. . ~~-TA CiirivrtCllUTmnJ^TllT^"Tvxn3iinT^nttr" to compromise ; witli -' her creditors ifo^er^dayt \ ; ;^A !i Tt^l"meaico' ' from" whom she had borrowed a century is among the- victims. ••./'•. ■■ *'. .• ■ . Jamts Nelson Is claiming from the Runanga. (West Coast) School Committee £25 damages for injuries sustained by has .(daughter when standing m front of the school fire. Nelson holds the Education Board culpable for not furnishing fire guards. ...*-« • • ■ ■ . How. is it that so many Salvarmy lasses are. thin and shapeless and uneh'ticing. to the masculine eye ? And some of them walk with a stoop tfiat comes of blended ' anaemia and semiimbecili'ty, added to knee-drill and sundries. Do these women don the. ugly poke bonnet m order to catch blokes— army blokes, Critic means ? Supplying kids who ought to be m bed with liquor is severely discountenanced by Christchurch hotelkeepers, biiit it is hard to tell whether a youth is over eighteen or below standard.: One young sprig entered a har t'otier night and was quizzed by the barman. "'Oh,' it's all right, old chap," said young colonda, "I ? m not drunk ;'. I've: only had one." ■ . '-'* •■'* ' " *■' •■ ■■ The Scotbhbyterian Church at Lyttelton is divMed into two sections, hut there is no prospect, of v free fight yet. a while- They want a parson, ye ken ; one push want J. J. Bates, of Carterton, and the other crowd don't want him. They do not .know what they really do want, but object, to Bates, out of pure< cussedness, because they haven't heard him yajtober about the Loard. However, .Bates is booked all right • bnt his receipt may suffer 'if one faction isn't- quite agreed as- to bis dogma, or his toggery, or the way he munches bUhs on spare afternoons. 'A' chap called Robert Alexander GKllespie advertised- ;n the GJhriS'tchurch papers that he wouldn' t^b.b responsible for any debts contracted ny his wife m his name: Next day the lady advertised that she wanted no credit . m bis name, and that she hadn't had anything from him for the past four years. . Rough- But that isn't ail. Another cove named .Rdbert (Alexander Gillespie advertised that he wasn't" the Rolbert Alexander G-illespie who had advertised that he wouldn't be responsible for his wife's . debts. A 'little comedy costing about 7/6 m all to three Gillespies., • * • . Wihat a glorious drunk, or something of the sort, must have been the recent tour of Federal politicians; to Northern Australia. Some exciting adventures have been experienced, but that of one Johnson, M.H.R., beats >he band to blazes. He reports that while taking a Sunday walk on the beach at Port Darwin, he felt tired and went to sit down on what appeared to be a log of wood, but soon proved to be an alligator- It showed fight, and Mr Johnson threw a big stone into its open jaws, whereupon it took to the water. Oh, Mr Johnsing ! If he had bought the Alligatora pufcii amid wanted to get m for a Sabbath sniffer the tale might be believed, but then politicians are noted for 'their .yivid imaginations.:)

„. Wtoen, l^;'3^^ii.jiji,i.-iia» t .-a-- : Wg--': temper' *it*''a"STibt''easily^lbstj|:,---v>-' v: *"''.' f . •A' snubbed woman feels as amiable as a frost-ibitten- bulldog.; • ' * . . • . ■ n Strange that footballers don't Join the leather-workers' union. • • • Sin is sweet sometimes. It- all depends what sort of sin it is.; • • ; • ■•-.•* ». ' ■ • " ■• ■ ; - ■ ■ Many politicians - who threaten- to play the devil , m Parliament next session are only, selling platers., . • • • '.'■'.- --■ When your pleasantest enemy is a girl, you never know when- you may become embracingly close friends. • • •». ■ ■ • ...--. Ofte needn't, question a man's fiii-' ancial ability 'because he has an overdraft. He is clever to be able to get an overdraft.. ' " * ' ■ * ■■•■ ,■ '' The first New Zealand Parliament was opened on May 27, 1854, !. which is 53 years ago. * »• ■ v Wfo&n. your coalman creditor %ets impudent he heaps coals of fire on your luckless head ; but unfortunately it isn't quite the kind of coal you want. Fuser-ale Bloor Pope was charged with drunkenness at Ohristehurch . lately. Fancy carting a name like that into a pub, and planking it on the counter. • ■ •' • ■ pr. , Stated; that -there has been a . gay little disturbance at the Ghristohuroh Working Men's Club, and that the scandal has caused a good deal of talk. .What's the trouble this- time ? j • * * •A lunatic at large m Dunedin last week caused consternation m the minds of residents of Athoi ipiace. They, noticed this strangely *c"lad in■4*vVchiarriJu.ouXiii & ..a.ijjuuu wTffi.. U'UOBI-" tain gait and a meaningless .look, andi informed the polico/ The unfortunate pas consiigned to Seacliff next morning.; . ■ « • « On the Peilding railway platform Uie other- day a Stipendiary Magistrate was "warn&d" not to smoke, as it was a breach of the law. Perhaps when an offender is hauled' up before the said beakshdp he will treat him with marked leniency. However, why was not the beak hauled before himself and fined, and given time to pay the fine, if necessary ? * • * ' Probable that a new editor will be secured to run that awful publication, "The Outlook," the Scotchbyterian rag. published at Dunedin. The weird journal is pockmarked with mistakes every issue, and badly wants bringing up to date. * At a meeting of the Presbytery at Christchurch Dr. Irwin characterised it as a most disreputable paper altogether. Good. ' . •• • ■■ '• ■ •• ■ ■ • •Rememberi'Dg the judgment given at Dunedin a week or two against the Ohristohuroh Meat Co., Ltd., for creating a nuisance , near the cattleyards, the jfollowing complaint of a Dunedin resident is important. It was stoutly denied that the seagulls were not m the habit . of flying over to the reservoir after wading, round m the fleshy stuff spread out m the fields. The. letter reads: "/The other day I went for a few miles' walk . to the Silverstreani Reservoir and water race. In the vicinity of the reservoir I noticed a large heap of . something that seemed to be slaughter-house offal, over, which a flock of 'seagulls' and h©ns were screamiing and figjating. Now and then a seagull would rise m the air, b daring a piece of the stuff m -his beak, and after circling round ■«, few times alight m the middle of th' 6 -reservoir. It is intolerable that our water-supply should be so polluted with evil-smeflling offal.' 1 ' '...*' ■ * - .«-'.•■■ 'An apparition m Cashel-street, Christchurch, the other evening, evoked a considerable amount of. comment. A bullet-headed little man, wearing, dungaree pants, strolled, or, rather, limped, along 1 (for he is lame), wearing a fashionable ladies' jacket. It wasn't raining just then, either. The •creation.— if that is the correct dress-fakers' term for it—was worth a whole thirty foofo, and had just been put on for the first time. The man looked so strange m the outfit, that after great consideration the police decided to run him m as a freak, or for riding without lights, or crossing an intersection at other than a wa-iking pace. Questioning elicited the fact that the wearer, who gave his name as Walter Clarke, had received the jacket from some kind gentleman that, he didn't know, for services that he didn't render. Afterwards he changed his voice and said the garment was given him by a lady. Then he was charged with theft, and at Court next, day the Justices were told that- the individual, who has servod sentences m different parts of the colony w>ere there happened to be a gaol, was a very hard case. He had taken the garment from a nhop, and was under the influence of grog at l>hc time. Clarke is now flourish-? ing his interesttag personality at Lytiftltmi, whcr-3 he can pick for gold m tfks iw.Ußides foe one montiij

Kid-napping tj When- baby, sleeps all nighty • Footballers are genuine sweated goods., : , O « 9 Bid 1 you ever hear of a dog biting a policeman ?, * • * Plenty of people lose their health, by, drinking • it.; ' . v ! * • * , "Settled tin the - land"— the very, numerous corpse! , „ The average advertiser has a great contempt .for fact. .There are 29 journalists m the British House of Commons*- ' ■• ■ . " • ■•- • . * The present are the "old days" ,; the future will be the new. ■ ' '. v. » • • . ■ The mediocre politician is merely a rubber-down for his constituents.. ■ ■'••' « • If we stand too much on our dignity, someone is/ likely, to walk over it., . Old men love the past, youth the future, but .most girls are contented With a present., * • ■ • •/ It is a pity that over-eating Ms not followed by the same visible scandalous consequences of over-drinking., ". ' . ."' * Opportunity has hair m front ; behind she' is bald. If you seize her by the forelock' you may hold her, but if suffered to escape, not Jupiter himself . can catch her again: ■•'.■•.'■ « « If a couple of members of the Dunedin- Soei&ty for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals were looking for a conviction, they have out to take a trip up Walker-street. There they ties a, pooi^Tamib? once white and healthy. Now, the unfortunate sheep has a sickly look m the eye, a black, filthy . fleece, an empty stomach, and a shiver all over,, "What more could you want ? • • » How careful the country press is, to be sure. Referring to the fact that Saintly Stanton, the cancer t/uack, ftas b^en properly called on to explain his conneotion with the death of the young man Greaney, at Ctbrdstchfurch, one country paper intrepidly informs its readers that : '•'lt is stated that a Ohristchuroh cancer specialist, whose name was prominently before the inhabitants of the Cathedral City a month ago, has been arrested on a charge of manslaughter" Perhaps the country paper isn't so sure that the Law is equal to dealing with quacks, and is taking no chances accordingly s •. •• .• • :• ■; • ■ ■• • ' . Arrest was the best thing *or a druihk who was 1 staggering along m Rattray-street; Dunedin, the other evening. His cries of "Murder !" brought a crowd round him,; and an- ■ other- person was se&n to steal swiftly into the railway yard alongside, where he was soon lost to sight • among the trucks. The old chap was taken m charge for being tiddly, and when searched was found to be possessed of £37. It was perhaps better for the fellow that he 'had to pay a small fine, thaai that' he should have been, robbed of his boodle arid risked a"' (broken head into the 'bargain., • ■ ...-■ * .■'■'.••, ' * 'Aoi incident of a scandalous nature occurred 1 out at Orawaitd (West Coast) recently. The recently-appoin-ted sexton, dug a grave for burial of thb. remains of a country resident, and found as he was nearing the completion'of his task that the grave already contained a coffin. The sexton therefore -dug another grave, but not m the proper position, and . the mourners were kept waiting until the relays of men could make a third excavation- . There appears to have been some scandalous mismanagement m the past that made it'possiWe for the graves of the dead not properly- defined.; . The "I'-'Buller Miner" on a growing nuisance '—The proverbial hospitality Of West Coasters is threatened to too supplanted with a degrading spirit of back-scratching— a form of entertainment which is calculated by the indulgers to command pelf and influence if the show is conducted oncertain defined lines. Every man or woman who leaves one billet for another ; every teacher who goes for a holiday ; every person who makes a trip to England : every civil servant who gets shifted ; every traveller who changes his firm; every woman who changes her name, must haVe a presentation to which they '-'feelingly respond" as they are "completely-ta-ken by surprise," and their names must appear m the newspapers. The speeches on these occasions ' are fulsome m their praise and worthless as a test of value. One would think that the persons who thus lay themselves out . for flattery and compliment had sufficient common sense to save them, but judging from the papers' they seem literally "to revel m these amazing functions. It is trao that they have grown so cheap Ifcati they are destitute of merits