THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 98, 4 May 1907, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

„;:■'•■■ : ■" . ' '. ♦ .' ", ■■ i ,-; ' . Wlib can nndanrited brave tne-.driiic'Ef tfaga 9 ■ OrnoteunmoVediiismeiitionintlieOritic's page?* Parade his error m the public eye ? ' : .'And Mother Q-rundy's rage defy ? v •Football is only. shin deep*- • • -)\f^* * • More hammerings at school--'Will-mean less larrikins later, on. It's a very small item, but ft is wonderful' how men flee from the illegitimate child. ' •• • ■ Love is a temporary condition of selfishness carabined with a transient confusion of indentity.. . We are prostrated when we find ourselves inferior- to other and lesser) fools ; -we are elevated when we behold greater fools than ourselves.; How strange are the gifts of the gods to man — to the mean man wealth 1 , to the generous poverty, to the fool, fortune, and' to the wise men affliction !: • •,■• . • . Wairoa, Hawse's Bay, has. a cynical cuss who writes to a docal pacer thus :— "lt is surprising that no one has started a second-hand shon m Wairoa, the annual license is only five shillings, and there are enough m the place to beep it going;"- ; A lawyer's letter was received by, a Palmerston North rpsident recent-; iy, addressed, "New Zealand, North/, Australia.".. We'll have to send another All-Black Brigade around the world again after that. But fancy "God's Own Country" being put m North Australia. The blasphemy of .it- all. * ♦ '*:.■■ The Chow press again :— ' 'The residents of Waiorou and Ohakune will 'be glad to learn,' (says the Taihape 'Post-) that the popular Chin,ese gardner, Archie , Kin, of Taihape, has decided to "visit Ohakune .and Waiorou every Thursday with his . cart, for the sale of vegetables and fruit of all kinds." So would "Critic" if he was a boy once agaiin • and so should the urchins of Waiorou and Ohakune. ! Many English visitors to the Exhibition expressed great disappointment „at not seeing any particular exhibit of the local flax industry. ' This showed pure, muddle-headtdness on the part of the management. One of the chief- attractions would have been a -working model of a flax-mill, with specimens of the colony's bes-t products. The management preferred to make a feature of Maori hakas and Fijian war dances. A Manawatu dairy 'farmer recently ' gave as an excuse for his ohdldren not going to school that the nearest school was over three miles away, and the youngsters had to milk thirty-six cows between- them. If the farmer were getting the full product of the labor, he could afford to pay, for assistance, or give the. kids some schooling, but he is not. He obtains bis farm on the share system, and the cream of the show goes into > the pockets of some. fat company. • ■ . . *. • # ■ . . That orgoai' business m. Christchurch reads a! bit fishy. There- dossn't seem to be much doubt but that jthe late Premier did lead the Ohristohurch people to believe that the ox>gan should be theirs for ever when, once the big show closed. Why he should have said so is N not . i apparent. Christchuroh had a royal gift m the Exhibition itself, and any good that any citizens get out of the show went to OhristchurcMans. If there are any gifts to be made some of the other cities, which suffered by " the Exhibition, should receive attention, r •.'•■• According to an Auckland Anglican parson there is a dearth of curates pretty well all over the world just now, bu-t "m about two years' time it was probable there v.ould be a larg? increase m the ranfts of the clergy, which would relieve the tension considerably." Just so ! Miay be or may be not. The church just now is not offering many attractions, because the average curate, no matter where he may be, is a hard-work-ed and sweated cuss, who does all the Work of the vineyard, while the incumbent or the vdcar gets all the boodle and lives m ease and comfort and regulates the birthrate. The poor, fawning curate, who ventures to marry, is generally very prolific, and rears numerous off-spring, and\ lives on hoping against hope, and mixes up temporal with spiritual matters, m fact, does anything fcir a crust. He looks wistfully on the 1 • incumfcten't, and his "broad, well-filled belly raises many Unchristian thoughts m the curate's, mind ; but incumbents have "the happy knack of living long'; and knock sky-hiph the untruthful adage that the good die young. Not that all incumbents are really good, anyhow, hut they, mostly live to a ripe old a«fl>.

When a, man bumps against a bit of tpu'gh luck he near" ljjvalways blames some' other, fellow lor shoving ham.. • T. • ,;• ">. .#/ ; f ~Kis;-yfiif-*? " : "\'\ . -"Some ; castles m the hair" is ; a man's description of $t& new style of lady's coiffure as seen-':' at ••the theatre^ • * • The number of lawyers practising m" New Zealand is 801. And .the wonder is how half the sharks rfranaged to exist at all. London paper : Australian author*--itiies announce that immigrants must m future bs "all white." Anyone marked like a draughtboard would receive a severe shock. There is a great demand for billets as "Hello" 'girls'; on 1 ' the Christchurch telephone exchange, over 600 applications being en: the list. It's the barmaid who gets. married. • . ■• ' ' ; • ■■ „. Thaw's case" is how the "Inangahua Herald" -refers to that dirty cowardly dastard's trial m America. The politeness of some papers is astounding, but then •i'Mr. Thaw" is a millionaire. • ; . .■■ ' ■•:■ '".■-■ * The sporting season opened on Wednesday. Several parties, of amateur sports left Wellington' well armed with liquid and ordinary ammunition. The' , hares could' be h-ard laughing distinctly m town- , ■ ' •■ , •'. • - c ., . - «>' ■ ■ There's a "Two-up" school m a. paddock at (Aldington (Christchurch) not far from the show-grounds, and the, scholars play with impunity. They have .excellent scouts— a good safeguard against being caught. ! An individual summoned ai'phristohurch for neglecting, to Vend his mite to school, pleaded that 'the nipper had been led astray, by another, bright article, 1 who hajci broken into his house and stolen his wife's false .teeth. . ... ._ ; ... _. . l# .-.;.ij.w,i-_.. ,i#- .^....^^tg-v**:' .-'.■.;,.• There is a big difference between a politician and a statesman. The politician is a main who adapts his principles to public opinion and stays m parliament. The statesman is the man who sticks to his principle and g'ots bum-ped put., ■ ' -4 » • • <• • " Music hath charms to sooth the savag* breast," but npt always. That poor cove who insisted on singing before Peddlar Palmer iri 1 a railway carriage apparently raised no charms, as tbft. "Pedlar landed him one that sent him to sleep for ever. • « ' • Threa or four ' Cbin&men were ohr served' standing m front of one of McM'Juh'pn's "Yellow Peril-' hoardings on Monday last, gesticulating, wildly, and jabbering like, a crowd of monkeys. Probably they thought the picture was some sort , of a notification of a Ohow massacre. • **'.*■ • A young- ; fellow named John* Cox finds himself up, against a serious Charge at ..Christehurch. .It is alleged tiiat he has had .immoral relations with a ' young girl under the age of consent. There were developments, and Cox was arrested and charged with having had carnal knowledge of her. A remand was glranted this. week, bail being allowed m one security of £50, Lawyer Donnelly told the court that the girl was bordering. ' on sixteen years of age. ' Rarely does one hear criticism of the racehorse from the cliuroh. pulpit, „s ays the Palmerston "Times.". The so-called noble creature wass referred, to by the Rev; Harper recently. He' was lamenting tih-a lack of staying power and stamina on all hands to-day. To emphasise this he said: "Why even on our New Zealand racecourses it is mostly just one short burst of speed, a sprint." Has the parson ;been punting, on a good thing that missed, or what' ails him ? ' . , , .■ ■" ;. •■ ' ■ '"4 ■ r ■ : • ' This is Gad's own Country all right.,, The truant inspector informed the Wellington Education Board last week that on one Wairarapa farm he had met a mother who told him (that she and her husband had got on all right without religion", and the kids could do the same . Her three youngsters ; were aged respectively 7, 9, and 11 years, and they each had t o milk twenty cows daily, and therefore could not, attend the school which was over two miles distant. And yet we boast of our girea.t dairy industry ! ■ ' * * ■ Now that the flare and #lam o r of the, Exhibition is beginning to give place to reasonable talk we are beginning to hear some truths. When the big show was opened everybody was - talking about the magnificent fernery— at least, s 0 the daily papers said. Now the public are beginning to say what "Truth" said at the commencement that the fernery was a huge fraud, and not a representative fernery at all. It was merely a collection of common ferns and not m the least representative of the beauty, thai; ' New ' Zealand ftroducesr ,

Some, of the Vas,siste.d" emigrants from; Hinsland are-V&egdnning to' wish they, had stayed at home, ' ■■ ■■ *'■'.■ • -. •. •.''. ■ This is the fourth age and will/ last 832,000 years ; but folly has lasted much longer and will continue. • * * English people*— the most unhumor-.i ous m all the world— have only one ejaculation, "Oh, how funny -.{'' j .••'■•■ • •■ • ■■^Talking.- of honor, what is badly wanted m this country is a code which will oblige a man to be as . quick to knock himself down when he tells a lie as he, is to knock down a man who calls him a liar. ; ■ _ .• .\ • '.' ♦ . • The ''Waimate (N.1.) Witness" recently went to pains to tell all about "Abide With Me," and told when the "him" was written. Had it been a "her" "Critic" could 'quite understand the appeal to ' 'abide with me." - • « « Mr. Plowden the London Police • Magistrate, whose name is not unfamiliar, has ruled that bad language is an offence only when used within hearing of the public. Within hearing of a policeman only, language is not an offence. > «• ' « The representatives at the Exhibition have decided to withdraw . their exhibits of wine and brandy, and not to submit for rejvudgi.ng. In thdr opinion any awards made now would be worthless. Judging also by what is being wbis-' pered the present awards are pretty valuable— to Mclntyre. • • • • From the "Otago Daily Times" :— "My wife having deserted me without any just (cause or excuse, friends are requested, to refrain from causing unnecessary pain and em,barassroent by mentioning her name m my presence m ignoranoe of the oircumr stances,— G. A. KING.'" Comment .surely, w^ould .^.supejefluous^; ■% ; .;;;,.. • « • The quacks of the colony aret 0 be made ducks and drakes of next sessiion of Parliament, if report is td be believed— a report which it is hoped will prove true. The question is not as easy as it looks, ' but if the advertisements of these gentry are barred a goodly number of newspapers will lose some revenue. At all events thfe so-called specialist and the, cancer-curer, and others of his kidney will be hard to knock out, even if the most drastic treatment is meted out to them. And it is drastic treatment that is violently, required. • • ■ • It's the unexpected that happens, says the Taihape "News." A few years ago a married ladyi undertook 1 the care of a baby boy,- with the intention of adopting it. At that time she had no. children of her own, and didn't expect to (be blessdd with any, so she and her husband prepared to lavish* their love on the little stranger entrusted to them. Then, however, they were made the parents of three bonnie wee children, and the arrival of these put the other boy's nose out of joint, and now he's to be handed over to the Salvation Army. '.•■*■'■■;■♦ * "Iftie ISnion Company— that beastly, nuisance to oargo shippers ; a company that thinks it can do what.it damned well likes and does— has been getting blazes from interested . persons m Canterbury re the shutting put of cargoes which should have gone hot only on the boat booked for, but m others afterwards. This is getting rather too strong ; the expense it is to shippers and the anxiety it causes them when their stuff doesn't get away oaai easily be imagined. And if it is perishable stuff all the worse, but m that case .they should have an action for damages against this curse monopoly which doesn't seem to give any sort of satisfaction m (the ferry traffic so far as cargo is concerned- ■ • ' .^ • The cheek of some people. In two cas!,is at Christohurich' Police Court on Monday the defendants asked the Magistrate if he would see that their names were kept out of the paper. The first was a respectable-looking old geezer, who was claused as a firs fc offending drunk, and whose cognomen wouldn't appear m any case unless there were special circumstances connected with- the matter ; but the second . individual was a country hoodlum named Noirman Ward. This cowardly coot lives somewhere near the Styx, and one night when near Belfast, the fellow, who had been drinking, drove into another vehicle 'containing a woman and two girls. He used some vile obscene language to them, and the wot man lashed out and struck the skunk with her whip. The fellow was summoned for his obscenity, and was fined three quid odd on Monday. It was then that the clodhopping coot publicly asked if his name should be eliminated from the press reports. The S.M. turned on him, and said it was a bad case ; thore Were no extenuating circumstances, and a fellow of his brand deserved to have his name published as widely, as pos-

To be faddy is to be foolish. The •faddists of Wellington are* toln. Never judge a man by Ms' breath. He may be a dyspeptic teetotaller. * * * The eternal feminine. Even Helen of Troy got her gowns from Paris. Toward the soul which places itself m an attitude of reception, all things flow. • * '■ ■ m To- -be content with what we; possess is the greatest and most .secure of riches. Chicago" is responsible for a new form of marriage certificate.' It has a y divorce coupon attached to it. -"a • « When a woman reads a hook she always turns to the last page first. Woman always wants the last word. • •.'. • \m ■ ■ Britishers at . home are becoming greater tea drinkers, and imports of the tasty tipple are rapidly increasing. ' ...■- ' • ■ ■■■ \ • ~ • One half of Great Britain belongs to 2,500 individuals. Needless to say each one is a solid voter against a laftd tax. ■'■•■. i ' •♦♦ ■ / No matter Kow well .you may arrange your social standing m this world, -, you'll have it arranged for you m ' the next. •"'•.■■. • • "Girl hypnotises clergymen," records a sensational heading m a Yankee .journal. But that is ever the way of the sex ! *."'*■'■ * A recent photo of J. D. Rockefeller, shows him surrounded by women. Always the way. How they . rush men of Boodle. y . , "A Woman ought not to -speak m the congregation." So wrote St. Bernard; Verily, those old' fathers knew a thing or two. ■ ■'- a m • ■ In this 'shallow twentieth century success becomes the permanent «vest of ttoose who make make the most noise about 'themselves. '■/,■. -,'.■*■•■ • It is characteristic of many a woman that she -will walk by a dead dog m the street with tears m her eyes and three stuffed tuis ob her ' hat. ..>• • ■ ••:■ * ■• • Epery woman protests against the inevitable. ' This is the paste-board j shield., which they put up, and . behind which they try to shelter themselves. .. ■"..'•)'.. • ' ■■■ " . • • 'American commercial travellers are organising A penny fund to buy Evelyn Thaw' a medal m recognition of "heroism" m the witness box. The inedil ought to >be made of '"brass." *• • ' Time and- tide wait for no man; and yet man frequently, m mad impatience waits for both. And m th-3 end one or the other drops man into the amis of the ghastly, bony skeleton of death. ,■■ , , .-.; •- /■ •. /Ah Duck, a Celestial sly-grog sell-: er,. went aloft at Taihape the other day for a month for whisky-sellin>£. He seemed to have long teen on a erood wicket, and the Beak reckoned it was no use fining; him. „ • ' * " • From a Melbourne paper :— "New Zealand . lady, 22, tall, dark, refined, accomplished, wishes correspond educated gentleman m Australia, view matrimony." Yet they say things are booming m Godzone Country ! ;•,*■■♦ • Omei <of the most shocking charges of incest that "Truth" has ever heard of was to have come; before Dr. McArthur recently. However, before the case came on the charge was withdrawn, ■whether rightly, or wrongly "Truth" cannot say. No fear of our local pastors hiding their glim under a corn measure. They take fine care to keep the dailies supplied with self-written paragraphs recording their miserable movements. The wonder is that the dailies are so servile and silly as to give the prawns space. ♦ * * ! The "Otaki Mail" says that the mail coach to Tolaga had an'exciting experience at the Tapuae rocks recently. The coach became wedgjed on , • a rock, and the waves broke th,rbuehi the vehicle. The passengers, including two Native Land Court Judges, had to wade ashore up to their necks, and narrowly escaped being carried out to sea. ** * . People who read the wail of the Oceanic Company about the cruel reasons for discontinuing the service to Australasia should remember that the paDer publishing- it, the San Francisco "Call," is owned, lock, stock, and barrel, by John D. Spreckels, who is practically the Oceanic Company, having, frozen out the small shareholders, witlh very, few exceptions.