ANECDOTES AND STORIES

New Zealand Times, Volume LII, Issue 12249, 22 September 1925, Page 12

ANECDOTES AND STORIES

A COMMON COMPLAINT A tramp ivailed piteously at the wayside, “For the love of God, help a poor nipple ’ An old gentleman ivho was passing was touched by the appeal. ■ Bless me, why, of course,’’ he said ■ “lieie s five shillings. Where are you crippled, my poor man?” ‘‘Financially crippled,” said the tramp, as he pocketed the money. CARRIED CLAMOROUSLY The afternoon bridge club was holding its weekly session. “Ladies adies, announced the president, “it has been moved and seconded that there shall be no conversation at the card tables. What shall we do with the motion?” “I suggest,” said a •sprightly young woman, “that we discuss it while we play.” THE REASON WHY Lady Xorah Bentinck, discussing the problem of the two million surplus «omen of Great Britain, tells the fohiMing story: Two girls were once talking in an omnibus. One said, “I’ve broke it •-•'aid her friend, “Wotever for?” And the other answered, “Because ’e wouldii t believe m an ’ell, and I couidn t myke ’im." Which bears out what I have said—that there are many and divers reasons why women do not and will not marry. LAM-ENT-ABLE Charles Lamb had no patience with prudery. One day he was walking in the country with a very prim woman, w hen they chanced to pass some hoys taking a swim. “Tsn’t that shocking, Mr Lamb/* said the prim one, “to see those little boys in bathing without clothes on?" “Really, madam/’ replied Lamb, peering in their direction, “until you called my attention to them, T wasn't Mfre whether they were little boys or little girl*/'

“SOAPY SAM" A very great man remarked of Loril Strangford that he “had a proclivity for getting into scrapes, but a marvelloue talent for gettirfg out of them.” It is recorded of him that one evening 1 when left the House of Lords he went into the Athenaeum Club, and a friend asked him whether there was anything interesting going on in the House of Lords. “Nothing particular," he replied. ‘Soapy Sam was speaking when 1 left." Another member in the room sprang to his feet, and exclaimed, indignantly:— “I'll trouble you to speak more spectful of my brother, the Lord Bishop of Oxford, sirj" ‘Oh, nw dear sir/' replied Lord Strangford, “I meant no disrespect whatever to the good bishop. Quite the reverse. I always understood that sobriquet was bestowed upon your dis-. tinguished brother because, though always in hot water, he invariably comes out of it with clean hands." MR'S CARLYLE'S BIRD Mrs Carlyle, wife of the great Scot, waa described as a vain woman, who liked to engross conversation, and was fond of telling long-winded stories. When she began to talk, her husband used to look across the table and say: “Brevity, mv dear; brevity." Mrs CarJyle was fond of improving conversation, which did not suit Mrs Mildmay, who had no wish to be improved. One dav they were sent out driving in a small pony carriage along a somewhat dull road, and Mrs Mildmay thought: “Surely Mrs Carlyle won't find anything to quote poetry about here!" Just then a goose crossed the road, and Mrs Carlyle began, rolling her “r’s’': Of a]} the hirrds that skim the air The goose should be preferred: There is so much good nourishment In that weak-minded hirrd.

ALFRED'S AUNT JULIA

One of Tennyson's greatest friends was the author’s great-aunt, Julia Margaret Cameron* who to the author appeared as a terrifying elderly woman, short and squat, with a passion for photography. She had enormous influence over the poet. For instance, three American tourists made a piou« pilgrimage to Freshwater, and found the gates of Farrinford bolted and barred against them. “In despair, they were going away, when someone told them to go to ‘Aunt Julia,' and making their way to Dimbola, they poured out their complaint. “ ‘Follow me,' she said, in that harsh .vet musical voice; and they followed that strange, plump little figure in its flowing robes, up the lane to that mysterious house whose doors seemer! to fly open at her approach, and into the verv sanctum of the Laureate, whom she then addressed. “ ‘Alfred/ she said, ‘these gentle men have come from afar to see the British Lion, and behold a Bear/ “It was enough. The reproof went home, and the tourists went home too, made happv by a personal interview and the gifts of the slim books of the Idylls, with his name on the flyleaf.”