Humours of Hyde Park

New Zealand Times, Volume LII, Issue 12211, 8 August 1925, Page 11

Humours of Hyde Park

“Safety Valve of the Soap-Box Cranks, Fanatics and Missionaries

(By

Stephen Graham.)

ICT . 5P not preach the redemption P or tho soul, but the redemption r of the body. I say you need not die." “Now, King Hezekiah said—please ■ don t interrupt! For the umpteenth time I say this is a fundamental question.” “I am telling you of a war greater than a great war.” ~ “You are twisting, sir. You are a twister.” ; “I do not; twist.' You may hear this discussed on other platforms, even ad nauseam if you please. I have nothing to/add to what X said last Sunday.” • * • » It is-Sunday afternoon in the Park; there are swarms of people, and a score) or so of orators are standing on 1 barrels or soap-boxes and holding forth 1 —ill'contradicting one another and be--1 ing contradicted by their audiences. It is an Extraordinary collection of . 1 . , cranks, fanatics, 1 and missionaries. There is a broad-beard-ed “Father of. Israel” w i t h rimmed glasses, skull-cap on head, and long, g e s 'ticulating, tenuous 'fingers. His Crowd is* trying to get h i m tot a l ie" about a Saviour in which apparently he does not believe. There is a bulleyed Fascist fac-. ing Socialist, and a grassi-eating, redtied gent talking Socialism to Fascists. There is a rubicund, well-fed friar,' with knotted cord, preaching Catholicism, Crucifix in hand. PULLING THE ORATOR’S LEG There is. a pallid, narrow-browed Protestant warning the outskirts of-the Catholic’s crowd against the evils of [ Popery; - There _is an astonishing Scotsman preaching Prohibition in a voice that seems all the'-while to lie inviting yon to come and' have a drink. There is a man with a quack doctor’s 1 Planner exposing the evil of patent 1 medicine. -. There is the uplifted | cherubic face of an evangelic lad 1

singing-sweetf hymns in a circle of girls. There - is', a.! pop-eyed > Ethiopian diseaursingon ,betting and,(horses. The whole makes a remarkable- free entertainment-at Marble Arch, and as Bpring warms the grass plots and the flower beds an ever-increasing crowd .takes the air there. Despite thtf rule against leaving cars in the park there is a queue of motors and moton-bicyclee showing that people ,evsh come distances to join in the babel of dispute.' Many pblioe and plain-clothes men look on —to prevent free fights l —not, as you might "imagine, to prevent blasphemy or lose majeste. , “Who cares what they sayP” is the indulgent remark of'a Bobby when one of the spouters says: “I am heroito say there is no God, and to prove that there is iione.” The notice thoroughly enjoy their patrol duty. among the crowds round the orators. They and the red-coated (guardsmen out with their girls: give colour and stylq to the assembly. _ Tlie micoess of this entertainment is: chiefly due to the .arguments which take place. Young men go in to have some fun, and to- pull an orators leg; but they get engaged by him in a serious argument, lose their hats, lose their presence of mind, shout, make little circles of their own to justify the view which they cannot force on the speakers. t The patience of the speakers is remarkable. I suppose long practice teaches them how to get the better of the crowd. .Insults, humiliating jokes,: awkward questions; catcalls, nothing -of the kind can ruffle them. Despite all- unwelcome- interruptions they blare forth their message with painful repetitions which resemble in a - way the obstinacy of a nurse endeavouring to put a spoonful of castoroil intp a baby’s mouth. THE NEGRO There is a line-up of the forces of Communism and civilisation in Bul-

- “Papa-,” said the small. son, “what do they ; mean -by college bred? Is it different from any other kind of bread?” “My son,” said the father, “it is a four, years’ loaf.” “Whatever are you doing on the top of that tree, Mike ? Don’t you see that it’s being cut down?” “Yes, your honour; the last toime ye had a tree cut down it fell on the top of me, and begorrah, Oi’ll be safe this time.”.

brains. Bottomley won the war. He alone won it. The Kaiser bated him. He sent a Zeppqlin to destroy his business premises., But Bottomley tipped insurance at ten to one. but having done that lie made a book among *tbe war widows and welshed them, and now he’s counting the bugs on a prison wall. That’s where brains led him. You don’t want brains. See that, bald-headed man over there preaching the Gospel I ' He’s < got. so much brain it has burned up his hair.” The crowd croons and gabbles and giggles and moves about from speaker to speaker. Some take the thing seriously, but the majority think it the most amusing joke in the world. Gaiety rules. As for the orators, they let themselves go, they purge their bosoms, get their sorrows off their chest. It is good for them, and t daresay good for the country that there is the safety-valve of the soap-box platform for all and sundry who feel they must stand up: and address their fellow men.

Deacon Spriggs: “Young man, why do you : spend so much of your, time standing around on the station platform?" Youth: - “Wal, a feller gets tired of jigs’ doin’, nothing.” Dolly: “Why, I wouldn’t marry you if ydu-were the last man on earth.” Eddy: “I quite believe you. The last man on earth will have too many other troubles without thinking about getting married.”

. garia and then again in Bessarabia, ” says the imperturbable Fascist. “What about Soutbend-on-Sea ?’ ’ cried a wag.' ■ “Hindenburg becomes President of Germany,” he goes on. “But you came out bottom of the poll there,” says an interpreter. But it makes no difference. The Fascist rolls on like a barker at a fair. One of the funniest speakers is a tall Barbadoes negro who hap ,a tipster’s buttonhole in his coat, a perspiring face and fuazy-wuzzy hair so cut and ■ combed that he seems to have a hat on his head. It is difficult to graßp what exactly is his purpose in speaking in Hyde Park; perhaps to assuage nis vanity, have an admiring crowd round him and listen to their, laughter. But he is evidently in the betting business. “I was taken prisoner during the war,” says he. “The Germans say: ‘What you is?’ I shake my head and say:. ‘Me no sabbee.’ They speak English to me, French to me. We no sabbee, me Arab. So they treat ire nice. ’ They were killing Ohr i s tians at that time and letting Mah ometans go, and it was six to one against them. So I was able to make my book and got to Russia, where I was imprisoned. for putting a bob both -w a.y s on. Karl Marx. Finally I got to England and left very proud of my country.”; BRAINS The negro did- not cease chattering fdr hours, and he had a whole series of funny tags. “England discovered South Africa. The black men brought their diamonds to her. Solly Joel went out and bought the diamonds and gave them to. his brother-in-law, who built all the Woolworth’s Stores and put the diamonds there. NoV it’s six to four on.” Nonsensical as this seems, it Won roars of mirth. ,He then told the story of Bottomley. “Bcttomley had