SHORT STORIES

New Zealand Times, Volume LI, Issue 12022, 27 December 1924, Page 16

SHORT STORIES

WHERE THEY FAIL. Airs Forsides was engaging a new maid. She was particular about any servant she took into her house and, in spite of the shortage, she always insisted on highly satisfactoi-y references. “Have you any references?” she inquired of one applicant who Beemde more or less suitable. “Yes, ma’am,” answered the applicant brightly, “a lot of ’em.” “Then why didn’t you bring them with you?” asked the prospective mistress. “They’re just like my' photographs, ma’am—none of ’em do me justice.” A VERY GOOD REASON. Baroness Wentworth, who is a breeder of Arabian thoroughbreds, telle this one of the Londoner, who, having arrived at the railway station nearest a certain racecourse, hired a .fly to drive him the rest of the way, a matter of five miles. As the vehicle mad© rather slow progress, the traveller asked the driver if he thought they would arrive at the course in time for the two o’clock race. “I hope so, Bir,” replied the jarvey. “I want to give him (indicating - the honse. a hit of a ret. He’s running in the two-thirty.” , THE YOUNG MAN’S BID. “Now, gentlemen!” shouted the auctioneer, as he held up a suspiciously yellow “gold” watch, “what offers for this —this beautiful chronometer? Guaranteed sound and —er —warranted to keep good time—er—and—” Even he couldn’t think of things to say about the watch he was trying to sell. ' “Please may I bid?” called a modest young man from the back of the room. '‘Certainly 1” replied the auctioneer, delightedlyA 1 leyes turned quickly to tho spot where stood the auctioneer’s innocent victim. “Well, then,” said the young man, calmly, “I’ll hid you good-night 1” AN URGENT CALL. “Now what oan that be?” said Mrs Newlywed to herself as, while she was upstairs making the beds, there was a ring at the front door bell. ' “I expect it’s someone selling something again.” She stopped work and went downstairs to open the front door. Outside stood a boy. He was from the local plumber. “Aly boss 6ays he can’t come, after all,” the boy said. ‘‘But as it was an urgent call he sent me.” _ “But I never sent for anyone,” said the lady of the house, rather puzzled. “Are you sure you have got the address right?” “Oh, yes,” answered' the lad cheerfully, “the address is all right. But never mind I expect it must have been the people as was here before you moved in. TWO SOUVENIRS. Jenkins was doing a walk-tour in Ireland. He had called at a wayside Irish cabin to obtain a glass of milk on morning, and while he was drinking it he chatted to the owner. Looking round him, he noticed at the top of a chest a glass shade under which was, a rose and a brick. “Why do you cherish two such dissimilar objects?” he inquired of bis host, “Shure, sorr” was the reply, “there’s memories attached to that.' Feel this big dent in my head Well, it was the brick that made it.” “Pes, I understand,” said Jenkins; “but what about the rose?” “Ah, tbs rose, begorra,” answered the Irishman. “The rose is off the grave bf the spalpeen who threw the brick.” NOT GUILTY. The old negro was in the dnok, charged with having stolen a watch. Counsel and witnesses for both sides did their best and worst, but when the jury came to • consider their verdict they decided that the evidence was not :ufficient to convict the pin man and that they must return a verdict of “Not Guilty.” This they ilid, and the judge, turning to the prisoner, said: “Pon re acquitted.” 'Die old black man looked rather doubtful at this, and! asked: “Acquitted? What yo’ mean, judge?” “1 mean,” answered the judge, -‘you are acquitted.” The negro looked more confused: thain ever. '“Judge,” he asked, “does dat mean dat I have to gib dat watch back?” STREET CRICKET. A man who had suffered much at the hands of a band of youthful cricketers who persisted in sending their ball over his garden wall succeeded in catching one of them after a short sprint/down the road. “Now, my lad,” he said. “I’ve often watched you play. You use the lamp pest for a wicket, but I notice that the batsmen’never run. \ What is your system of scoring?” “It’s one cross the road,” said the boy, in a Trembling voice; “two to the next lamp poet, and six over your wall.” “But whq.t happens if you break a window, as you did a- minute or two ago?” “Then we dll tun, air,” said the cricketer. GETTING A MOVE ON. When Robinson arrived at tlie railway station he found' that be had exactly twenty minutes to spare before his train departed. He had left home in rather a hurry that morning, and so had omitted to shave. Having bought his ticket, he dashed across the street and, entering a ,barber's shop, demanded a hasty shave! The barber applied tho brush in a veiy slow and deliberate manner, so at last Robinson found himself confronted with a choice between two terrible alternatives—to miss the train or to catch it with his’ face covered with lather. “Do please hurry 1” he urged the barber. But the man paid no heed. He continued lathering. At last Robinson could stand it no longer He seized the tormentor’s hand. “For pity's sake,” he cried, “hold that brush still, and I’ll waggle my head.” THE NE(W SALESMAN. At one of the large stores certain young ■ men belonging to well-known families are 'being iven the opportunity gto prove that they ca.n become efficient retail business men. One of these lias become a very persuasive salesman, but tlierfe wa« one customer with wnom he failed. He was a wealthy, rather overbearing man. He wanted a winter <oat for his chauffeur. Nothing would please him. He left making cutting remarks about the establishment ' and wliat it had to ffore. Tho Same night the customer was at a fashionable dinner nartv. After dinner he found himself talking politics, polo, and • places ’ abroad with a man, who obviously was on friendly terms with everyone at the party. “I seem to have met you before.” he said at last to tho voung man. “Your face is familiar. Where did I meet you?” "Well, it was this afternoon,’’ was the reply. “I triol tv. sell you a chauffeur’s overcoat, and you were darned rude to me.”