THE “EXPERT”

New Zealand Times, Volume LI, Issue 12008, 10 December 1924, Page 15 (Supplement)

THE “EXPERT”

SOME ÜBEFUL HINTS TO THE OWNER-DRIVER. ' Wien I got married a few months ago my fatner-ip-law made me a presont of a motor-car.' together with a complete set of repairing tools for every conceivable breakdown. Said he, “My boy, this will save you tons of money. You can get busy on your own repairs instead of pouring your surplus wealth into the pockets of. the garage man. Be "independent!” Great ideal Now I could show my wife what a man could do, and how superior to woman he is in intelligence. Not that I know anything about mechanics; hut, above all things,, a wife must have confidence in her husband. If she can’t look up to him' and think he is just perfect, her idol is shattered. and he is relegated to exercising the dachshund. ■Now, if there is one thing more than any other that especially bothers a woman it is mechanism and tools. Once assert your cleverness in that direction, and your position is unassailable. As a matter of faot, I am a perfect as with anything more complicated than a hammer and a French nail. But the old. man knew some, thing when he said, “Be independent!” About a month after we had settled in the house the car and its equipment arrived. My wife was admiring -it in our garage, and I was setting out the tools ou the bench. Said she, “How awfully nice, Archie: now you will be able to do lots of little repairs in the house.” ‘‘Oh, yes, ” I said “Yes, of course, dear, when they want doing.” “Why, I just remember, Archie, the water tap in the bathroom is leaking and I was just about to send for a plumber.” “What! Send for a plumber? Hew ridiculous!” I exclaimed. “Never, never;”send for a plumber, Gertie: we shouldn’t have a bath for a week. I will put it right at once.” ‘ ‘That’s splendid,: Archie, and I will stay and watch you.” : With, a brain revolving like an air- § lane propeller, I selected a dozen ifferent kinds of tools, and we proceeded to the scene of disaster. After trying each of the tools, I found I had left the spanners behind. A few minutes later I had adjusted a moveable spanner to fit the nut. For a brief moment, daring which the whole, of my past life rose before me, I Reflected which was the right way to unscrew the wretched thing. Of, course, a screw always turns, from left to right, I .thought. However, my wife did not notice this hesitation, so I said very firmly, “Stand back, Gertrude, I’m now going to commence....” Then I gave the mighty pull and something seemed to give way. r was afraid to proceed any further, when my wife ssid, “Let me try, Archie; I would so much like- to know how to unscrew it.” “Don’t turn it in the wrong direction,” I advised her as I gave ner the spanner. She pulled And the tap came off -from the pipe. While she was mopping up the water from the floor, .1 located the main .tap outside and turned'tfie water off. When'the plumber arrived he said Something about, a left-hand thread and made a very impertinent' observation about physical culture. The -day we went for our first ride was an epochmaking event. Two qf my wife’s friends come with ns. Jnsi as we had . got nicely settled down, my wife said, what’s' the mat*-?*

with the ear? It keeps on bumping forward.” “Oh, it’s nothing -much,” I replied. “It’s only- one of the back wheels going faster than the other. That’s the worst of those differentials.” “Differential! Archie. What’s a differential?” “I’ve just told you. It’s a great lump on the back axle, that makes one wheel go slower than the other.” “Gracious 1- Whatever for? You said it went faster, Archie. Do look and see if there’s anything wrong.” I stopped, took a large spanner and a .four-pound .hammer, and retired out of sight to the back of the car. A few loud taps on the axle casing, and I re- 1 Appeared wearing a doubtful smile. ' “Is-it all -right, Archie?” said my wife. “I’m- not quite sure, but it has got rather hot,” I replied seriously. - “But it!s -not near the englfie,. Archie:” “No;'but it’s one of those new aircooled differentials, and I’m not quite certain about it.” We started again, and, much to my

surprise, all went- well for a few miles. Then the jerky Bumping started again, accompanied by explosions like a motorcycle going down Adderley street. We were, however, close to an hotel, and 1 drew up. . “ Just in time for tea,*’. 1 remarked pleasantly. “If you" ladies will go inside I’ll fix up the car.”**Thifi time I raised the bonnet, and discovered e-loose wire from the magneto. Just as I had tightened this up my wife-came put of the hotel. I was standing -in my shirt sleeves, with a spanner in each hand,, and surrounded by all the tools from the kit. “Archie. X "think-the engine must be misfiring,” said she, who had doubtless learnt some tips from my father-in-law. Still,- it wpuld never do for-me to acoept any sfach advice, so I simply observed, “No, Gertie; it’s. the clutch; that wants .-greasing. I’ll fix .it up.‘ Run 'away and took after your friends.” ■ Of course, the clutch idea was only camouflage. If there’s one thing on a car I know less about than another it’s the clutch. What it clutches; or why it ’ dutches, -I haven’t the faintest no-

tion. But at all costs my wife must never get the idea that she knows more about the car than I do. .Never make the fatal mistake of appearing to know nothing about it. Many a happy home has been wrecked in that way. Just say something technical like, “The magneto has lost its hysteresis,” or “The gudgeon pin has slipped its moorings.” The journey hack was splendid. For some unaccountable reason the car ran quite smoothly. I stopped just once; to feel the differential, I told my wife. Said she, “Is it cooler now, Archie?” “Yes,” I replied. “You see, the wind is against us, and that cools it down. When we get home I will look at the cam shaft. I think it has fallen into the bottom of the crank case”’ , ■ ' ’ “Don’t lose it, Archie, whatever yon do; spare parte are so expensive.” “You’re right, Gertie; hut it’s quite 'safe. I’ll tie it up to one of the connecting rods next time we go out.” “You’re really quite clever, old boy; I had no idea that you knew so much about motor-cars. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Always thinking of you, dear,” I said, with a Wistful smile, and a' mental •prayer, for forgiveness/ . After a few more skirmishes around the car, during which I passed to my wife.’s friends some voluntary observe tions on the aqtovac, timing gear, and accelerator, I cranked up with some trepidation, and we started once more. The car again ran perfectly. What I had done to the blessed thing, heaven only knows. Anyhow, 1 had saved the situation, and established my fame as a motor , expost. Nothing else really mattered: ‘ If you once let a woman think that you know nothing about mechanics your..recovery will be a slow and painful process: She will forgive but' ignotance—never I- Imagine how my manly bosom heaved .with pride when, in taking leave, one of my wife’s friends said, :“I wish my poor yhubby,! were as clever with a car as your husband is, Gertie:” ' A.H.G.

“Why is your wife so jealous of your “My wife used t° he my typist.” i