SMILE SEED

New Zealand Times, Volume XXXII, Issue 7111, 25 April 1910, Page 2

SMILE SEED

She: "What do vou lik- be„t about a girK-" lie: ".Mr arms, of course." <Terk : "1 want more salary, sir, because 1. am going to gel married." Vhnpio.ver: "But J. don't believe in 'unions' raising the price of labour." "How bright and happy .May looks since her engagement." '"Yes; a. match usually lights up a girl's face." "You know, our Alice has a wonderful control over her voice," said one lady to a not her. "Yes." commented her companion, sweetly, "can do everything with it but stop it." ' Pessimist Jones: '.'How is.it. Smith, that vou look so hale and happv and well:-" Optimist Smith : "Every time I sit down to worry I fall asleep."

"That friend of yours never comes round unless he has an axe to :rrind," said tho local II.P. "Worse than that," answered the other. "I not only have to turn the grindstone, but I have to lend him the axe."

• "It is vonr aim. of course," said his intimate friend, "to make people think:-"

"No," replied the i»pular lecturer, iu. a burst of confidence, "mv business is to make peon!;' think thev think, or rather, to make-them think'.l think they think."

Friend : "The gossips have formulated a I'cgulnv indictment again-l your character. They say'you were a terrible flirt while abroad. JJo you plead- guiltyV" American Girl: "Y-e-s, to three counts."

"If is a waste of lather lo shave an ass," emoted the grey-bearded sage, after trying vainly to convince the flippant youth. "Is that." asked the flippant youth, "tho reason you let your beard grow?"

lie: "What! Another five .shillings for the dentist! and you had ten shillings for. the doctor only lust week! I can't keep'on paying out like this for your pleasures."

"Are you going to .settle anything on' your daughter:-" asked tho young man with otcnroKe and languid air. "Well, it rather looks, if she marries you, that sho is going to settle something on mc," replied the. parent.

When Sir John Can- was in Glasgow in 1807. ho was asked by the mnrristratos what inscription ho recommended for tho Nelson statue, then just erected. Sir John recommended a short one: "Glasgow lo Nelson." "Juist so." said one of tho bailies: "and as tho town o' Nelson's close at hand, might we not jmsl. say : 'Glasgow to Nelson, sax miles, au' so' it might serve for a monument an' a milestone, too?'" .. The love-sick swaiu spent a whole day and half a niirht in composing -the following sonnet in praise of the object of his affections: Beautiful maiden, with eyes of blue, Oh! how my heart it sighs, for you. Sweetest. I love you much, I vow. How can I do without you now? Hut tho su'bieet of the sonnet had no soul for poetry, for she informed its author that she considered his effort to be "a clever acrostic." Husband : "What ! You bought an artificial arm?" Wife: "Yes. dear. You see. if wan a great bargain, and " Husband: "Great Scott! What are you thinking of? You haven't any, earthly use for such a thing." Wife: "But, dear, you know you travel on the railway a good deal, and you can never tell what may happen. Spigot: "Johnson ran his motor into.-a building yesterday." ' Faucet: "D?»r me! A shop.Spigot: "No; a garage.

"Ah. good-morning!" «aid the early bird to the worm.' "Looking,for a job?" "Yes. Can I do anything for you? ' "Yes, you'll about fill fie bill, I think."

"Women, my boy," said.an old parent to his son. "are a delusion, and a snare.' "It is queer" murmured the boy, "how people will hug a delusion." .

A woman is keeping in a book a list of things she ought to purchase, but cannot afford to wean-. She calls the book her ousht-to-buy-ograpby.

Biggs: "That fellow Qjjjvor is inclined to be somewhat contrary, isn t her "Diggs: "Contrary! Why. if In? had two ideas in, his'head they would fall out with each other!"

"This nlav in its intensity." said the go-ont-between-the-acfa -yoitne man. "fairly takes my breath away." ' "I onlv wish it would!' .gloomily remarked the lady in the next seat..

"Why, Willie, you don't seem to be enioying yourself." '.- - . . '''No, uncle. .I'm having a miserable time. Auntie told me to\ eat as much as I wanted—and I can't!" :

He: "Can' vou tie,a true lover's knot, Miss Hilling?".. . She: "No. but I can give you the address oi a clergyman who, I am sure, would be only too glad to oblige you." "Why is it that it is usually unmarried women who -write articles on 'Howto Manags a Husband'?" I "Oh! von don't suppose a married woman is going to give her little plan away, do vou?" , , A teacher was explaining to a little

girl how the trees developed, their foliage in Hie springtime. ".Mi. yes." said the little jrirl, "I understand: they, keep their summer clothes it} their trunks." "Yes. mum," said the mendicant, "once for a whole year I turned me back ou likker." Kind. Lady: "Ah,-my noble man, what wcro yon doinsr at the time?" Mendicant: "Driving a. brewer's dray, mum!" ' Questioner : "You spoke in jour lecture, sir, 'Of a 'selfish optimist.' What did you mean bv that?" Speaker : "I meant, the 6ort. of ' man who would point, out the silver _.lininn in a cloud merely to avoid lending you an umbrella." Two little ne.sro bays wotc bavins; a row.' The insults that were beinc hurled at, each other were finally clinched by the following remark ■. — "Ya—why. yo mos' black enuft to ko naked to a funeral." "But. mv dear sir. your play does not even touch the chords of humanity," remarker! a theatrical lessee, referrinpr to I a comedy that, he had deisrned to see. "What? No human ' touch? Great Soot," exclaimed the dramatist. "And the hero is always borrowing money from his friends." Teacher: ".Johnny Jimson, why were you not at school yesterday?" Pupil : "Please, ma'am, I was cohvalescin'." Teacher (surprised): "From,. what, pray?" Pupil: "Three apple-dumplin's an' a packet of cisrarettes." Mrs Dearborn : "You say that is Mrs Burke-Martin?" Mrs Jones: "Yes; Burke was licr'namp and Martin was ber husband's name." Mrs Dearborn : "But why does she use the hyphen between the names?" Mrs Jon?s: "To show that she is separated from her husband." Wilson: "What did that, pretty shop Ei'rl m.v when tou stole .-v kiss"" ■ • ,Tohn*on -. -" Shu «*id, 'Will that bo all to-day?'" "I eajoT a. ouiet imoko." said a man to a fel low-passenger on a liner. "Well." said the strancer. moving across the deck, "you will never be tronblcd with crowds while you smoke ci'sJirs of that brand."