SNAP-SHOTS

New Zealand Times, Volume XXX, Issue 6489, 8 April 1908, Page 3

SNAP-SHOTS

NOT TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS.

A popular archdeacon was out one day with his dog and gun. Meeting a parishioner, he proceeded to put him tnrough his facings. “X hope," said the archdeacon, **you attend church regularly and read your Bible P” "I do read my Bible," replied the parishioner, who then added in a severe tone, "but I nowhere find that the Apostles went out shooting." "No,” said the archdeacon; "theshooting was very bad in Palestine, so they went fishing instead." UNDAUNTED. An American and a Scotsman were speaking about the intense cold in the North of Scotland. "Why. it's nothing at all compared to the cold wave we have in the States," said the American- "I can recollect one winter where a sheep, j umping from a hillock into a field, became suddenly frozen on the way, and stuck in the air like a mass of ice." "But. good heavans, man," exclaimed the Scotsman, "tho law of gravity wouldn't allow that!" "We don't do things by halves at home," replied the tale pitcher, "the law of gravity was frozen too!" THE SEATS SHE PEEFEEEED. Leigh Lynch was a happy man—the father of a family of children in which was centred his unselfish hope. He used to carry his business cares and pleasures home, where he was always sure of ready and generous sympathy. Eor several years he was treasurer of the Union Square Theatre in New York. One evenipjC at dinner, in the presence of his little daughter, Marie, he mentioned to Mrs Lynon that the gross receipts of the week had risen to an unprecedented height. The next day Marie asked to be taken to the matinee, “All right, dumpling,” assented the fond father. "What seato would you like P" "Well, papa," she replied, "I’d like to have them grocery seats you telled us about."

FRENZIED FINANCE A Richmond lawyer was consulted not long since by a coloured man, who complained that another negro owed him 3 del., a debt which he absolutely refused to discharge. The creditor : had dunned and dunned him, but all to no purpose. He had finally come to the lawyer in the hope that ho could give him some good advice. "What reason does he give for refusing to pay you?" asked, the legal man. "Why, boss," said the darkey, “he said he done owed me dat money for so long dat do interest had et it all up, an' he didn't owe me a cent." THE REASON ANNEXED. One of the wittiest of peers is Lord Longford, and he has also earned the reputation of being one of the worst dressed, in spite of the fact that for twenty years he has been in the Second Life Guards. The story goes that a friend once met him in Ireland garbed in a pair of continuations which were not on speaking terms with his boots, and chaffed him mercilessly about the "lucid interval'' that occurred between them. But "Tommy," as Lord Longford is known to his intimates, in nowise disconcerted. blandly explained that it was really a matter of high politics. "Sou sec. ,my dear fellow, the breeches were made by a tailor who is a rampant Orangeman, while the boots . are the achievement of a Fenian cobbler, so how can yon expert 'em to meet?"

Jeff Truly was one of the unsuccessful aspirants for the majority suffroge of his fellow-citizens. Prohibition doctrines figured in the struggle, and seemed very important to a Methodist minister. * brother Truly," said the minister, "I want to ask you you a question—Do you ever take a drink of whisky?” "Befo' I answer that.” responded the wary Brother Truly, "X want to_ know whether it is an inquiry or an invitation.”

WHERE HE SLEPT. The doting parents of a Connecticut boy, who had gone to New York under the patronage of a prosperous hardware merchant, were naturally most desirious to know just how the lad was "getting on.” When, after a fortnight, the father wrote to his boy'© employer, saying that his son was “no hand at writing letters,” he stated that he was anxious to know the boy s progress. “And,” he added, "I wish you'd let me know where he sleeps at nights.” In a short while, says "Harper s Weekly,” reply came from the hardware man, who, among other things, imparted this information— . "Your eon sleeps in the store in the daytime. I do not know where he sleeps nights.”

OBESERVING REGULATIONS. "I have in mind a story that I heard about a National Guard encampment lust summer,” ;saidi Captain Roald Amundsen, Norway's famous Arctic exElorer, in the course of a dinner 1! } is honour. "A new volunteer, who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty one night when a friend brought him a pie trom tho canteen. "As he sat on the grass eating the pie the major sauntered up in undress. The sentry, not recognising him, did not salute, and tho major stopped and! earn—- " 'What's that you have there? "'Pie/ said tho sentry, good-natured-ly. 'Apple pie. Have a bit?' "The.major frowned. " 'Do you know who X am ? he asked. '"No/ said the sentry, ‘unless you're the major's, groom.' “The major shook his head. " 'Guess again/ he growled, 44 'The barber from the village ? "No/ , . , 4r 'Maybe'—here' the centry laughed—'maybe you're the major himself?' "‘That's right. I am the major, was tho stern reply. ~ , f . ‘‘The sentry scrambled to his feet. " 'Good gracious !' he exclaimed. Hold the pie, will you, whilo X present arms!' ”

DIDN'T COMPLAIN. BUT? Rear-Admiral Longnecker (retired), remarking recently to the "New York Tribune" on th© subject of discontent among soldiers and sailors, said: "Men are often discontented without reason, but oftener they have good ground for their grumbling, and .it is because their officers are stupid or lazy that conditions do not improve. I remember once visiting a pompous, handsome, stupid army officer. During my visit a private approached the officer with a full cup and saucer in hi© hand. " 'Well, Sinks, my man,' said the officer in a condescending tone. " 'Captain,' said the . private saluting, 'l'll ask ye to taste this here. I won't make no complaint. I'll just ask yo to taste this slop, and if you don't say, by * " 'That will do. Binks/ tho captain interrupted in his dignified way, for Binks was getting very angry. And he took the cup from the man, bent forward stiffly, and swallowed a couple of mouthfuls of the liquid. "Then he looked at th© private calmly. ""This is not bad,' he said. T can't taste anything wrong with this, Binks. By th© way, what is it —tea or coffee?’ "

EACH TO HIS TASTE. "Tobacco ain't th© only thing chewed," said the cigar store man, "I wish it was. But I’m writin' up a etory about chewens for the Sunday paper. "In the Far East they chew the betel. They wrap the nut in a bit of leaf, and, for seasonin', they add a little lime. It's a tart-tastin' chew, not bad, and it has, like tobacco, a soothin' effect. "Coffee experts and dealers chew coffee beans, and tea dealers chow tea. Very exhilaratin', both chews, but ruinous to the nerves and digestion. "Jockeys and trainers chew oate, hay. straw—anything horsey. Uoiw feed makes a, cheap and harmless chew. "In the spice trade th© hands often git Hihe habit of shewin' ginger, or cinnamon, or a clove; but spices is bad for the teeth, "Seamstresses chew bits of thread, and athletes chew gum, and football players chew the rag."

HE KNEW. Dr A. F. W. Ingram, the Bishop of London, said at a dinner in Washington;—"They say I overdo athletics, but I don’t really. Exercise keeps me fit. I don't overdo it any more than_ the Parliamentary candidate. Juggins, overdid his cordiality. "Juggins was running for a slum district in Birmingham, and his cordiality among the slum voters excited a good deal of surprise. Two canvassers fell into talk about it. ' " 'lt's a grand idea of Candidate Juggins'. said the first. 'lnstead of just shaking hands with a voter in the ordinary way, he rushes up and grabs the man's two hands, shaking them long and warmly/ "‘But isn't that rather overdoing it?' said the other canvasser. "'Overdoing it? No, indeed. It may look like overdoing it, but Juggins knows his way about. As long as he holds both the fellow's hands he knows his puree is safe.'"