PICKINGS FROM THE PINK ’UN

New Zealand Times, Volume XXX, Issue 6451, 24 February 1908, Page 3

PICKINGS FROM THE PINK ’UN

.SPORTING WIT AND HUMOUR.

i Said tho journalist's wife, as she i | helped him on with his overcoat: j “Sam, dear, don t forget the kids this Christmas Eve. When you Ret up they have gone to school; when you com© home they have gone to bed. Send them :i picture postcard of yourself, will you ?" i Turning over the leaves of the “Compleat Angler” we came across the following:—Viator, "I marry, sir. this ( glass of good sack has refreshed me, and I’ll make as bold with your meaw for -the trout has got me a good .stomach." Little King Alfonso can point to old Izaak as a man who liked his glass of sherry after his fish and before his meat. I At a recent first night we hoard this dialogue in the stalls of a West Ena th “ How provincial that actor is.” “Why?" ‘T can hear every word he says. The old soldier was in talkative mood. “Did X ever see Wellington? Why, of course. X did. I was lying on the ground when I 'card the sound o’ 'osses' opfs, <uk! soon <i voico cnllod out, ‘ls that you, Saunders ?’ I knowed the voice in a hinstant —it was the Dock of Wellington. ‘Yes. sir,’ eez I. most respectful. 1 ‘Come ’ere,' ecz the doolc. I riz reluctant from the ground, for I was tired out. Ho sez to me when I came near him, ‘Saunders, I want you to go back ’omo.’ ‘Why?’ ecz I. ‘Because you'ro killin’ too many people,’ sez the jdook. And 'ome I went!"

! When you com© to think of it there 'is not a great deal of difference bei tween a clan, a hired band of applauders, and a time-keeper. The first is a clique, the second a claque, and the third a clock. “Hullo. Freddy; I see you've got a new man? I thought your last valet | was perfect." ~ ... , ( “No; I bad to get nd of him; he : simply wouldn't keep the crease down tho front of my pyjamias straight, f Hang it all! No fellow could stand that. Wha’?” A little maid of some three years had a large family of dolls, which she loved devotedly rr “Mamma," she asked on© day, when X die and go to heaven can I take my dolls with mo?" . „ , . “No, dearie, I fear not/ replied her mamma. , , , , “Not even my big, beautiful French dollie?" asked tho little one. “No. dear, not even the French doll. After thinking a few moments the little maid got out the following: “Guess I'll take my dear old Teddy bear and go to hell 1" >

I Ho had been to Mudie's for a book one day, and he was talking about the number of pretty girls there. Never saw such a pretty lot, etc., etc. After about five minutes of it, the demure little country cousin, who was quietly knitting said: “Well, Horace, what did you take I back —a book or a girl?” I At tho Lincoln’s Inn dinner of tho 1 Alpine Clnb tho Bishop of Bristol was i "supported by a distinguished mm- ! pany."

‘"You said the dam. dog was good for rats!” yelled the indignant customer, hut the dealer only smiled. “Well ho grunted deliberately. “Well!” Ho won’t look at a bloomin' rat!" and the irate person choked. “Seems to mo to be good for tho rat. then. Wot moro 'ava you to complain of?” i'T have been learning my cataclysm,’’ as the boy said when ha had been swept away by an avalanche. A popular novelist and dramatist was a visitor to the court during the past sensational trial. He cam© out during tho luncheon hour, and y"’' 1 t© the particularly tall policeman at the door: “T cam© in with Sir Clmrlcs Mathews. You will know me again ? The con- ■ stable looked at the modern Shake; eooaro, and said: “I shall never forget you.** To prove that Christmassing had we!) and truly started, three youths of the undergraduate class stood at the pro mcnade bar at tho Alhambra the other evening and started a Yuletide partsong. Instantly they were surrounded bv threo giants in livery, and ex-Corpl.-Mfvior Roberta said:— . . “Must trouble you. gentlemen, to finish this little selection in Leicester Square. “One mom’nt ” said the spokesman of tho trio, “X sh’d first like V enquire if th' preS’nt chucking-out staff is same as is was Ins’ Bo’ B-ac-o night? ‘'Precisely tho same m every particnlnr, sir,” replied Roberts. .... “Then.” replied the youth, buttoning his evening coat quite promptly, ‘ then we’ll go at oncel” The head of a blacking and boot polish firm has left over three hundred thousand “shiners.”

Mr.. Justice Grantham was ragging the reporters for sneering at the jury whilst the jurymen themselves were supremely indifferent to his championing—and probably enjoying their stay at the Manchester, “with stimulants in moderaand their carriage drives to the scene of the murder. The Press has more latitude in New Tort, where, dTuring the Caruso charge, ono of the Hearet reporters used the tenor's broad back as a writing-desk. Why does not someone make the wearing of sparrows on hats fashionable? This would stop the slaughter of beautiful birds, and help to rid the country of the winged rate.

The only time the juror gets his own back is when ho weighs in to the court with a friendly doctor's certificate. Thus did a certain well-known bookmaker cnoo escape duty by his physician stating him to be “in so delicate a state of health that confinement for any lengthened period in a heated atmosphere would probably cost him his life,” whilst tho bookio himself, in a state of intense excitement and his shirt- [ sleeves, played his second heat in the billiard handicap at his usual club, in a packed room with the thermometer at 130.”

“And—ah.—do you believe in the higher pantheism?” tusked the Duchess of Down street of her new next door neighbour. ‘‘Oh, I dunno,” responded Mrs Snhstudded lorgnette, “although X think if. this weather lasts the men oughter turn , em so as they don't got nil muddied an* frayed round the bottoms.^

It is a cold day for old-fashioned courtesy when the man who gives up his seat in tho Tube to any female over thirty grins in tho full consciousness that ho is playing to the gallery.

Nothing more delights Shoreditch audiences (before whom Tommy Burns is graphically explaining the Urban cinematographic films of the fight twice nightly) than when, at the beginning of the eigth round tho doughty boxer cries, “Hero tho referee takes off bis bloody coat!” for, not realising tho fact that the gore which ran from the gunner was rapidly destroying Gen* Corn's new silk-faced dinnej jacket, they take is only as aural evidence that the great boxing god of the moment is just as human—just as homely as themselves.

Tho Bishop of Bath, touring through his diooeeo in a motor car, ran into a flood, and was nearly getting a bath he had bargained for. He was rescued by a horse, and in future he save he will have his money on tho quadruped, and wants to know what Is favourite for the Derby.

“Did you hear 'what Lord Kitchener said to the deaf old lady at the Viceregal ball ?” “No.” “Nor did she.”

Fe had gone the pace, and the gorgeous funeral they gave him when 1 © was sent down did not compensate for the anguishing interview with the gtorn parent. But the boy, after listening for what seemed like* hours to personal reflections and diatribe? on duty, turned at last.

‘‘When I was your ago/’ and then the father breathed heavily at tho re* collection, “I was to keep myself on my own earnings/' "Sir/* said the boy, benignant!}-, “I know too little of the circumstances to b© in a position to defend tho memory of my grandfather/'

' : “9ay/' said little MarMalini, ''die Christmas caper is all right for you London pfellers, but for picturesouiesUliess and romance its dollars to doughnuts on them Scots pfcll. s vot goes to San Paul's on Noo Year’s night for —for vnt doy call do gatlierin- o' the glands !" .

Female plaioo are longer live! than male plaice, say the members of the North Sea investigation committee. We always thought a place within tho meaning of the Act was neuter.

If; and when, the Government abolishes barmaids, the youngsters who wish to flirt' must move on to the bookingofficeig of the Tube railway, whore lady clerks are threatened. It is not a pleasant look out for the belated passenger.

Suggested for the next aeroplane—,fMay Fly/’

In natural history the crane is distinguished chiefly for its long legs and npek. But the crane in Piccadilly has an nrm fifty feet long. How's that for high?

The lessee of the G 1 end ram shooting this year was an elderly Englishman, who, although a good sportsman, was quite a crank on health matters. The season waa a particularly wet one. and birds far from plentiful, so there was ample opportunity for him to preach llife favourite fads to tho keeper Attached to the shoot,_ Archie, who had never known a day's illness in his life, and who thought, nothing of a thorough soaking or of yalking for hours with tho water squelching through his boots at every step. The pet fad of the old gentleman was that of pouring a glass of whisky into hi<3 boots before starting out on a day's tramp on the wet moor, and so often had ho a/yiinflelled Archie to adont this safeguawS that th© poor man felt h© must a trial for diplomatic reasons, so it to his wife—th© keeper of the family bottle—who after hearing the whole story, replied: "Twa o' guid whuaky t' poor mi/ ye're butts! Guidsake, man, ye maun be daft! Na. na, if we maun dae something 'tell ye're jnannie I'll try his odyioe on ane o' th© bairns wi' lemonade."