FOR DULL MOMENTS.

New Zealand Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 5731, 28 October 1905, Page 16

FOR DULL MOMENTS.

••As this is your first day with us, Kate, 1 must impress upon you when you go to the dining-room not. to try to get the dirt off tho old master with a wet rag, but use a dry, toft cloth only.” ’'Oh, ma’am! I should be 100 nervous to wash master. “All hopo abandon ye who enter, here,” is srf.d to bo tho inscription over the Gates of Hell. Once, when Dr Jowett was discussing tho French people, ho said Dantes inscription was not tho correct one. It really read: “lei on parlc fraucais.’’ Mrs Isaacs: “Vake up, Isaac, a burglar is tryiu’ to got through tho window.” Mr Isaacs: “Vait till ho opens der vindow, uud then shoot.” Mrs Isaacs: “Vy don’t you shoot now?” Mr Isaacs: “Vat! XJndt break a bane of glass?” A lady went to a bird fancier for a parrot. She oomph-fined that tho last bird ho had sold her used very bad language. “Well, madame,” said ho, “Here’s is a bird that X can rely on; it was brought from abroad quite lately, and the whole voyage it was in tho ladies’ cabin, and never heard the sailor’s talk at all.” The lady took tho parrot.. A week after sho brought back the parrot to tho shop, visibly angry. "Surely that bird did not swear?” said the man. “No, it did not swear; it was perfectly- silent, until my ‘at home’ day, and then, when the ladies were all talking and supping their tea, it made the most dreadful sounds . . the most dreadful sounds, and in a low and excited vdice it said, ‘Stewardess!’ . . then more eagerly . . . ‘Stewardess!’ . . . and then more sounds. Oh, it was too dreadful for anything. . . . Take it, oh, pray take it. I never want to see a parrot again.” At a marriage service performed in a little country church, when the parson said in a solemn tone, ’'Wilt thou have this man to bo thy wedded husband?” etc., instead of the woman answering for herself, a gruff man’s voice answered;— “Oi will.” The parson looked up, very much perplexed, and paused. He repeated tho sentence, and again the same gruff voice answered: “Oi will.” Again the parson looked up, 'surprised, not knowing what to make of it, when one of the groomsmen, who was standing at the end of the row, said • “ ’Er be deaf. Oi bo answering for her.” "Perkins says his mother-in-law is a fine woman, too fine for this world. One day she was ill. Perkins sends for the doctor, and tho doctor says sho is not really ill, but she ought to go to a warmer climate. Well, what do you suppose Perkins did? He went out and bought, an axe, and, handing it to tho doctor, said, ‘Doctor, you do it; I haven’t got tho heart.’ ” “What in blazes ho wrong wi’ ye today, Garge?” said the captain of an English village club to his best bowler. “A feller ’d think ye’d never ’andled ball afore. Ye be fule t’ day.” “Fule be I?” said George,' sending down a slow and easy one, which yielded another fourer for the enemy’s score. “That black-w’iskered bloke with t’ bat is my wench’s feyther; see ?”

A Georgia negroes, Miss Burroughes, made an address at Hyde Park, London, .recently at one of the meetings of the Baptist World’s Congress. She attracted considerable attention by some of her quaint expressions and stories. Among her oratorical gems were tho following : ' “Its useless to telegraph to heaven for cartloads of blessings, and then not to be on the wharf to unload them when they arrive.” “The church at my home, where I belong, is so small that you have to go out to turn around, but it makes Baptists all tho same/ 5 “At a revival meeting down in Georgia so much noise was made that Iho neighbours were somewhat annoyed. One man asked his cook, Mary, who was present at the meeting, to tell the pastor next time that so much noi/ve was quite unnecessary. ‘Hare you not heard/ ho said, ‘how the beautiful Temple of Solomon was built without noise?’ ‘Yes, boss,’ replied Mary, T know, but wo ain’t near ready yet to build our temple, we’re just blasting the rock. That’s the reason of the noise/ ”