NOTES AT RANDOM.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXVII, Issue 5474, 31 December 1904, Page 9

NOTES AT RANDOM.

(By “Haruspex.”)

Here w© shall tell you a story; Hero wo shall make you a sonf?; For the sake of a moment’s jesting When the spare hour stretches long. Yon shall take the gift we offer As a jest that is meant as a jest; You shall pay ua a dole of laughter And—there wo shall let it rest. From ono of the outlying places in the Queen Charlotte Sounds comes a fanny story. The only communication is by a steamer that calls once a week with tho mail and stores for the folk who live in the vicinity. The charge for carriage of goods is ton shillings a ten or sixpence a cwt. One day a leading and unlettered settler received a bdl which rood : Ono ton of goods, 10s; one cwt, 6d; total, 10s 6d. The old man looked at it for a long time carefully, and then he said: “"Well, I remember gettin' tho ton■ of stuff alright, but dash me if I ever had sixpenn’orth of suet.” The country newspaper is not withi>ut its humour. On a rag up tho coast some time ago a comp., wao takes an interest in yachting, got hold of a sheet of cable copy in which tho names of two famous yacht designer appeared a*, one—“Fife-Watsou.” The cojnp. knew bolter, and appealed to the foreman printer, and the latter took the “copy’ (which was from a morning contemporary) to the editor, and returned to say the boss was “looking it up.” After a time tho editor entered tho composingroom, and said with a triumphant air to the comp., ‘‘You are quite right, Jonos, that name should ho Watson* Fife!” And so it was printed. As he returned to his sanctum tho editor scornfully remarked to the foreman, re forring to his contemporary—“ That Johnson always was a d—fool!'*

“It’s not tho way ’o sez it. it’s wot ’e sez,” is a new arrangement of an old saying to suit the case of Auckland. A few days ago the jubilee of Sir George Giey's first departure was celebrated by the unveiling of a statue to his memory. A phonograph record of one of Sir George’s utterances was billed as an attraction to the throng, and thousands pressed close in to hear it. When the first fow words were uttered tears came to tho eyes of the old identities at the Bound of the familiar voice of past days; and when the record ran out there was a burst of applause. Only one or two knew that the voice was not Grey s Her all. The record had been discovered i o be a poor one, and to prevent any disappointment a leading politician-solicitor spoke the remarks into a phonograph and made a new and clearer record, T, was his voice that so affected the multitude!

The latest medical theory in this age of new and startling theories is hat the custom of spending one’s annual holiday in travel is all wrong. What we want, the doctors tell us, is complete rest, and we can only obtain that by lying in bed. “Haruspex” has a great respect for tho authority of his med'eal advisor, but he certainly cannot agree with him in this dictum. Ho has the best of reasons for saying this, for he .hn.s put tho theory to the test of practical experience, and has discovered that it is all nonsense. The remainder of bis household having decided this year to follow the old-fashioned plan of running off to tho country, “Haruspex” stayed in bed on Christmas Eve, resolved to give the new scheme an exhaustive trial. Ah I what a day 1 First of all, a loud rapping at the door at o a.m. demonstrated the fact that the milkman was impatient, and reminded “Haruspex” that he hadn’t left the can out the night before. When he had satisfactorily dealt with this trouble, and saved the matutinal supply of milk, he abandoned himself once again to the rest cure, only to be disturbed within what seemed one brief half-hour by the calls of the baker and the butcher, who brought the reassuring news that they wouldn’t be round again for three days, and invited him to decide at the point ufl'the bayonet how much bread and meat he was likely to consume within that period. It was the same story throughput the eventful day. A continual stream of callers broke up his rest, and destroyed his faith in the doctors. The climax came when the postman, staggering under the burden, brought him a sheaf of messages wishing him a happy Christmas. “Haruspex” proposes to take his holidays in future as any other rational being does, and go tor a trip isomewhere by rail or road or sea.

There is a general prejudice against the man who never swears. Perhaps it is a relic of the old days of bullockdrays, for it is an accepted axiom that bullocks cannot possibly be driven without a liberal use. of oaths. The “sons of the sea,’ 1 too, are prone to emphasise the points of their conversation with crimson-streaked adjectives. The habit, however—for it is nothing but habit—is a little too general. One very objectionable word—and the commonest in the swearer s vocabulary—ought to bo tabooed. It is becoming a matter of difficulty to walk the city streets without having the ear offended by the ceaseless repetition of this obnoxious adjective; but the worst feature is that the presence of women and children has no effect on great numbers of street loungers. .Dr McArthur some montns ago announced that he would deal severely with any of these offenders brought before him, and “Haruspex” would like to soo the police take ’he hint and institute a vigorous crusade Jigamst this growing class of people, who are fast making the public tliortoughfares places for the fair sex and children to keep out of.