WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXVII, Issue 5312, 25 June 1904, Page 10

WIT AND HUMOUR

The First Law of Gravity—Never laugh at your own jokes. Figures may not lie. but statisticians occasionally get their dates mixed. Who are the laziest persons? Tall people, because they lie longest in bed. “Ho who sings drives away sorrow,” but often causes sorrow to his neighbours. A little man should never marry a large widow. He would be the widows mite. Some 'men’s sayings would fill many volumes and their doings wouldn't fill a postal card. You eat it, you drink it, deny it who can; It is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man ? —Toast Why' is a careful housekeeper the best person to send unmarried daughters to ? —Because she husbands all she has. Osmond —“You always pay as you go, don’t you?” Desmond—“No, indeed; I pay as other people come after me.” Law-abiding.—“ Bridget, why did yon let that policeman kiss you ?” “It’s agin’ the law to resist an officer, ma’am.” Why are ladies like arrows?—Because they can’t go off without a beau, and are always in a quiver till they get one. Judge—“ You say the defendant turned and whistled to the dog. What followed?” Intelligent vVitness—“The dog.” Church—“l understand your wife is very short of breath.” Gatham—“Yes; but it’s not to be wondered at; she’s wasted a lot.” Willie—“Pa, why do they call our language the mother tongue P” Pa—“’Sh! It’s because your father never gets a chance to use it.” W.—“ They tell me, Professor, that you have mastered all the modern tongues.” Professor—“ All but tw'o—my wife’s and her mother’s!” Mistress—“ Bridget, these are ewers. I hope you’ll not call them jugs any more.” Bridget—“ Thank yez, mum. Sure, an’ is these cups mine, too?” “Begorra,” said the Irish policeman, examining the broken window, “this is more sayrious thin Oi thought ut was! It’s broke on both soides!” She. —There goes the General with his daughter.” He—“So I see; and they say_that the daughter has been through more engagements than her father!” “No one ever keeps a cook out in these suburbs over a week.” “Bacon has a cook he has had ten years.” “Great Scot! Who is she ?” “His wife.” “How did Mrs Ringer secure husbands foi all her daughters?” “She gave the impression that she was on bad terms with them, and would never visit them after marriage.” Mrs Younghusband (who has never etnployed anybody in her life before) —“Oh, cook I really must speak to you. Mr Younghusband is always complaining. First it is the soup, then it is the entrees, then the sweets; in fact, there is always something wrong.” Cook “BealIv mum. I’m very sorry for ye. It must be orful to have to live with a man like that.”