SOME GOOD STORIES

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4330, 13 April 1901, Page 3 (Supplement)

SOME GOOD STORIES

“GIT YBB, HAIR CUT." The late Professor Blackde used to relate the following story against himeolf. As everyone knows, the genial professor was a picturesque and striking figure. A wiry-framed old patriarch, with strikingly handsome features and long hair, that fell in ringlets about his shoulders, nobody once having seen him could forget him. Passing along one of the principal Edinburgh streets, he was accosted by a very dirty little street gamin with—- “ Shine your boots, sir?” The urchin was very pressing, and the professor being struck by the extreme filthiness of the boy’s face, remarked—“l don’t want a shine, my lad, but if you go and wash your face, I’ll give you a sixpence." “A' rioht, sir,” was the lad’s reply; and going over to an adjacent drinking fountain he made his ablution. Returning, he held out big hand for the money. “Well, my lad," said the professor, “you-ve earned your money; here it is.” “I dinna want it, auld chap,” returned the boy with a lordly air; “ye can Keep it and git yer hair out." SOLD. A beggar accosted a gentleman the other day and whined—“l’m paralysed in both me hands, mister, and can’t work, for I can’t grasp anything with 'em. Could you spare me a trifle, mister?" “I’m deaf,” replied the gentleman; “so you’d better write down what you have to say. Here’s a pencil and a pieoe of paper." “Deaf, is he,” thought the beggar. “Then he didn’t hear about the paralysis." So he wrote down—“l've got a wife and six children starving at homo, mister. I’ve been out o’ work for six months, an’ am in a drefful state of ;lestertushun.”

Ho handed the paper to the gentleman, who said—“l thought you said you were paralysed in both hands, and couldn’t grasp anything; and yet you can write ?" “Didn’t you sayjyer was deaf?" stammered the who now really did feel paralysed. “Yes; just to find out if you was an imposter, which you are, as I suspected," replied the gentleman. “Well, of all the miserable old frauds, you are the biggest!” exclaimed the beggar. “The' idea of yer saying yer was deaf, an ’trying to impose on a poor feller!” And he shuffled off, sniffing the air with righteous indignation.

AN ABSENT-MINDED CLERGYMAN.

A good many years ago the parish of Durinish, in Skye, had a very 'absentminded minister, and many stories were told of his forgetfulness. The reverend gentleman was a very good swimmer, and very fond of taking long swims. On one occasion he crossed the loch at Dunvegan, leaving his clothes, of course, on the side he started from. After he got across he went on shore, and quite forgot he had come from the opnosite side. A fisherman observing him going up and down along the beach, went and asked him what was wrong, and what he was looking for. ‘ Oh!” said the minister, “I can’t find my clothes.” “Did you not swim aorcfes the looh, sir?” said the man. ,

“Oh! yes; so I did,” was the reply, and. re-entering the water, he proceeded to swim back to where he had left his garments. UNINVITED GUESTS. An old clergyman in America who had a limited income, and an unlimited family, used to like to tell of the strangere who dropped in to be entertained for a week to save hotel bills. The merest shadow of an excuse would suffice for an introduction, and once taken in it was next to impossible to get them out. . . ■

“Once,’’ he said reminiscently, "the last of our company had gone, and no new arrival was expected’. I felt that I could renew acquaintance with my family, and that we might sit down to a meal without strangers being present. Just, then the door bell rung. I opened the door myself, and a strange young lady whom I had never seen before stood on the doorstep with a satchel in her hand. “Aro you the Rev Dr Blank,” she asked. “I told her that I was, and she introduced herself as coming from Akron, Ohio. . ; “I heard you preach in Akron when I was a little girl, and now I have come to spend a few days with your family and hear you preach again.” “I handed her over to my wife and daughters, and she stayed a week, and treated us with the assurance of an old friend. 1 * Another guest he liked to tell about was a fussy woman from hisi native town, who had been waited on by every member of his family in turn and who exacted constant attention. When she wa« leaving after a month's visit, he went to the door to see her off, and politely ventured to hope that her stay with them had been pleasant. “I don’t know as I have anything to complain of,” was the depressing answer.

TRUTH IS MIGHTY. She had invited him to stop to supper, and he was trying to appear easy and unconcerned, while she was on her prettiest behaviour. “Have you used the sugar, John? inquired the mother, in a winning manner. „ . , . , “John don’t want sugar,” ejaculated the young heir, abruptly. “Why not?” inquired the father, curiously.

“Cos he don’t,’’ exclaimed the heir, in an artful manner. “I heard him ted Mary last night ” “You keep still,” interrupted Mary, in an hysterical manner, while, the young man caught his breath in dismay. “I heard him say,” persisted the heir, with dreadful eagerness, “that she was so sweet he shouldn’t never use no sugar any more—an’ then he kissed her, an’ I- said I’d tell.’’ INCREDULOUS. A party from the West of England was being shown over the British Museum, and in one ©f the rooms the keeper pointed out a collection of antique vases which had been recently unearthed. “Do you moan they were dug up i echoed one of the party. “Yes, sir.” “What —out of the ground?” “Undoubtedly.” “What, just as they now are? “Perhaps some little pains have been

taken in cleaning them, but in all other respects they were found just as you see them.*' '

The countryman turned to one of his companions and, with an incredulous shake of the head, whispered—“He may say what he likes, hut ho shall narsr persuade me that they dug up readymade pots out of the ground!” DISCRETION AND VALOUR. Counsel (examining witness) —“You say you saw the shots fired?” Witness—“ Yes, sir.” “How near were you to the scene of the affray?” “When the first shot was fired I was about 10 feet from the shooter.”

“Ten feet. Well, now, tell the Court where you were when the second shot was fired ?" “I didn’t measure the distance.” “Speaking approximately, how fax should you think?” “Well, I should think that it would be about half a mile.”