SOME GOOD STORIES

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4313, 23 March 1901, Page 3 (Supplement)

SOME GOOD STORIES

NOT LIKELi. A railway company wanted to run a new line through a certain farmer’s land against his wish. One day the farmer was not over pleasi ed to receive a visit from the company’s representative, who.described to him the direction in which the proposed line was to go. Said he, pointing with his hand, “We want the line to run straight across there.” “Ay! Oh, ay!” said the farmer, slowly nodding his head and getting aggressh c"Yes; <we want to go right through by way of that barn yonder.” “Oh” do ye, indeed?” warmly exclaimed the son of the soil, by this time quite wroth. “An’ what d’ye taka me for? D'ye reckon I’m going to staaid by and open and shut the barn door every time t 5 engine comes along?” TOO LATE. Six-year-old Tommie was sent by Lis eldest sister to the corner grocer’s to buy a pound of sugar. After the proprietor of the shop had given the little lad his change he engaged Tommie in conversation. “Tommie,” he said, “I understand there is a new member of your family?” “Yes, sir,” replied the boy. 'T ve got a little brother.” “Well, hov/ do you like that, hey?” inquired the grocer. “Don’t like it at all,” said Tommie; “rather have a little sister.” “Then why don’t you change him, Tommy ?” “Well, wb would if w<3 could, but I suppose we can’t. You see we’ve used him four days now.” HARDLY SANE ENOUGH. Two inmates of a Scotch asylum, working in the garden, decided upon an attempt at escape. Watching their opportunity when their keieper was absent, they approached the wall. “Noo, bend doon, Sandy,” sai dthe one “and I’ll dim’ up your shoulder to the top, and then I’ll gae ye a hand up tae-” i Sandy accordingly bent down. Tam, mounting his back, gained the top of the wall, and, dropping over'on the other side, shouted, as he prepared to make off—’ “I’m thinking, Sandy, you’ll be better ta hide anither fortnicht, for you’re no near richt yet.” • i HE KEPT THE WATCH. On one occasion. Jose Maria, a Spanish brigand, robbed an English gentleman and his servant .of their horses and everything they possessed, save their clothes. The Englishman was a pleasant, attractive youth, and submitted to the robbery with groat good! humour. This appealed to Jose Maria, and as they were 40 miles from Seville, whither the traveller was going, he determined that he should not walk that distance, and gave him back his servant’s horse and a doubloon—l 6 dollars — out of the 200 he had taken. The youth thanked the robber warmly, and added that he had still a great favour to ask. “Will you not return me my watch?” he said; “it was the parting gift cf my dear father.” “Is your father alive ?” asked Jose Maria, “and does he love you very much r"’ “Oh, yes,” said the youth, "he lives and loves me.” “Then,” said Jose Maria, “J shall keep the watch, for if you father loves you so dearly, he is Sure to give you another.” '' •.

BREAKING IT GENTLY. ■ Two soft white arms go stealing around his neck, and a fair, peach-like cheek is rubbed carelessly against his own. Faintly whispered, “Dear papa,” and “Darling old boy,” and “Don’t you love your sweet ?’’ reached his startled ears as he vainly attempts to pull himself together and avoid the loving, sugar-coated attack which he well knows is coming. “Well, daughter mine,” he finally asks, “What is it? Not another new dress, surely?” “Oh, noi, papa, darling.” “H—m —m, that’s good. And it can’t be the millindr again.” “No, papa love.” “H—m—m, better still! It isn’t the florist?” “No, you dearest papa.” “H—-ra—m, - Great Scott! You don’t want a trip to Italy, do you ?” “No, you lovely eld dear.” “Well,'what in the name of goodness do you want, my little girl?” ' “Darling papa mine, I don’t want anything—ah, that is—Jack wants' mo.” GOT HIS ANSWER. / The School Board officer was somewhat arrogant find officious. In answer to his peremptory knock the ■ woman of the house came to the door. “Have you any children, my good woman ?” queries the official. “Yes.” , “How many?” “Three;” “Are they at school?” “No.” “None of them?” ■ “None of them.” ■ , “Well, I must report you. Give me your name and address. These were willingly given. “Now, your children’s names; ' Given also. “Their ages.” “Well, so far as I relmember at the moment, Jeannie, the youngest is 23, and was married a fortnight ago.” “But why the mischief,” shouted the crestfallen official, “didn’t you say so at first?” “Because you didn’t ask me.” NO REMEDY. Sir William Telnple related the following anecdote of Dr Rujean the most celebrated man of-the medical profession in his time: ; , A certain great lady came to him in much distress about her daughter, and the physician began the investigation of the case by asking—- “ Why, what ails her ? ' “Alas, doctor,” replied the mother, “I cannot tell; hut she has lost her humour, her looks, her stomach. Her strength consumes every day, so we fear she cannot live.” “Why do you not many her ?’ “Alas, doctor, that -we, would fain do, and have offered her as good a match as ever she could expect.’ “Is there no other that : you think she 1 would be content to marry ?” “Ah, doctor, that is it that troubles us; for there is a young gentleman she loves, but her father and I can never consent.” ■ 1 k “Why, look you, madam,” replied the doctor, gravely, “the case is this; your daughter would marry one man and you would have, her marry another. In all my hooks I .find no remedy for such a disease as this.” ,-r. I “ONE PENNY, PLEASE!” S Sir Robert Ball, the famous astrono- ■ mer and scieince lecturer, tells a good story of an incident that occurred when he was giving a popular,science lecture ind a provincial town, * “I had not,” he

says, “the good fortune to be conducted to the hall, and had to find my way in alone. As I went towards the building i met several people coming away. Said one man to me, ‘Going to the lecture?’ and I replied that I thought I was. ‘Vvell, it’s no use,’ said the man, ‘the whole place is crammed, and a lot of people can’t got in." ‘Ah, well,’ I replied, T know a oack way.’ Tve been to the back door,’ replied the man, ‘and there’s a big crowd there as well.’ However, I made my way with some difficulty to the door, where the zealous .secretary was taking the pennies. He looked at me, and demanded one penny. Putting on my blandest smile, I said, ‘My dear sir, I’m the lecturer.’ He looked sadly but sternly at me, and remarked, ‘Oh, no, you don’t. Two or throe have tried that game on here to-night already. One penny, please!’ ” BACTERIA, A BOARD OF HEALTH AND A BARBER. From the following dialogue it would appear that the Boston. Board of Health’s rules governing the shaving and hairrdressing profession have curious results: —‘‘Ali youse de nex’ gemman P” “I believe I am.” “Jes’ step in de sulphur box one moment, sar, an’ git fummygated accordin’ to de rules of de Boa’d of Helf. Dar, dat’s all right. Lemme jes’ spray you. wid dis official disumfectant. Now, take a scat, sail. Hair severed, sahr”i ‘‘No, I want a shave.” “Yes, sah. One moment. All my razors am takin’ an auty-micTobe bath." “What are you looking at me through that glass for?” “Dat’s a bacilli detector, sah. Prescribed, sah, by do Boa’d of Helf.” “Oh, is it, eh? Perhaps you wouldn’t object to telling’ me what you have been eating?’’ “Suttmgly, sah. I have been eating the disinfected pastilles prescribed by de Boa’d of Helf for de use of all bahbahs.” “Hold on. What’s that infernal odour?” “Dat’s only de fumigatin’ de pahlahs gits once every foah hours. Jes’ glance your eye along de aidge of dat razzer froo de micrumscope, sah” “What of it? ’ Want you to he morally sartin, sah, dat dar ain’t no bacteria straddlin’ de aidge.” ‘‘Go ahead with your job.”