WIT AND HUMOUR.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4307, 16 March 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

Johnny: "I met Dicky Wilkins this morning, mother, and. ho said his father said dad was a ‘walking encyclopaedia' ” "And what did you say, dear!" "I told him his father was a centipede, and then I ran away/ ’ The wife: "Come, dear, wo have no occasion to quarrel in this manner. Of course, I do some very foolish things at times—and so do you. You’ll admit that, will you not?" Husband; "Certainly. I’ll admit that you do That’s what I said all along’' Wife: "W retch! How dare yon 'r J It was in America. The lady was leaning on the arm of an elegant aud wealthy young man, and leading her daughter by the hand, when, suddenly the child cried: “Oh, mamma, look there! Sea that gentleman that’s passing Don’t you know him?" "N-no my child.” "Why, mamma, he was pa last year.” NO MONOPOLY. Chorus: "Hi! Plumber.’’ Plumber: "Gee! They act ns if they bad the only busted pipes in the neighbourhood !" ENCOURAGING. The husband: “You are too set in your own opinions to be a good reasoner." The wife: ‘T don’t see bow yon can say that. I hold myself open to conviction even when I know I am right.” AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK. He: "I never approved of dressing gowns, my dear. Can’t you come down to breakfast in something else?" She: Certainly, darling! It will cost about twenty pounds/’ LIVING HIGH. Aunt Outland (at Italian restaurant, awed): "Ain’t this grand, Joseph'?’’ Outland (impressively): “Yes. Just think of being a millionaire, an’, havin’ a halfcrown dinner with wine like this every day!” A FAIR OFFER. Old Gentleman: "Do you think, sir, that you are able to give my daughter all the luxuries to which she has been accustomed ?” Suitor (a practical man): “Well, you have been paying for her board and clothes and I have been paying for concerts, theatres, operas, and so on. Now, ITI pav for the board and clothes, and if you settle the amusement hills, I don’t think she’ll miss anything/’ _ / NATURALY UPSET. Si Scranton: ‘‘Vans. Lem, I admit my wife’s death did awfully upset me. I’d jest lost my best dawg the week afore, ye know/’ Lem Lehigh: "Uv course, Si; an’ when yer old woman died yer was it> h.V> weak, despondent, mifabul state of mind that any little thing would naturally upset ye!” AN EASY ONE. Little Patsy; "What’s a mongoose, pa?’’ O’Eafferty: "A mon goose, is it. Sure, that’s a gander.” THE WAY OF A MAN. Mrs Crawford: "What does your husband regard as a useful present?" Mrs Crawshaw: ‘'Something he would have to buy me m any case.” The actor: "No other kinds? The people in this town can’t be very fastidious about collars.” The storekeeper: "Well, not so very. Some wear’em, and some don’t.’’ PROVING HIS STATEMENT. Tom: "Flies never annoy a sleeping man/’ Dick: "What nonsense! Why, I ’’ Tom: "The man wakes up and is annoyed." USUALLY THE CASE. "The man whom you hear singing about a home on the Ocean Wave the first night on ship-board." said the observer of events and Tilings, "the next day is apt to look homesick." SHE BROUGHT THE PROOFS. A good many of the Resor’ista 1 wives were at first too proud to apply for relief from the local funds, aud some .have not even yet put in a claim One poor woman, who had postponed the evil day as long as possible, was obliged at last to put in an appearance before the local relief committee. "H’m!” remarked a retired major. rather gruffly, "so you’re Mrs S , are you?” "Yea sir." "Well, you know, we can’t take your bare word for that You must go home and bring back proofs of the truth of your statement" . The applicant went away, and about an hour later she returned and presented to the astonished major the all-important "marriage lines”—and four young children. "I couldn’t bring ’the youngest, sir," she remarked simply. "’E’s got the measles!’’ Her application was successful. NO AGUE LEFT. Boarder: "I hear that there used to be a great deal of fever and ague around here." Host: ''‘Yes; but none here now, not a bit. We’ve all got acclimatised." MIGHT BITE THE ANGELS. A four year old girl, whoso dog had died, said to her Sunday school teacher: "I guess the angels were afraid when they saw him coming up the walk. He’s cross to strangers." OLD SEA DOG. "There are so many barbs on the sea,” remarked the girl who was leaning over the rail. "Perhaps they come from the ocean greyhounds/' ventured her tall companion. THE BOY AND THE PROFESSOR. "I was mimicking Professor Bora yesterday, and he caught me." "What did he say?" "Told me to stop making a fool of myself.” ONE OF THE V.M.E. Carrie; "But if you only knew what a hero he has been! He has courted deaih in a hundred shapes.” Edith: "What a flirt! But, ihon, I suppose that does make him interesting.” FEMININE SAGA OFT Y. Mother: ‘“Do you think that young Perkins has any'intention whatever of marrying you?" . Daughter: “Not the least in tlie worm, mamma! That is why I feel so sum or getting him.” CAUGHT HIM AT WORK. Judge Scarem: "What is your trader’ Prisoner (who was- caught in a gamming house raid): "I am a locksmith." . Judge Scarem: "What were you doing in there when the police entered?" Prisoner: "I was making a bolt for tue dot*."