WIT AND HUMOR.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4301, 9 March 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOR.

1 AN HOTEL MANAGER'S STORY. An amusing incident occurred recently at. one of the large new London hotels. One of the chambermaids, Bridget,Maloney, in writing to her friends used the, hotel letter paper. Imagine thosurprise of the Manager on finding a letter by ro turn addressed—“ Bridget Maloney, Hotel—all modern improvements—life. Tariff on application, terms moderate, 3,ondon, England.’’ It was evident Bridget's Irish friend was determined the letter should not miscarry for want of full directions. NEW USE FOR A PHONOGRAPH. “Woman,” he said, wearily, “has no idea of economy of labour. Of course, sho lias a hard time, in many ways, but it’s largely her own fault. She lilies to work.” “Why do you say that?” she demanded. “Wiiy, just by way of illustration, there's that curtain lecture you have given me every lodge night for over a year. Same old lecture, delivered in the same old way, and still you fail to take advantage of modern inventions. Just think what a saving it would be ff you used tho phonograph!” A GIRL FROM AIM ERIC A. Mr Justin ITuutly McCarthy was once showing a young American married lady over, the Houses of Parliament. In escorting her through tho library of the Commons he casually mentioned, as a more or loss interesting fact, that it was against tho rules' for a woman to sit down there. “Is that really a law of tho place ?” asked tho fair American, innocently. “That is so,” answered tho M.P., gravely. “Then,” said his visitor, calmly but determinedly, “you just see mo break it,” and, drawing up a. chair, sho sab resolutely down at tho table. SARAH, DUCHESS OF MARL. BOROUGH. Lord Mansfield owed much of his promotion to the favour of Sarah, the first Duchess of Marlborough. That exalted lady called upon, him on one occasion, and found him out. After waiting some time sho loft without seeing him. Mans- ' field, returning later, asked his clerk, who was no# to his situation, who his visitor had been. “I do not know, sir,” said his clerk, “she. did not leave her name. But I think she must he a great lady, sho swore so dreadfully.” A TALK WITH A MANDARIN. Etiquette requires that in Chinese conversation each should compliment tho other and everybody belonging to him in tho most laudatory style, and depreciate himself, with all appertaining u< him, to the lowest possible point. Tho following is no exaggeration, though nob the precise words :—• “What is your honourable, name?” “My insignificant appellation ’ is Wrong.” “Where is your magnificent palace ?” “My contemptible hut is at Suchan.” “How many are your illustrious children?” “My vile, worthless brats are five.” “How is tho health of your distinguish, ed spquse?” “My mean, good-for-nothing old woman is well.” ' ■ UNDER CROSS-EXAMINATION. A wildly turbulent peasant was onco a witness in a trial before Chief Baron O’Grady. The counsel, after pestering him for some time, put a question to him which reflected on tho. witness’s character. • i ■ “If ye ax me that again I'll give yo a kick in the face!” was tho answer. The counsel appealed to the Court, stating that an answer was necessary to Iris client’s case, ending up with the ' query — “What would your Lordship advise hie to do?” . ■ “If you are resolved to repeat the question,” replied the Chief Banon, gravely, • “T should advise-you to move a little from- the witness.” / • AT A DINNER PARTY. One day tho grandmother, of the writer was entertaining some guests in her house in G k. Tho manservant was an old and privileged member cf the household, and was waiting table. Mrs T. was carving a fowl, and on placing a portion on a plate which sho considered amide, was surprised to find tho old man still waiting hoi cling the plate as if for more. She motioned to him take it to one of the guests, when the old man bent down, and in a loud whisper said: “Mind, mem, it's Mr John Campbell, and he’s got an awfu’ appetite!” QUEER STORY Ob’ A SERVANT GIRL. “My dear,” Said Mrs Glen Iris to her . husband at breakfast, “the servant lias gone again. Must have flitted in the night. I can’t make it out.” “It is curious,” replied Mr Glen Iris. - “This is the fifth that has disappeared mysteriously in a fortnight. Is anytnifig wrong >vith the house? Is it haunted? Is her room damp? Wo had better make a voyage of discoverey, as we cannot go on like this.” After breakfast the kitchen was in- ; spected carefully, but nothing found to j account for the suddenness of flight by j tho various domestics. Then the bedroom was gone through, | and everything seemed all right, and ■ then Mrs Glen Iris happened to open j the cupboard, and there was the skelei ton that had frightened the domestics I away. It was a square piece of card- | board on which was written—“ Don’t stop j here;: the missus is a beast.” A VISIT OF CONDOLENCE. Sympathetic Plain Friend (to inconsolable young widow): The last time I met your dear husband ho stopped and spake to me with such a sunny greeting 1 that X was happier for it all day long, j Young Widow (still oblivious to teveryi thing except her loss); Yes, that was 1 just like dear David, _ There was no wo- | man so humble or stupid, or unaterac. j tive or dull, but that he could find sornei thing pleasant to say to her, and would* i take pains to say it. : ~