DOOLEY ON THE WAR

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4289, 23 February 1901, Page 8 (Supplement)

DOOLEY ON THE WAR

A CL 10VELI WRITERS WIT. CASUAL OBSERVATIONS. Mr E. P. Dunne, in his newly-publish-ed book, “Mr Dooley’s Philosophy,” deals incidentally with tho South African U ar and our misfortunes and blunders therein, with a humorous candour that is always shrewd aud occasionally biting, lint (remarks "llix,” in tho “Evening Times”) there is no reason for a satirist treating a foreign country, as Britain in to Mr Dooley, tho Chicago bar-tender, with more consideration and fondernoss limn he has shown in tho past towards "Mack” and Shaffer, Dewey and Miles, “Xidd.y Eosenfelt” and “Loot Hobson” of tho Merrimao. Mr Dooley goes straight to the point in explaining to his inquiring, hut ill-informed, friend Hinnissy why Britain went to wav with tho Transvaal. When the English hoard that there was gold there, they came in groat hordes, “sturdy Anglo-Saxous fr’m Saxony, th’ Einsterms an’ Heidlebacks an’ Werners, an’ whin they took out goold enough so’s they needed vayercatiou they wanted to vote. ‘An’,’ says JOE CHAMBERLAIN, he says, ‘Be hivins, they shall vote,’ he says. ‘ls it.’ lie says, ‘possible that at this stage iv th’ world’s progress,’ bo says, ‘an English giutlcmau shud be denied,’ lie says, ‘th’ right to dhrop off a thrain aimywhero iu th’ civilised wurruld an’ east his iuinceryal vote?” Mr Kruger’s reply hits him off quite accurately. “ ‘All right,’ he says, ‘l’ll give thorn, frauclusc|’ ho says. ‘Whin?’ says Joe Chamberlain. ‘ln mo will,’ says Kruger, ‘aii I hope to live to he a hundherd if I keep on smoking before bi’oakfast,’ he .says. ‘Whin I die,’ be says, ‘l’ll bequeath to mo Linds, the English, or .such of thorn as was hern before I come, tho inalienable an’ sacred right to demand fr’m me sitccNsnr th’ privilege iv dietin' an alderman,’ he says. . . . ITn not more than half crazy,’ ho says, ‘an auny time yo find mo givin’ annywan a chanst to vote me into the job of drivin’ .a mule, an’ put in an English prisidinfc iv this raypublic. yo may conclude that your Undo Paul needs a. guarjeen,’ ho says.” “MISTER KRUGER/’ Only in one respect has Mr Dooley a low oj,inion of Mr Krugov’s intelligence. What ho should have done, was to give the British the Totes, but do The counting of them himself. It is for the War : Expert that Mr Dooley reserves his finest scorn. A man becomes a War Expert quite simply. ,T lf ye can think i- v annywan whoso face, is onfamiliar to ye aid yo don’t 1 raymim her his name, an’ ho’s got a. job on a paper yo didn’t know was published, lie’s a war export. He goes to tho office. Says the editor iv tho paper, T don’t know ye. Ye must bo a war expert.’ ‘I am,’ says the hiad. ‘Was ye Tver in a war?’ says the editor. ‘l’ve been in nathin’ else,’ says the laad. ‘Darin’ the Spanish-Amoricm "War I held a good job as Dhramatic Critic in Dedham, Matachoosets,’ be says. ‘Whin the bullets flew thickest in th’ Soodan I was spoortin’ editor iv th’ “Christian Advocate,” he says.’ With this equipment it is not remarkable that tho War Expert should follow the campaign with acute intelligence, and advise the Generals with a rich resourcefulness.

“It is manifest fr’m the despatches tellin’ that Gin’ral Buller has crest the Tugela River that Gin’ral Buller has crost the Tugela River. This we r’read in spite of the ciusor. The question is which side he has crost to. On Friday ho was on (bo north side in the mornin’ and on the south side at night, an’ in the river at noon. We heerd nowthin’ Sundah mornin’. The presumption is that there was nawthin’ to hear. Therefore it is easy to imagine Gin’ral Buller, fmclin’ bis position on the north side untenable and his position on the south side onbearahle, is thransportin’ his troops on rafts up the river an’ is now engagin’ the enemy between Spitzozone and Rot•tenfintein, two immensely strong noinS: ._ What I wud. do if I was Buller, which thank Hiven I’m not, would he to move my army in half-an-hour over the high but aisilv accessible mountains to the right of Crounjoy’s forces, an’ fakin' off me shoes so he cuddn’t hear them squeak, creep up behind the Dutch an’ lam their heads off. After this stroke ‘twd be easv to get the forces iv Frinch, Gatacre, Methoon, and Winston Churchill together some affernoon, invite the initny to a band concert, surround and massacree them. This adroit move end be ixicntecl if Roberts wnd only make use of the ixicii. b’nt ’bus service between Hokesmith and Mikesmith.” THE CHINESE WAR. Air Dooley is equally happy in dealing with the Chinese Situation, and parodies the Kaiser’s address to bis troops witU perfect fairness. « ‘Whin v» get among the Chinee.’ he says, ‘raymimher that ye nr-re the vanguard iv Chri.sty’anity.’ he says, ‘an’ stick ver! baynit through ivry hated iiifidel ye see,’'

he havs.” Mr Dooley is not without hope tliafc in the end the impact of ‘VVes-tc-m Civilisation upon tho East may re--:eli in the Chinese civilising the Ger!„an. Particularly funny is the ilc-.scr.p----.-.,n of the manner in which the Chinese Amha-'-ador to Tv’.-ishington dealt out his ir\ steriouHy acquired misinformation about what was going on in Bekm during the .sjcoo of the Legations. Mu on tho American Secretary oi 81 ate.

“■Well. 1 savs In. with a happy smile. 0)0 ;,]| riciit.’ ‘V/hat’s all right'’ says the sieve!:v iv stale. ‘Tvrything.’ says Woo. ‘I have ju-l found a letter sewed in shirt from me friend Lie. Much. She vieor’v iv Binn'iang. It k dated the fourth lionr iv the lim'd day iv tlie : ip 'i (o' groan eiiecsc moon.’ he says, ‘ tVhar, dnv°is that ?’ says- the sierefy iv pa,., tft’.g Choosdiih, the fourth of ijiilv; MTiiMah. the eighth of October, ami Tliursdah. tlm sivintcenHi iv March,’ savs. ‘Pathrieh’s day?' asks the sterelv iv state. ‘Thrne fr ye/ says Woo." ‘What veer?’ says Javrn Hay. •The veer iv the big wind/ says Woo. ‘Tfere’s Um letter/ he savs. T know it’s genonine, haaaiiso it .- . an old dress oatsiiern used by the impress. It. says (Wear Woo, care iv liimsilf, aniiywb.v . T)Var Woo. h rot her iv the moon, uncle iv the sun and room-mate iv the •.tars. Y„urs iv Hie eight day iv the prone.rt-y moon received out iv tuc air ye-tordah afternoon or to-morrow. Na-.vtlim’ _doing. Pekin as quite as the grave. _ tier mah'siv the impress is sulferin’ slight! v fr’iii death bv poison, but is still able to do the cookin' f’r Hie Eooshian ambassador /hat. sa\s Moo. f ;s ono wuy iv rouclm it. 11 on cl rl/nvn it moans Hint the nrmross lias boon mo a I will road it on mo licad whin I got homo, whoro T can pin down mo ovor.slvirc: fldn I’ll road it in a IcnVkiu 1 glass; thni V\\ saw it into strips aid run it through a wringer. a,n J lavo if stand in a tuh fd hhio. an 1 whin pre p evl v st / -.r c! io d I'M find out what it savs. But before T f ro.’ he says, 'nrojiK-ing three thimbles, ‘I’M hot vo eight milfoil yens, or 3 dollars 85 cents’iv yonr money, that yo can’t pick out the shell this here pc.i is under.’ ”

Tim horse-sense of Casual Observations

Hie end of the book mar he sampled in the saving that “An autocrat’s a ruler that, does what the, people wants air lakes tho hlnme iv it. A constitootional ixientive, ITinrussv; is a ruler that does as he dam pleases an’ blames the pco-