WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4289, 23 February 1901, Page 1 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Shifting a Burden. —“'Kirby Skaggs invited a lot of us to dine with him. Then lie gave as table favours the hats lie won on election bets.”

Husband (snarling)—“You married mo for belter or worse, didn’t you;'” Wife (hesitatingly)—“Yes, but I supnosed 1 would have some variety.” Uncle Josh —“Tho detectives say tney’il bring the crime home to tho criminal.” Undo Silas—“l reckon they won’t find him at home.”—“Puck.”

Lucy—“ Clara’s honeymoon was completely spoiled.'’ Alice —“Plow?” Lucy —"The paper's containing the account of the wedding did not reach her.” Little Son (suffering from toothache) —“Father, did you over have a tooth pulled out?” Father (encouragingly)— ‘‘Hundreds of ’em, my buy; hundreds of ’em.”

"VoI ? You got sMuck two t'ousand toilers t Dot nan enough to hurt any vim’s reelings I” “Oh, 1 don’t care nodingy about mine reelings—it’s der money i”

The Parent-—“My boy/ do you want mo to tell you wiiat happens to boys who tell lies?” Tho boy—“ Yes, pop, but, golly! can you remember tack that far?” ,

Mr Fijjit—“Say, that’s the rottencst tobacco I ever smoked!” Mrs Fijjit; “U, George, you're smoking up my fancy silk. 1 put it in your tobacco jar for safe-keeping.” Pier Method; —Mistress—“Bridget, I hope you don't light the fire witii kerosene?” Cook—“Divil a bit, mum! Oi wots it down wid kerosene an’ loights it wid a match.”—“Judge.’’ Sunday-school Teacher—“ And; where did he live?” Scholar —“In the desert." Teacher—“ Quite right! And what do we call people who lire in tho desert ?'" Scholar—“ Deserters.”

Translated—Uncle Josh (reading paper)—“An’ what do they mean by savin’ ‘The difference is purely academic?” Uncle Hira-m—“They mean that it don’t amount to shucks.”—“Buck.”

Father—“l think I’ve scared Bobby out of smoking cigarettes.” Mother—• Vi hat did you say ?” Father—“l told him no boy seven years old who used tobacco would ever grow big enough to be a policeman.”

Bridget—“ Sure, phwy do thim Oitalyons bo makiu’ ready to calibrate Columbus?” Patrick—“lt’s histry yo shad study, Biddy. Columbus landed in th’ West Indies and discovered banannies.” Mrs Waggles—“lf women had tho suffrage, polities would bo purer. Ho yon think they would soli their votes for two dollars?” Waggles—“No, my dear. They'd probably do it for one dollar and ninety-nine cents.”—“Judge.” School Teacher (to boy at head of class, the lesson being philosophy)—“How many kinds of force are there?” Boy- “ Three, sir.” Teacher—'“Name them.” Boy—“ Bodily force, mental force, and tho police force.” Tommy—“l'm glad that I don't live out in North Dakota. Arthur—“ Why Tommy—“l have heard that they have thrashing machines out there.” Papa—“ Here! I told you never to go near that bookcase without my permission.” Willie—“l jest want to look at tiie history' of the. United States.” Papa.—“ What for?” Willie—“ This paper says the Chicago* was champeens cf tho League in 1887, and I don’t, believe it.”

An Appeal for Adjustment.—Freddy —-“Papa, mamma promised me a ’quarter if I would have my tooth pulled.” Papa—“ Well, Freddy, you got it, didn’t yon?” Freddy—“No, papa, I was thinking ’bout the quarter an’ didn’t make much fuss, an’ so she only gimme a dime.”—"Puck.”

“I have heard bpth sides of the story,” said Miss Cayenne, “and they were wise to break off the engagement. They found their ideas conks not harmonise. Yes. Each said tho other insisted on devoting tho entire time to useless and frivolous things. She wanted to talk about golf, and he wouldn’t talk about anything except football.” She—“To.livo with you, dear George, on a desert island —-to bp always near von—that would be my great joy henceforth.” He—“ Yon dear girl. And that is really all yon ask for?” She—“ Yes. If there is one other thing I should like when we’re married,, it is that you will taka a box at the opera for the season -Will you, George, dear?”

Tho chairman of an Irish election meeting was vexed at tho large number of questions asked. The moment the candidate sat down he sprang- to his feet and inquired, “Has omiy gintleman a questhiou to ask?” A little man who had caused all the trouble shuffled up to the platform. At the top he _ was ic-t by the chairman, who dealt him a u»moudous blow, felling him to the floor. “Now',” ho shouted, “has onny other gintleman a quosthion to ask?”