SOME GOOD STORIES.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4259, 19 January 1901, Page 3 (Supplement)

SOME GOOD STORIES.

SO ENCOURAGING. The performance of “Hamlet” was dragging itself slowly along. The time had come for the appearance of the ghost. There was a slight delay, owing to the tardiness of the ghost in responding to its cue. The profound stillness that followed was broken by a loud voice in the front row of the balcony—“Mamma, there are thirty-seven men down there -with round white spots on top of their heads.” And no stage ghost ever made its appearance under more discouraging auspices than the armour-clad phantom that came stalking upon the boards at this moment.

KNEW HOW IT WAS. A well-known politician had an appointment to deliver a speech, and was obliged to drive a long distance into the country. When he reached the farmhouse where he was to have dinner he felt very unwell. His companion had a ravenous appetite. “Mr H ” said the housewife, with some indignation, “I see you are not eating much. I know the dinner isn’t first-class, but it is the best I could get up. I’m sorry you don’t appreciate the ■dinner.”

“Illy good woman.- the dinner is perfect, but lam ill. In addition to that, I havo to make a speech immediately, and I can’t speak well after eating free, ly.”

“Yes,” responded the woman with spirit, “I know how it is; an empty waggon makes the loudest noise.” The politician was silent. The other man ate ravenously.

WHEN ROBBED IN CHINA. The following anecdotes by a Scottish medical missionary who has traversed the whole of North China need no comment, They graphically illustrate Chinese ways. “While we were visiting a Chinese fair,” said the gentleman referred to,” one of our party had a box of clothing and other articles stolen from the back of the cart in which he was travelling. On hearing- of the theft, I at once went, with some other members of our party, to the official in icharge of the_ fair grounds and threatened: to complain to the mandarins unless the stolen goods were at once recovered, “He tried to put us off, hut we persisted. and half an hour afterwards the lost luggage was restored with not a single article missing. “On another occasion a friend of mine lost a case of jewellery, and was in despair,' fearing the gold would be melted down and the jewels scattered. But the Chinese police recovered the valuable shortly afterwards quite intact. ‘The explanation is simple. The thieves and the mardarins are in league. All stolen goods are preserved untouched for a dertain time in case any vigorous attempts are made to recover them. If, however!, the mandarin can stifle or evade the hue and cry after the thieves, then the booty is sold and he shares in the proceeds; but if the chase is too hot the goods are restored uninjured, end the owner is generally too pleased to get his possessions back to make further trouble.”

SO NARROW-MINDED! The late Lord Bussell of Killpwen was a great lawyer and a great orator, but he had his little failings nevertheless, and one of these failings was that it absolutely upset him when anybody presumed to differ from him. . On one occasion, in talking to Mr Gully, , afterwards the Speaker, Sir Charles Russell as he then was, said—“l never could have imagined that Mr -—was so narrow-minded!” “Narrow-minded!” replied Mr Gully in surprise. ' “Not a bit of it; he is a most liberal-minded man.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” somewhat petulantly answered Sir Charles Russell, “Why, this morning he differed from me twice in half an hour!”

PREFERRED MORE POLITICS. A certain brilliant reporter has a strong objection to the note-book held so dear by most of Ins associates. He wears large white cuffs, and on these he jots down such events as appeal to hum with suggestions for his subsequent articles. At first his laundress was much puzzled by these hieroglyphics, but as time went on she became able to to w read them, and apparently derived much benefit and pleasure therefrom. One day the young man received with his laundered garments a slip of paper on which were written, also in pencil, the following enigmatical words: “Your last washing was very interesting, but we should be glad to have you give us more political news.” An interview with the daughter of the laundress when she brought back the next bundle resulted in a mutual understanding, bui it is hot stated that the reporter complied with thevrequest.

QUITE READY. Mr James Russell Lowell, the famous American, studied law and took an office, but never had a case at court. The Rev. Edward Everett - Hale sometimes tells, however, the story of Lowell’s first client. The poet had laid aside his _ law-book for the nonce and was polishing off a sonnet, when the door opened and a strange man appeared, with a look of doubt or trouble in his eyes. Lowell hastily hid the sonnet in a pocket, sprang up with all the alacrity of courtesy he could command, offered a chair to the visitor, took his hat and put it on the table with as much fever, ence as if it were a retainer, drew up a chair opposite,* pulled out a brand-new note-book, and waving his pencil in a soft, inviting, confidential way, began—- “ Well, sir I am all ready to take notes of your case. Please tell me everything, even the most trivial circumstance.”

The stranger stared at him with open month for a minute, then grinned most amicably, as- he answered—

‘Tm the man that painted your signboard on the door, sir, come to get my little bill.”

THEIR LITTLE MISTAKES. Concerning the craze for learning the old Celtic languages which has sprung up of late years amongst the studious members of the Scottish, Irish and Welsh communities, the following anecdotes are told:— > A young Scottish lady who had succeeded in mastering Gaelic to her own satisfaction, ashed her minister whether she might nob venture to read the Bible te a bedridden old Highland woman in the neighbourhood. The min. ister cheerfully assented. “Then you think,” said the aspirant, “that my Gaelic will be intelligible to her?”

“Well, no,” was the reply ; “but the mistakes you make will amuse the old lady and put her in good spirits!” Another and more ambitious Gaclio student read the Commandments, in Gaelic at a service, and was much disturbed to notice the astonishment on the faces of the Highland congregation. On inquiry he found that he had committed the trifling mistake of leaving out the word “not” in every Commandment in which it appears. AN ENCOUNTER WITH “BOBS,” Lord Roberts once had an unlucky ad. venture with the servant of a gentleman in Ireland to whom he paid a surprise visit. While guests were at the house no person was allowed within the grounds, which were watched rigidly by a brawny Irish fellow about six feet high. The morning after he arrived Lord Roberts slipped out unseen, dressed in a very easy fashion, with the intention of having a look over the grounds. He had not proceeded far when he was pounced on by a big fellow, who demanded : “Where wid he be goin’?” “Do you know whom you are addressing?” “Addressin’ or not addressin’, out Jo go/ - “Why, I’m Roberts, stay!” “Shure, if ye take that gintlcman’s name in vain I’ll chuck ye over the bridge yonder.” Seeing that it was useless Lord Roberts returned, but he was resolved to havo the joke out,' so, telling his experience to his host, thexceper was brought before them. The poor fellow immediately saw liis mistake and craved their pardon, which was soon granted, and he departed richer than when he went in. THUS THE BOXERS CONVERSE. Only those who have lived in China can realise how great a part mystery and secretiveness play in Chinese life. Nearly every Chinaman (so a former resident in Tientsin avers) belongs to a secret society, with its own rites, signs and pass-words. The Boxers, indeed, have a complete language of signs, by which they can converse without utter, ing a syllable. Two Boxers recognising each other in a public place will sometimes stand gazing at nothing in particular and each apparently quite unconscious of the existence of the other.

Watching them closely, you may oh. serve them toying with their pig-tails, twitching at their sleeves and buttoning or unbuttoning their jackets. Very fidgetty fellows you will think them, unless you know enough to' realise the fact that all these seemingly meaningless movements form part of a secret code, and that the two innocent-looking Celestials are holding an animated conversation boding no good to the “foreign devils.”

If they were taking a meal together and unshed to carry on a private conversation they would still use a sign- language’, but it would take the form of certain arrangements of the plates, dishes and cups, effected so quickly arid ingeniously that none but the initiated would know what was going on.

GOOD STORIES LIVE LONG. A capital story is worth repeating, and a goot jest has a marvellously long life. It lingers on like a frog in geological strata; centuries are poworless to kill it. We all know the story of the Irishman, who, looking over a gentleman’s shoulder while the latter was writing a letter, suddenly read the words. ‘T have much more to say, but an impudent fellow is reading all I write.” Whereupon the Irishman cried out, “Indeed, sorr, I haven’t read a word!” : This yam can be traced back for ages. Finally we discover it in a book by one Jami. a Persian.poet who lived four hun. dred years ago. The story has flourished while cathedrals have crumbled. ASLEEP ON THE MARCH. A writer who was in the last Soudan campaign with General Kitchener, tolls of seeing an adjutant and a senior major riding side by side on long marches, so that if they fell asleep they could lean on. each other and not fall from their saddles. He repeats some queer stories that were told him, without saying that they are true. But if truth is stranger than fiction, one of them at least is strange enough to he true. .It is about a transport master, who rode in the rear of his train of camels. He had been very busy, and had slept little for a week. The day was hot, and for comfort he had removed his helmet and belt. ‘

. Then he fell asleep. Pretty soon the jolting of his camel unseated him, and he rolled to the soft ground unhurt. In fact, he Was not i even awakened. Wheii at last he did wake, the caravan was out of sight, and he could not tell how long he had been sleeping. ISiere he was. the master of that colmun of transport camels, alone in the desert, unarmed, and with not even a covering for his head.

As nothing was to be gained by staying where he was. he started to follow the trail, and had hurried along for some time before he noticed by the sun that he had started back, instead of ahead, on the trail of the camels. He turned, and fortunately a camel and driver soon met him. They had been sent back from the caravan, not to search for him, but to look for some article that had been lost by the way.

VERY ACCOMMODATING. The head of one of the most famous Scottish publishing houses started life ps a bookseller, and his success in that direction enabled him to found the enterprising firm now known by his name. Whilst engaged in his bookselling business he had some curious experiences, which he was very fond of relating. One day, not long after his shop was opened, he was standing behind his counter, in readiness to welcome all customers, when a very suspioious-look- ' ing fellow, whom he had observed passing to and fro before the window, cau. I tiously peeped through the doorway. ! Finding the place clear, the man advanc- ' eu stealthily into the shop, and leaning ' over the counter, whispered into the booksellers’s ear..

“I tell ye, sir,” said Ee, “I’ve got somethin' that wull suit ye right weel.”

“But what is it ?” asked the bookseller.

“Weel,” was the scarcely audible reply, “I’ve just got some fine smuggled whisky which, as a speshul favour. I can let ya have at a great bargain. I've got a bottle on me that ye can try.” “No, no,” said the other wrathfully. as he caught sight of a black bottle neck protruding from one of the man’s pockets. “I want nothing of the kind. Go away at once.” But the man, evidently not believing in the sincerity of this righteous out. burst, leaned over-ithe counter again, and whispered—“Fll tak’ biblos for it.”