IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXVII, Issue 3442, 25 May 1898, Page 2 (Supplement)

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

“Just throw me halt a dozen of the biggest trout,” said the citizen to the fish dealer.

“Throw them?" queried the dealer. “ Yes, and then I’ll go home and tell my wife that I caught ’em. I may be a poor fisherman but I’m no liar."

Lady (to Jog fancier): “ What kind of dogs have you got for sale ? " Dog Fancier: “ Scotch terriers, Chinese pugs, French poodles, and English setters." Lady: “ Have you any of those oconn greyhounds shat I have read about ? *

“ I hoar that the crowd assailed you when you appeared at the Plunkville Opera House.” “False, my boy, false,” replied the eminent tragedian, Mr Barnes Termer; “ all false. There was no crowd."

“ Man’s' religion," says Uncle Moses, “ shouldn’t bo worn like a cloak —all on de outside. It orter be mo’ like a porous plaster. Da world may not see it, but de man knows it’s dar, an’ his family knows it’s dar, an’ a-doin’ of him good.”

“Young man," said the Senator to the reporter, “ you have done me irreparable harm.” “ What have I done ?" asked the bewildered reporter. “ I goo in largely on a temperance platform, as you may recollect." “ Yes, sir." “ And you speak of me in this morning’s paper as ‘drinking my coffee with gusto.’ It will take me more than a life-time to get it out of the head of my constituents that gusto isn’t some Hud of alcoholic beverage.”

Some gentleman has evidentfy met a charmer indeed, for an “agony" advortisment in a contemporary concludes, “ Remember No. 16 white shoes.” The request can hardly be needed, for no one who has even seen a pair of No. 16 white shoes with feet inside is likely to forget the spectacle in a hurry. It would be a lively beetle, as they say in America, in a forty-acre field that escaped when that lady took a oountry walk.

The late Catholic Bishop of Newfound land had a piano of which he desired to dispose, and which a Protestant doctor desired to purchase. Considerable chaff ensued before the bargain was struck, at a price which the Bishop declared very low. The only vehicle in the town which could accomodate the piano was the hearse, and in this it was driven to the doctor’s door.

The doctor came to the Bishop in high dudgeon. “ Why on earth,” ha asked, " did you send my piano home on a hearse 2" The Bishop’s eyes twinkled as he answered: “ Why ? Oh, because it was a dead bargain."

To suit the Klondyke craze: — “ We’ve got 1 Hamlet ’ fixed up so it will create a furore this season."

“ What have you done to it 'I “ “In the gravediggers’ scene the old fellow shovelling in the hole is to throw out gold nuggets as big as cocoanuts."

Here is a conundrum for you. What is it that is always drunk, yet never intoxicated ?—A toast.

Guest (in a cheap restaurant); “ Hern waiter, this meal is simply vile. I won’t pay for it. Where’s the proprietor ? " Waiter: “ He’s out at lunch, sir."

Sister Edie: “ Well, Bertie, are you getting some marks at school ? '• Brother Bertie: “ Yes, only I can’t show ’em to you."

A London curate the other day received an astonishing answer to an enquiry after a parishioner’s health. “ Well, air," said the parishioner, “ sometimes I feels anyhow; sometimes I feels nohow; and there be times when I feels as stiff as a himmage."

Mrs Dix: “I was ashamed of you, Ephraim, to see you dust the chair you sat on at Mrs Henshaw’s. I saw her little boy watching you.” Dix: I saw him, too. I’m too old a fish to be caught on a bent pin."

Little Girl: “I’m afraid to go to sleep in the dark."

Mamma: “Nonsense, dear; remember that the little angels are with you." Little Girl (ten miuntes later): “ I can’t go to sleep, mamma; one of the little angels is bitting me.”

Grump : “ One false step in life may lead to irreparable disaster.” Spooner: “ I know that well. I loved a girl who thought me a hero until I fell down a coalhole in lifting my hat to her."

A full-bearded grandfather, on the strand, Bray, recently had his beard shaved off, showing a clean face for the first time for a number of years. At the dinner table bis three-year-old granddaughter noticed it, gazsl long with won dering eyes, and finally ejaculated—- “ Grandfather, whose head have you got on ? ”