WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1748, 6 September 1905, Page 1

WIT AND HUMOUR

Minister’s Wife—“ Will you help mo, dear, to put down .the drawing-room carpet?” Minister (vexatiously)—“Well, I suppose I shall have to,” Minister’s Wife—“ And don’t forget, dear John, while you are doing it, that you are a minister of the Gospel.”

He—“ Tell me, "my sweet, are you superstitious ?” She—“ What a strange question! Why do you want to knew?” He—“ Answer me first.” She—“ Why, I am not the least superstitious.” He—- “ Then I don’t mind telling you—you are my thirteenth sweetheart.”

Careful Youth—“Do you know that chocolates are frightfully bad for the digestion ? Why, I was reading in the paper to-night about a girl that died of easing too many.” His Fair Companion (flippantly)—“Well, if that girl had been a friend of yours, she would have been living yet!”

“ —And so ad Infinitum.”—Old I/ady (sympathetically)— “Why, you are crying, my little man?” Six-Year-Old—-“Boo-oo! Pat Murphy licked me, and father licked me ’cos I let Pat Murphy lick me, and Pat Murphy licked' me again ’cos I told father, and now father’ll lick me again ’cos Pat Murphy licked 800-oo!”

Parent—“ Did you have a nice time in the park?” Boy—“ Yes.” * Father—- “ What did you do?” Boy—“Oh, lot® of things. Run on the grass, an’ made faces at the pleeeemen, an’ dodged the horses, an’ threw stones at the ‘Keep off the grass’ notices, an’ everything.”

They were seated in the dim light of a conservatory. She was playing with her fan, and he was murmuring soft speeches in her ear. Suddenly he leaned forward, and impressed a kiss on her soft cheek. “Oh, Charlie,” she cried, “how you frightened me.” Then, after few minutes, she said: “Frighten me again, Charlie.”

Mrs Mudge—“l do admire the women you draw, Mr Penink. They’re so beautiful and so refined. Tell me, who is your model?” Penink—“Oh, my wife always sit® for me.” Mrs Mudge (with great surprise)—“You don’t say so! Well, I think you’re one of the cleverest men I know.”

They were standing at the front gate. “Won’t you come into the’parlour and sit a little while, George, dear?” “No; I think not,” replied George hesitatingly. “I wish you would,” the girl went on, “it’s awfully lonesome. Mother has gone out and father is upstairs growling with rheumatism in the legs.” “Both legs?” asked George. “YeS, both legs.” He -went in.

The first time a man speaks in public he probably suffers more agony in a shorter space of time than at any part of his career. A youth felt the truth of this very keenly one day, when he found himself facing an audience of free and independent electors at a County Council election. He had prepared a very perfervid oration in support of his father’s candidature; but for the first few moments he could do nothing but gasp. Then, in response to an encouraging cheer, he began to speak. “Mr —’Chairman,” he stammered, “when; —• when I left home this morning only two people on this earth—my father and myself—knew what I was going to say; but now—now —well, now, only father knows.”

A Scotsman had married for the second time. His new mate was sentimental and a little morbid. She could not resist asking her husband now and then if he loved her better than he had loved her predecessor. She would say—“Do I more than fill Jean’s place in your hert. Jock?” “Are ye sure ye’re noi regrettin” Jean, laddie?” “Jock, do ye lo’e me better nor her?” The man bore several! of these examinations patiently. Then he ended them once for all with a gruff—“Tak’ ma word for it, Betty, if Jean was livin’ ye- wadna be here.”

Weary cyclist—“ How far is it to the nearest inn ?” The Native—“lt’s about ten miles as the crow flies.” Weary Cyclist—“ But if the crow rides a bicycle, how far is it? ,;