FROM VARIOUS SOURCES

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1732, 10 May 1905, Page 2

FROM VARIOUS SOURCES

COULD NOT AFFORD IT.

A working man residing in a large town in the North of England called on th« headmaster of the local school recently and said that he would take it as a personal favour if they would teach his boy “more lamin’ an’ less fteknities’ '”l—whatever -the latter might be The schoolmaster endeavoured to explain the advantages of the technical education, but with very little success. “If the lad mun have ‘teknites,’ ” said the visitor, “mak him into a cobbler or a musician, or summat o’ that sort. For /goodness” sake keep him out o’ the carpenter business!” “Your sen,” continued the master, “appears to have a natural bent in the direction of wood-turning, and —” “Aw knaws that,”' interrupted the other, “an’ Aw jest can’t afford it. He comes ’ome t’ other night after one o’ them wood-turning’ lessons, an’ he turns the legs o’ my armchair into cricketstumps, an’ he’ll be makin’ a rabbithutch oot o’ the chest o’ drawers if he ain’t stopped. Aw jest can’t afford it, that ’s all!”

HE WAS WRONG.

In a northern town there is a wealthy man who gives freely to certain charitable objects, but in other respects is a miser. He lives alone in a tumbledown house, and is seldom seen outside it. When he goes out, his garments give him the appearance of a tramp. One day two friends of his youth met him iu the town, and began to chaff him about his^clothes. “Your father,” said one of them, “would never have worn a coat like that.”

“That’s just where you’re wrong,” was the answer. “It happens to have been my father’s.”

NO PLACE FOR, THE COW .

A young woman of great, perhaps too great, sensibility, begged to be excused from visiting an aunt who lived in an old-fashioned house, where pictures of a certain period were in evidence. “There is an engraving of a blacksmith’s shop in the dining-room!” said she, hysterically. “You can’t expect me to eat my dinner there. I smell the hoofs.”

A similar criticism came from one who suffered not from over-refinement, but from something quite different. She was a woman of recently acquired wealth, who went into an art gallery and asked for a painting of a certain size.

“I have just wliat you want,” said the dealer.

He showed her a beautiful animal painting, but she looked at it for a few minutes, and then shook her head. “It won’t do,” she said. “I want this picture for my drawing-room.” “But it’s a beautiful thing,” ventured the dealer.

“Not for a drawing-room,” announced the woman, conclusively. “You couldn’t have a cow in a drawing-room.”

TO ADD A CUBIT

Backboards, iron collars, and dumbbells were the ordinary calisthenic appurtenances in boarding-schools for young ladies in 1776, about the time when Maria Edgeworth was a schoolgirl. In a biography of the first great Irish novelist, the Hon. Emily Lawless says that these devices were not deemed sufficient in Maria’s case. For her special benefit one more had to be added, one which even the judicious family biographer seems to have regarded as rather severe. When she was fourteen years old her shortness was observed with no little disapproval by the members of her family. The Edgeworths had always been, a wellgrown race, and her lack both of height and of good looks was a blot on the reputation of the family. To* obviate one of her deficiencies not only were all the usual exercises resorted to, but also one which Mrs Edgeworth herself characterised as “unusual,” that, namely, of “being swung by the neck to draw out the muscles, and so increase the growth.” Unfortunately it was of. no avail. Short she was, and short she Avas destined to be. One lady described the excitement created by Miss Edgeworth’s arrival at the house where she herself, then a child of six, was staying, and recalled the excessive shortness of the visitor. “Small? Yes; she Avas exceedingly small, except lor her nose, Avliich. I remember, seemed to be to be very big.” Evidently the discrepancy betAveen the height, the nose and the great reputation of the guest was the point which left the most vivid impression on 'the mind of her young acquaintance.

BRAGTTCAL POLITENESS

While staying in Ireland a well-known si a.lesni.m was much troubled by a man who was continually asking for advice on local matters. At last the politician toi<l (ho head waiter of his hotel that he wished to receive f Lhe man no more.

‘tie considerate in your refusal,’’ he

said. “Treat him firmly, but with polite attention.”

When the man next called, the waiter obeyed his instructions. He refused to let the visitor see the guest. There was, however, a good deal of noise outside the door, and the statesman asked the reason.

“Oh, only the crayture ye spoke of, sor,” replied the waiter. “I sent him off with polite attention, though he was very inclined to see ye.” “Very good ; but what was the noise ?” “Oh, nothing, sir,” was the man’s answer, “nothing but when I kicked him down the stairs 1”

SOME MAXIMS.

Don’t take a polite acknowledgment for an encore.

Curiosity ofttimes hides behind the mask of solicitude.

Too many irons in the fire eat up much expensive coal. Everything comes to him who waits, except the waiter. Justice might take your part, but injustice takes your all. The man who jumps at conclusions usually falls with them.

“To-morrow” is the reef that has cost the life of many a business man. If every woman’s face was her fortune, there would be a run on the veil market.

Y/hen you are arguing with a fool just remember the fool is doing the same thing. When a woman says she wouldn't marry the best man alive she speaks the truth ; she couldn’t get him.