SOME 6000 STORIES TIME ENOUGH.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1687, 29 June 1904, Page 18

SOME 6000 STORIES

TIME ENOUGH.

Joaquin Miller wag visiting & friend whose tastes run ip the classical and the “precious” in literature. One day, this gentleman found liis venerable guest in the library, deeply absorbed in a book. “What are you reading?” he asked. “A novel, by Bret Harte.” “I can’t see,” said the fastidious gentleman, "how an immortal being can waste his time on such stuff.”

"Are you quite sure.” said Miller, “that I am an immortal being ?” "Why, of course, you are 1” “Ih that case,” returned the Californian, grimly, “I don’t see why I should be so very economical of my time.’’ GOLF, BEER AND PREACHERS. , The golf players are chuckling over what happened when two well known and thirsty divines recently took lunch at the links after a couple of hour’s play. They were of different creeds, one being a rigid Presbyterian and the other the easiest of easv going' Episcopalians. The morning exercise ended, the pair met in the club house lunch room. The Episcopalian had ordered something to eat, and a big, foaming, frost dimmed glass of beer stood at his elbow, when the other man of? God appeared. Looking with longing eye at the cool drink, the Presbyterian said: "I’d give a good deal for a similar glass.” “My dear fellow, why don’t you order a bottle of beer if you want it? O'r sit down and have some -of mine, and I’ll send for another bottle.”

"Oh, dear, no.” said the Presbyterian divne. “I am just as much obliged to you for the courtesy, but I would nor take a drink of anything lik© tbao in public for a hundred dollars. Whew! But it looks tempting!’’ And he resolutely turned his back on temptation. DECIDEDLY UNUSUAL. "We have a most extraordinary singer this year,” explained the manager, "and we wish you to exploit her in an unusual way.” "That’s good,” returned the press agent. "What are the facts?” “Well, she has no diamonds to be stolen.” "That’s plajred. out, anyway.” "That knocks out also elaborate descriptions of the way her gems arc guarded.” "Of course.” "Then she does not come of an aristocratic family that would be humiliated to see the family name on the play bills.” “That has become tiresome too.” "And she was not rescued from the slums by someone who was captivated by her beautiful voice.” The press agent began to look a little troubled. "She has no wealthy patron who has watched her from childhood and defrayed the expenses of her musical education from humanitarian motives, in order that the great public might not be deprived of the joy of her magnificent voice.” 'The press agent began to frewn. "SUic did not show her indomitable will by getting a musical education under the most adverse conditions, and none of her relatives starved themselves or in other ways showed 1 extraordinary self-sacrifice to furnish the necessary money.” The press agent breathed heavily. "None of the great masters considered her future of such promise that he took her as his personal pupil, and refused to accept any compensation other than the satisfaction of giving hex*, to the world.” The press agent gasped. "She has endured no hardships; she won’t demand eight rooms at every hotel, and insist that they shall all be refurnished to harmonise with her complexion; she never has refused to sing because someone in the audience sneered at a critical moment; she gets no fabulous salary; she isn’t supporting a widowed mother and paying for the education of four sisters; she doesn’t have to< he managed, with the diplomacy of a courtier ”

"Enough!’’ cried the press agent. "I told you she was unusual,” said the manager. "Unusual!” wailed the press agent. '‘She’s impossible from a press agent’s point of view.” '‘And last,” said the manegr, "she did not move an entire audience to tears the first time she sang.” But this was too much. The press agent had collapsed. DIPLOMACY. The South is the land of diplomacy, as witness this tale from Alabama. An old darkie, named Moses, found a negro- boy sitting on a fence grumbling to himself and looking "mad.” “Wliah’s de mattak wid you, Sam?” asked Moses. "Whah for all dis yere blackness ?” "Oh, it’s all dat Mars Fairfax,” said the boy. "Ah can’t git along wid him nohow. Ah guess I’m gwine to leab him. He cusses me and beats me all de time.” "Look a-hyah, Sain, why doan’ yuli ’cert yuli ’dependence once in a wile ? Dat’s de way ter du. When Mars Fairfax cusses yuh, yuh cuss him back.” A few days later old Moses came upon the ruins of the hoy perched on the same fence. “Wkah’s de trubble new?” asked Moses. "’Pears like yuh done gone and ran inter one of dem steam engines.” "It’s all yuh fault, Uncle Mose. Ah done taken yuh advice. Ah went out in de fiel’ de udder day and Mars Fairfax he come along and he cussed me. Den Ah ups and Ah cusses him hack.” "Foil de lan’s saks, man,” said old Moses, rolling his eyes, "yuh didn't let him liyear yuh, did yuh?” NO REPLY POSSIBLE. '‘Woman/’ remarked Mr Gooseling, '‘is heaven’s best gift to man, but whether it means a married ivoman or not, I am not so certain. Now, there’s my wife; I’ve known a good many women in my time, and I don’t think I’d be willing to change her for any woman I ever met, saw, or heard of. I’m ivilling to make as many concessions as most men, hut I really think there is a limit that any rear

sonable woman ought to observe. Not that my -wife’is not as reasonable as any. other married woman, mind you, for she is. But there are times when she makes _ men doubt the strict accuracy of the time- . . honoured maxim I have quoted. .* . "Now, for instance, the other day I was dofhg something or other in the house, as a man has a right to do on hia own premises, and, just as men 1 sometimes * do, I put my finger where I had no business to put it, and hit it -with the hammer.

“'Well/ said I to myself, though my wife was sewing by the window on the other side of the room, Til bet I’m the biggest idiot in creation/ “All of which I had a perfect right to say; but my wife looks up from her v'ork, and says- she — , " 'William/ says she, 'don’t you know enough about the ethics of gambling ho know that you have no right to bet on a certainty?’ - , ’, “That’s what she said; and, under tne circumstances, what on earth could say but nothing, and that’s what I said.