DOOLEY TALKS WAR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1681, 18 May 1904, Page 17

DOOLEY TALKS WAR

THE SCARCITY OF TRUTH. DESPOTIC TARTAR AND BELLICOSE JAP. “Well,” said Mr Hennessey, in tones of chastened joy, “th’ devourin’ Bear is in th’ soup f’r onst. ’Tis a tumble day f’r th’ Poles, Finns, Joos, Arrmanians, Chewtonguese, lab’r dimonsthrators, arychists, an’ other pathriots who ar-re th’ backbone iv the Rooshan Impire.” ‘Ye obtain y’r debilitnated ideas fr’m th’ milithrary experts in the pa-apers, an’ there ye’re wrong,” said Mr Dooley. “In a couple iv years, maybe, th’ tr-rue facts iv th’ case will be befure us in popular for-rm. Thin we shall knaw whither th’ Rooshan is bating th’ wily Orienthal with a pavin’ block, or whither th J conquerin’ Tartar has had th* stuffin’ knocked out iv him with a loaded chrysanthemum.”

“But fwhat about th’s speshul corryspondintsP” asked Mr Hennessey, in great surprise. v

“Thim boys is all right.” said Mr Dooley, “Ye can bet on that. But seem’ that they’re naythur a flyin’ masheen nor a Macaroni’s tiligraph, how can they give us th’ noose with th’ press cinsor goin’ through their copy with a "finetooth comb in wan hand an’ a club in th’ itherp No, th’ despothic Tartar has not so much tr-ruth about him that he can afford to let anny iv it go over th’s wires; an’ th’ mild but bellicose Jap, isn’t far’r behint him. “There has been a war-r at sea. Fwhat happened? Ye doan’t knaw, Hinnissey, an’ never will till th!’ man was there writes a book about it. Pm not sure ye will knaw thin. ‘Fwhat is it that we r-read in th’ paapers P First ’tis ould Alecthief that comes along with an officious repor-rt. This morning,’ he says, ‘the treachToua an’ uncivilised foe called in on Poort Arthur. I niver asked them. I don’t knaw thim and doan’t want to knaw thim. ’Tis strange how ye find this class of coarse, rude men pushin’ their way into th’ height iv societhy nowadays. ■ M.

• « ® « • ‘“Me ships ar-re not hurted,’ he says. Th’ few holes blown into thim ar-re just fwhat me men required,’ he says, ‘Pr ventilation,’ he says. ‘TIT unworthy inimy afther destroyin’ us sunk thimselves in gr-reat numbers. I didn’t see thim go under meself, but there ar-re plenty here that did. I can write no more,’ he says, ‘as it’s me busy day. Fwhat with me pathriotic proclimashuns, an’ the prisintashun iv medals to th’ br-rave officers that was ashore at th’ time,’ he says, ‘I doan’t knaw which way to tur-in,’ he says. But ye sh’d read me proclimashuns, wh’ch I enclose herewith. They’re gr-reat.’ ”

‘Thin do ye think that th’ Rooshans got th’ best iv it?” asked Mr Hennessey, anxiously. “I resarve me opinion afther reading the telegrams iv the speshul corryspondint iv the ‘'Happy Despatch,’ dated from Hohitohy,” said Mr Dooley. “That sagacious young man, aided by th’ press cinsor, kapes himself well abr-rest iv the times—or may be a little befure thim. Th’ Japs,’ he says, ‘have rejooced th’ fleet iv th’ haughty Rooshan. Ye cud pass what’s lift iv it through a fine sieve. Ye can see th’ pieces ivrywhere. “‘Th’’ Rattyplan was blown into two halves, wan portion alighting at sea an’ th’ uther on th’ Lung-Tongue Pei-ninsu-lar. Th’ captin had not returned to earth at th’ time I lift. Th’ [Rooshans in th’ town ar-re in a state iv turror on account iv th’ br-rave sailors who have not yet done falling fr’m the heavens. Ould Alecthief has lit out f’r home as if th’ dogs was afther him. Cable me five thousand as this descriptive writin’ :b most expinsive.’ “’Tis the same on land, Hinnissey. Th’ cinsors kape th’ mind iv th’ public in gr-reat confusion. Ould Alecthief has brought up four liundhred million if th’ crame iv all ißoosha by speshul excuhshun tr-rain. He has not. Th’ prejumpshuns Japs have landed eighteen ar-rmies at Poort . Arthui, Tellemson, Hello, Ping Pong, an’ Assoonas. Tis contradicted. They have desthroyed th* entoire forces iv the Czar in Manchewrai, which consisted iv four hundhred an’ four men an’ wan drummer all told. ’Tis grossly exaggherated. “Th’ Rooshans liaye nuthing to eat baring tn’ gold resarve in the banks. Th’ sufferings fr’m cold on Lake Bakeall is turruble, though th’ skatin’ is good. Th’ Japs will be crushed at wan blow. Ould Alecthief will permit no delay. He has said it, an’ if be doan’t knaw, who does?”

“I think the Rooshan is bate, anyway,” said 'Mr Hinnissey. “I’m plazed to hear y’r. views, Hinnissey,” replied Mr Dooley. “They’re always intheresting, if not conclusive. But with th’ mess cinsor knocking out every ‘must’ Cud ‘please rush’ with a blue pencil as a blatter iv principle an’ pathriotism, it ‘•-fin be no aisy thing f’r ye to for-rm \n opinion.”—“B. F. R. ” in London “Daily Express.”