WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1679, 4 May 1904, Page 79 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

‘'Eorae wasn’t built in a day,' you know.” "Oli! It was put up under* a Government contract, was* it ?” a* a ■ Lisping Lover—“SailA, if you don’t love me. tbay tlio; but if you do love me, and don’t like to tbay tlio, squerfhe my band th !” # * * The Modiste—“Madame,- it is impossible to get any money out of your husband. The Customer- “Well, don’t I have the sanies trouble?” “What was I crying' about, mamma .when I went to sleep?” “Because. 1 wouldn’t let yoxx have your new doll.” “Oh, yes! boo-boo, boo-boo!” # * , * “.Tobnny,” said tbe Sunday school teacher '“what is our duty to our neighbours?” “To tvsk them, to tea as soon as ther get settled,” said Johnny. # She (reproachfully}—“Before we were married you used co say you couldn’t live without me.” He—“A man never knows what lie can do till he tries.” a # - “I admito your wife’s style of writing. Her diction is perfect.” “Yes, her -.diction is all light. So is her contradiction. That’s wonderful.” “Do you know the seven wonders of the world ?’’. “Well, I know three of thean.” “Only, three?” “Yes; I’ve only been married three times, you know.” ** 1 * Author—“ Now, I want your honest* opinion. Tell me what faults you see in my book.” Friend l —“Well, for one thing, I think the covers are too far apart.” .# *. * “So you asked papa for my hand by telephone f What did he &ay ?” “Well, I don’t know -whether he said something or whether lightning struck the transmitter.” * 9 if The Rector’s Wife—“ Why here is a safety-pin in the collection.” The Rector —“Y r es, I fancy the man, who used to put in at trousers’’ button is now married.’ * ' * 4f . “Here we have only been- married two days, Clarence, and you’re scolding me already.” “I know, my dear; but just think how long I have been waiting for the chance.” ■ =:; * * Clare- —“He pressed l me to tell him- if I really and truly loved him.” Maude—- “ Audi did’ you tell him?” Clare—“ Not I. I was afraid if I did he might stop .the pressure.” # # How It Happened.—Jxxdget—How did you come to club- this nian so severely? Officer —-“Weil, yer honour, he kept perfectly stili, an’ -wudn’t dodge a single crack Oi made at him.” * * Irate'Purchaser —“Look here, that lot you sold me in Lonelyvillc is ten -e-et under water.” Real Estate Agent—“That’s all right, sir. We give a bathing suit and a life-preserver with every lot. ’ * if #• Young Husband (to wife) —“Didn’t I telegraph to you not to bring your mother vwith 'you ” Young Wile—“l know. That’s, what she wants to see you about. She read 1 the telegram.” * -v WMedium (at spiritualistic seance)—“ls Mr Keezicks present? His deceased wife wishes to communicate with him.” Mr Keenicks (in an agitated voice)—“Tell her Td rather nbt. I’m married again.” * : X ; Mrs Bond Hill—“ Reading is my husband’s greatest passion.” Mrs Chester Park—“ What a queer coincidence! My husband i 3 affected in the same manner every time lie reads gi bill from my dressmaker.” , -* * e Visitor —“Is your father at home?” Little Daughter—“ What is youri name, please?” Visitor—“ Just tell him it is his old! friend Bill.”' Little Daughter—- “ Then lie isn’t jn. I beard him tell mamma if any bills came he wasn’t home.” RICHES' OF CONTENTMENT. . The Floridian knows when he is rich, and so he is happier in his wealth than a millionaire. King Eldward is a poor slave beside him. The Florida “Times Union” says that there is much philosophic! contentment in Florida-, and tells a story to substantiate the statement. When the phosphate boom was young, a speculator paid one of those contented Florida folk 16,000 dollars for a tract of land the native had tided-to sell for 500. The sum conveyed only a vague impression to the mindi of the fortunate man. What he wanted was the cash in hand. “Don’t do that. Leave it in the bank and tell m-© what you want.” H-e wanted a farm of sixty acres with a bouse on it—the whole to cost a few hundreds. “What else?” “Can. I have a horse and saddle and bridle?” “Certainly.” “And a rifle ?” “Yes.” provisions ?” "Yes.” His eyes began to buige. There was a pause. “What else do you want?” “Oh, give me fifty dollars for this old woman to buy things for herself and 1 the children.” He started to walk away. ‘What else?” “Is there more yet?” “Yes.”.*'-. “ W eib give me a plug o’ tobacco, an’ set me dawn, where the fish will 1 bite all ddy, an’ you can have the rest.”