WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1676, 13 April 1904, Page 15

WIT AND HUMOUR

Mattie says that there have been domestic quarrels in. tliia world ever since Adam laid the blame on the missus. Father —“Now, children ! What animal is it supplies vou .with boots, and gives yo-a meat to eat?” Children —“Father!” Excited Wife —“Wake up, Henry. The house is on fire!” Sleepy Husband—- “ Good gracious! Now we’ll have to move again.” “Talk about me,an men! You know Jones'?” “Yes.” “Got a wart on the back of his neck.” “Well?” “Uses it for a collar button.” “How will you ha-ve your hair cur?” queried the talkative barber. “Off!” snapped the disagreeable patron. And the barber cut on. Th-e- Basliful Lover-—“ Miss Emily, I—er —hem !” She (sweetly)—“Do you, Mr Mammas-dear ? Now*, wouldn’t you l*ke to join our sewing class?” Archibald —“Mamma, give- me a penny.” Mother —“You’re too big to be asking for pennies.” Archibald—“ Well, then, give me a shilling.” He —“I had no idea that this was the most expensive restaura-nt in town.” She —“Wlrat makes you think it is ?” He—- “ Didn’t yon choose it?” “But,” protested the man, “I have enough?” “No,” replied the woman; enough ” “No,” replied the woman; “you must also admit that I was right.” An old Scotswoman, when advised by her minister to take snuff to keep herself awake during the sermon, replied—“ Why dinna ye put the snuff in. the sermon., man.” Mills—“l haven’t a million dollars, bn I do believe that every man shlou’d dt. as he would be -done by.” “Sills—- “ That’s just the reason the other fellow has got your million.” This life is full of sorrow, Which increases day by day; It’s jolly hard, to borrow, And it’s harder still to pay. Frank—“ Blanche pinned a tiny flat-ii-xm on my coat last night.” Dick —“Do you know what that means?” Frank —“No.” Dick —“Why, she- wants you to press your suit,” ‘■‘Wliat a beautiful sunset!” said. dreamer. “What glorious red! The whole heavens’seem aflame with living fire.” “Yes,” declared the mosaic, world-ly-minded female, “it is just the colour of my new dress.” A l-ady who* refused to rive, after hearing a charity sermon, had her pocket picked as she- was leaving the churchy On making the she said—“ The parson could uot find the way to my pc-eket, but the devil did,” Mr So-pht-ie-—“Well, Willie, your sister has given herself to me for a Christmas present. What do you think o-f that?” M illie—“Huh! That's what, she dun for Mr Brown last year.;,an’ ;he gave her back before Easter..-,,1 bet you’ll clo the same.” . ■