WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1636, 8 July 1903, Page 17

WIT AND HUMOUR

“Didn’t your wife bring anything With her when she married you?” “Yes—a ■mot! ler-in-law. ”

“My now novel is all tho rage.” “Yes; everybody who lias read it seems in a bad temper!”

Gladys—“l thought you said he was rich?” Mildred—“Oh, no! I merely said lie had more money than brains.”

Peter says it may be quite true that money is the root of all evil, but it is. also the tree of most of the happiness.

Her Method.—“ She calls her coo-k a chef. How absurd!” “Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps that’s how she gets lier to stay.”

Bootblack—“ Polish your boots, sir?” Swell—“No: confound you.” Bootblack—“ Polish your manners, sir ?”

Barber —“Hair’s gettin’ a bit thin on top, sir. Have you tried our hair restorer?” Customer (facetiously)—-“{Oh, no, it’s not that; it’s worry.”

Wife (during the spat)—“l believe you only married me for my money.” j-jjuslband—-“What a queer coincidence. All my friends believe the same tilling.”

Wilson—“l’ve lost that fine silk umbrella that- I took to town to-day.” Mrs Wilson—“Oh, what a pity!” Wilson—. “Still, there is one consolation —-it wasn’t mine!”

Henpeck—“ Here’s a poor fellow who got himself into trouble trying to serve two masters.” Mrs Henpeck—“lndeed ?” Henpeck—“’Yes, he’s been arrested for bigamy.”

She—“Oh, yes; I quite believe there’s a fool in every family. Don’t you?” He —“Well —er —any opinion’s rather biassed. You see, I’m the only member of the family.”

“Mary, did anyone call while I was out?” “Yes. Mr Snooks.” “Mr Snooks —Snooks ? I don’t know anyone of that name,” “Probably not, mum; he called to see me.”

Talk i-s oheap, and many remind ua We can make our lives sublime, And, departing, leave behind us Words demonetising time.

Farmer Hodge —-“Those confounded boys tied a tin pail to that dog’s tail and ran him 11 miles. I’ll sue ’em!” Mr Cityman—“Was it your dog?” Farmer Hodge—“ No. It was my pail.”

Juggings—“D’yer hear of Smith that used to live down our way P He’s opened a bank.” Muggins—“No. Got a fortune left him, I s’pose?” Juggins —“'No, got 10 years; he opened the bank at night with a crowbar.”

An Argument.—Mr Crusty—“No, sir, I think you’re a fraud. I don’t believe you’re blind at all.” Mendicant—“'lf I wasn’t blind, do you think I’d ever ask a miserly-looking fellow like you for anything ?”

Irish repartee is proverbial. A professional man addressed an artisan, who was waiting in his hall, rather brusquely—“ Halley you fellow, do you want me?” The answer was neat—“No, yer honour, I’m waiting for a gentleman!”

Maude—“ Father, yo.u take far too much snuff. Why, you won’t be able to hear a word soon.” Pessimist —“I don’t want to hear. I have heal’d as much iu this world as I want to already.”

Jolines —'Let me shake yojur hand, dear boy; you’ll never see such a happy day as this again!” Aigy—“Oh, that’s too previous, old man—l shan’t be married till to-morrow 1” Jolines—“That’s what I mean; you’ll never see such a happy day as this again.”

Doris—“ Yes, she was furious about the way in which that paper reported her marriage.” Helen —“Did it allude to her age?” Doris—“lndirectly. It stated that Miss Olde and Mr Hale were married, the latter being a well-known collector of antiques.”