WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1626, 29 April 1903, Page 12

WIT AND HUMOUR

Philosophic Murphy (recovering from a 20ft fall) —“Well, I had to come down lor nails, anyway!” There are times, according to Peter, when it isn’t sale to presume on the generosity of your best friend. “I never cciuld see why they always called a boat a ‘she.’ ” “Evidently you have never iried. to steer one.” Gyer—“Bald heads remind mo of kind words.” Myor—-“What’s the answer?” Gyer—“They can never die.” “Man wants but little here below,” remarked tho landlady. “And here is the place to get it,” continued the facetious boarder. He—“My views on bringing up a family——” She —“Never mind your views; I’ll bring up the family—you go and bring up the coal.” “I hear your son is reading law.” “No, sir. It’s a mistake. My son is sitting in the back office with his feet on the desk, snicking cigarettes.” Mrs Smith —“I declare this leg of mutton has slnunk away almost to nothing.” Willie Smith —“Perhaps, mamma, it came off the same sheep as my flannel did.” The meanest man in the world is the husband who placed bis money in a mouse-trap, so that his wife could not get it in tho early morning without liberating a mouse. Phrapper (after his tenth miss)—“Oh. hang the birds!” Keeper—“ Sorry, sir, but we ain’t got no string, but if you likes to let, me have the .gun I’ll shoot ’em for you.” Author —“X believe I will write an animal book.” Wife —“But you don’t know anything about animals.” Author —“No ; but I know something about human nature.” Tom —“X hear Bob is engaged to a widow.” Harry—“ Yes, so he tells me.” Tom —“Any encumbrances.” Harry— “Yes—a matter of £-10.,000 I believe.” Guard —-“Now, then, miss, get in quickly, please. The train is about to start.” Young Lady—“ But I want to give my sister a -kiss.” Guard Get in! Get in! I’ll attend to that for you.” An Abridged Alphabet.—Dick—“Have you noticed how Dodd drops Ins aspirates ?” Harry —“Yes; but that’s nothing to tiio way* he drops his vowels. Eve more than a dozen of his -I 0 TJ s -my-' self.”

A clergyman recently went to preach in a church unfamiliar to him. “You must do your best to keep your- voice up, sir,” said the churchwarden. “Our church is very unfortunate in its agnostic effects!” “Charles, dear,” said tho rustic young girl, “will you love me as now and cling to me always?” “Yes, darling,” replied tho matter-of-fact lover, “I’ll stick to you as tight as those freckles on your nose.” “I’ll havo you know, stranger, that I belong to Chicago !” said the Yankee. “■’Deed, an’ wha’d liae thoclit it?” quoth the sceptic Scot. “Frae the wey ye’ve been speaking I thocht Chicago belonged iae you.” “X tell you,” said the doctor, “it’s the man w-ho can push himself along that succeeds best in this woriu.” “Not at all,” replied the professor. “It’s the man W'ho can shove others out of his way that succeeds best.” Bacon—“ls your wife improving in her cooking?” Egbert—“Oli, yes! When I first began to eat her food I had to havo the doctor, now I just, have to take some little thing for indigestion which I happen to have in the house,” “John,” said an old woman at the milk cart the other morning, “hoo is it that the ither milkman gi’cs bigger measure than yo;u gi’e?” “Oh it’s easy kennin’ that,” replied the milkman. “Ye ken he just has half the customers I ha’e.” A parish surgeon was wont to be very much bothered by an old, hypochondriacal patient. On one occasion he was stopped by him in the street of the village, and thus addressed —“Doctor, if vc jist pit yer ear to ma lug, ye will near sic a singin’.” She—“ Some persons claim that they cannot look from a height without wishing to cast themselves down. Dici. you ever have that feeling, Mr Yearnsor He—“ Once.” “Indeed? Where were you?” “I was oil an elevated car, and I saw you in tho street.” Sandy Brunt, in the county cf F——. lent his ladder to a man. Forgetting whom he lent it to, ho sent the bellman through the town crying: “If the man that got a len’ o’ Sandy Brunt’s ladder disna bring it back at wanco he 11 no’ get a len’ o’t, again.” Small Boy (to milkman) —“Ma mither’s in an awfu’ state this morning aboot the cat; it dee’d last nicht.” Milkman —“Ob, that’s a pity. What did it dee o’ ” Small Boy—“It dee’d o’ water in the lieid, efter drinlcin’ a platefu’ o’ your mulk.” Collapse of milkman. Victim —“K yc?ir hair restorer is so good, how is it you arc bald yourself?” Barber —“Well, sir, once I had a very big order for ladies’ plaits, and to execute it I used some extra doses of niy restorer over my hair, and got, half a dozen long plaits, sir. But it grew a’l the hair out of my constitution, sir.”