SOME GOOD STORIES

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1617, 25 February 1903, Page 75 (Supplement)

SOME GOOD STORIES

AN EXPENSIVE SANDWICH. It is told of a country squire that, on a certain festive occasion, he, with a party cf gentlemen, began discussing their capacities for eating. After a heated discussion, the squire wagered that lie could eat more, than any other guest present, they to be the judg's. The bet was taken, and all bands ate until they could eat no more, the squire apparently not being ahead in the gast ron o-m ical cct npetition. “Are you all finished?” inquired the squire. Tile rest admitted that they were, and claimed the squire had not fulfilled his promise, The squire pulled out his capacious pocket-boolc, took therefrom a £2O note, and placing the bill between nvo thui slices of buttered bread, devoured the costly sandwich. He von the bet. VERY PECULIAR. Mr Justwed (to wife who has prepared a turkey for dinner for the first time alone): “Alice, it seems to me ‘hat this turkey has a most peculiar flavour. What do you suppose the trouble :s? It is like nothing I have ever tasted before.” Mrs Justwed: “I don’t know, I am sure, dear. I was very careful, and I know it must be clean, for i scrubbed it thoroughly with soap.'’ HOW SHE WOULD TEACH THEM. Little Girl: “If T were a teacher I’d make everybody behave.” Aunty: “How would you accomplish that ?” - _ Little Girl: “Very easy. "When girls was bad I’d toil them they didn’t look pretty: and when little boys was bad, I’d make them sit with the girls; and when big boys was bad, I wouldn’t let them sit Avith the girls.” ONLY PLACE HE’D BEEN IN. Staffer (at the end of Simpkin’s ball): “Do you know, I can’t find my overcoat anywhere.” Simpkins: “Have you looked in the refreshment room ?” Stuffer: “ Why, no how could it be in there?” Simpkins: “You haven’t been anywhere else during the evening, have you ?” A SPORTING CONVERSATION. Miss Hawkins: “I think there’s a great deal in the notion that people become what they eat.” Barlow: “Well, if they do you must have eaten venison. You are such a deer little thing.” Miss Hawkins (softly): “You are not making game of me, are you, George?” WHAT DID HE MEAN. “Yes,” said Mr Jones, when a certain girl’s name had been mentioned, “I knoAV her to speak to, hut not by sight.” “You mean.” cut in the prompt corrector, “you mean that you know’ her by sight, but not to speak to.” “Do I?” asked Mr Jones anxiously. “Of course you do. You haA r e seen her so often that you know who she is, but have never been introduced to her. Isn’t that it?” “No, that isn’t it. I never saw her

at all to know her, but I speak to her nearly e\’cry day. “How can that be?” “She is the telephone girl at the Exchange ?” WHICH LINE WAS IT? A gentleman, who had grave doubts as to the sobriety cf bis servant, called him up from the cellar one day, and accused him of intemperance. The man protested. “I will test yon now, John,” said the master, and chalking a straight line across the floor, ho invited the man to walk along it. John looked at the floor, then at his master, and said: “No jokes now, sir. Which line do vou want me to Avalk on ?” WISHED HE HADN’T SPOKEN. Said a nervous passenger to the mother of a howling imp in the express train : “Madam, is there anything any cf us can dry to pacify your little boy?” “Oh, i hank you. yes.” said the mother cf the spoilt child. “You see, the dear little pet just wants to throAV his jam tart at the passengers, and I was afraid they wouldn’t like it. Please to stand where you are. Now. stop crying, darling. This kind gentleman Avants io play with you.” “P’EASE MATE DAT NOISE AD AIN.” In a certain English home a fond mother by her sweet voice ’.vas trying to send to sleep her little child cf tAvo. After she had been thus engaged for over half an hour, and, as she thought, succeeded in charming the little innocent into the realms of peaceful slumber, the child suddenlv looked up into the eyes of his despairing mother and said : “P’osse mate da.t noise adair?,’ mamma WHY, AN ENGLISHMAN, OP COURSE. A southern family rented a Highland castle for the shooting season, and arrived there one evening wtth a large party of guests. Amid the bustle, a large net monkey broke loose and Avandered over the estate. It was met by a number of gillies, Avho had never seen such an animal before. They began pointing at the jibbering; beast, and calling “Tugald” and “Shamus” —their elders —in tones of interrogative wonder. “Who will she be?” said Shamus. “She aa'ill not be a Grant.” said Tugald, “or she would SAvear at us for staring!” “No: and she will not bo a Campbell either,” said Tuo-ald; “ta Campbells are black, and this shentleman is of a reddish complexion.” “I wonder Avill she be a McTavish?” mused Shamus. “I will. have it now. Run up to ta hig linos a, Tugald, and ask if any of ta English veesitors will haf peen escaping.” LASHED TO THE BRAKE WHEEL. The other day a goods guard on the Caledonian Raihvay reported the driver for slow running. The driver meant to have his revenge, and tho following day, when running a fast goods train and having a clear line for some miles, he thought he would give the guard a startler, and did the run at the rate of fifty miles an hour. The old van rocked like a cradle. On pulling up, the driver Avent back to see what, the guard thought of jt, and found he had lashed himself to the brake wheel, having previously chalked up on the van: “If found dead killed by furious driving.” ITIS CHOICE OF SCENTS. Bobby (doing his Christmas shopping): “I would like to buy a bottle of ’fumery for mamma.” "Clerk: “All right, my boy. What odour do you prefer?” Bobby: “Oh. I think—l think—gingerbread !”