IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, 22 January 1902, Page 66

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. —Hudibras, \\ hat is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat:-—A centipede with chilblains.j

A Sure Thing.—lie—“ You are m\ alter ego." She—">,ell, speak to papa and lie’H alter your egotism." *****

The Minor Pool—“A poet, sir, is born, not made.” Publisher—" Now don’t try to shift the blame on to your parents'" *****

w ® * * * 3311610 Indeed?—A lady correspondent writes to ask for tho address of the place! where civil servants come from. Hers,! she says, are so rude. i * * » » • j

“Did your barber ever tell you anv hairraising stories?” “Yes; he told me that tonic he soft! me would make mv hail grow.”

- What is the difference between" a liair-l restorer and a strict house-wife? One: preserves the locks and tho other locks j the preserves. * * # * *

Too Swift for Them.—“ doped in ;,n automobile, did they?” “Yes; but it was no use. The old man had a flying machine ” * * w »

Barber—“ What will you have on your face, witch hazel or bay rum?” Patron: —“Naitlier wan ncr tho other. Ji.,t put on plain court plaster.” * * » » •

Stationma-tor (to Irish passenger) “You cannot go by this train; there’s nc room.” Irish passenger—" I must have a seat supposing I stand all the wav.”

Mrs. Brooke—“I never had any trouble with baby. I’ve only to sing to him and he goes right off to sleep.” Airs. Cooke—- “ What a knowing child!”

Young Lady—“ Oh, Mr. Green, I don't know what to do with Lttio. She is so miserable because she hasn’t had iiei donkey ride. Would you mind giving hci a pick-a-back?” * » • • •

Airs. B (sobbing)—"When we were first married you used to take me on youi kueo and tickle me under the chin.” Air B.— ies, but gee whiz, Julia, then you had only one chin.” » » • a

Clever Deception "Strategy i u wav” explained the Irish military instructor " is whin ye don’t let tho inimy discover that tlio ammunition is run out, but just kape on firing.” *****

In Africa.—First Native—“ The missionaries would like to stop Second Native-—" They would? I don't see why a man shouldn’t eat according to the dictates of his conscience.” *****

As to the Pupil’s Picture.—The Artist—- " That’s about the right distance Now, I suppose you want me to tell you jusl what I think of it.” Pupil—“ Well ahem!—you might do it in moderation!”

Plenty of Time. Alessenger-boy (tc workman on new bridge)—"Say, boss, is

this bridge done yet?” Workman—No; it won't be done for a year yet.” Messen-ger-boy—" Well, lots ’ time. Guess I’ll wait.”

The cruel father denied that he was without consistent purpose in separating the lovers, thus: "They’ll get to thinking they’re the whole thing unless they're kept a part!” he explained, laughing explosively. *****

In Africa.—First Native—" And the white man’s Government has forbidden the traders to sell us any more liquor oi firearms.” Second Native—" You don’t say! Do they want us to relapse into barbarism ?”

Easily Arranged—xnggins (over the ’phone)—" Sir, I desire to ask for youi daughter Clara’s hand in marriage.” Hei Father (with eight daughters)—“l don” know who you are; but take her, my bov and be happy " *****

An Interesting Standard "What is your idea of a man of honour?” "A mar. of honour,” said the French nobleman, expanding his chest, “is one who will pay his wine bills and card debts, even if he has to marry in order to get the money.”

" Madame,” said the energetic bookagent, " I have here a valuable cook-book which shows you a dozen ways to utilise cold roast beef.” “ Humph,” answered the hard-featured lady at the door. “ H never gets a chance to get cold in this house.” * * * * *

"Oil, niy,” she exclaimed impatiently, "we’ll be sure to miss the first act. We've been waiting a good many minutes for that mother of mine.” “Hours, I should say,” he replied, rather tartly. "Ours?” she said, joyfully. “Oh, George, this is so sudden.”

Sternly Practical—" Don’t you know there are sermons in stones and good in everything?” “I dunno ’bout dere bein’ sermons in stores," answered Air Erastus Pinklev. "But if a man is out o’ razor reach an’ kin th’ow straight, sometimes dar is a heap o’ persuasion in ’em.” * * * •>

A Curious Statistician—" How large permanent population has Crimson Guli h?” inquired the tourist. “Well,” answered Bronco Bob, "we’ve got about, four hundred and seven living here. But with so much hoss-stealin’ an’ brace faro goin’ on, I wouldn’t allude to anybody as bein’ particular permanent.”

An essay on Gladstone, by a boy of eleven, states:—"Mr Gladstone loved everybody, lie lovd publicans and cinners and Irishmen, he wanted the irish to come to England and have home rool, but Chambelin says no, no. So lars he got his bind up and killd Air. Parnel. Air. Gladstone died with great rispect, and is buried in Westminster with pieceful ashes.”

They Wouldn’t Button.—A little girl of three was always most wide awake at her regular hour for bed ller mother, going into the nursery one night, found her, as usual, with wide-open eyes. “Oh, Pussy, you really ought to go to sleep,” she said reproachfully. “I really would if 1 could, mummy dear,” was her daughter’s reply, "but my eyes won’t button.”

Mistress—". Tames, your actions show plainly that you have been drinking. How many drinks have you had to-dav?”

James—" Well, ma-am (hie), I don’t quite remember; hut when 1 druv you h’out today I ’ad ten drinks before we started, and six drinks three hours before that! and five hours after that 1 'ad ten drinks more, and two hours later I ’ad hve drinks more, ma’am, and on me way ’cine from the carriage-’ouso 1 'ad six'more, ma’am. Figger li’t h’out yerself, ma’am.”

Poor Man!—A hardened-looking ruffian was being tried, and his counsel, in a voice husky with emotion, addressed the jury. “Gentlemen,” said he, "mv client is a poor man. lie was driven by' hunger and want to take the small sum of money. All that Ke wanted was sufficient money to buy bread, for it is in evidence that he did not take the pocket-book containing the 4150 in notes that was in the same drawer.” The eloquent advocate was interrupted by the convulsive sobs of his client. “Why do you weep?” asked the judge. "Becors I didn’t see the pocketbook in the drawer ”

His Name Forbade It.—The following story is told about the American admiral, Stephen B. Luce. As a young man he was highly popular among the gay set surrounding the naval station at Newport. On the same ship as himself was a rather grim and severe senior officer, who did not approve of social dissipations in the service, and was on tho constant look-out for any dereliction on the part of the youngsters. One evening, after a round of pleasures. Luce came back to the ship to find this martinet on deck as lie stepped off tho gangway. The elder man looked tho younger over with tho eye of disapprobation, and remarked sharply—Mr. Luce, you’re tight.” "Pardon me,'” was the quick retort; “if Stephen B. Luce how can be be tight, sii ?” * * * * *

Two “wild Ilielandmen,” recruits of a famous kilted corps, wero visiting an English church for the first time. They had not long been seated when the organist began to play a lively voluntarv This was something quite novel in their church experience, and they listened m open-mouthed astonishment. One of them was shortly roused from his blissful reverie by a gentle tap on the shoulder. 1 urning round, he saw a handsome lady* tho owner of the pew, who smiled graciously upon hi mancl wished, of course, to be allowed to pass to her seat Ho did not, however, tako in tho situation ‘ Na, na, mom, tak ina mate here ” ho whispered to her audibly, "he will be a better dancer than mo.”