IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1514, 7 March 1901, Page 9

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense- how- and. then Is relished by the wisest men." —Hud i bras. AN HOTEL MANAGER'S STORY. An amusing incident occurred recently at one of the large new London hotels. One of the chambermaids', Bridget Maloney, in writing .to her. friends used the hotel letter; paperi Imagiiie the. surprise of the Manager on finding a letter byre turn -addressed—“ Bridget Maloney, : —--- Hotel—all modern improvements—lift. Tariff oil- application, terms moderate, London, England.” F It was ■ evident Bridget’s Irish• friend was determined the letter should not miscarry Tor want of full directions. ' -A • ; - • NEW USE FOR A PHONOGRAPH. /- “Woman,” he said; wearily, “has no idea of economy -of labour: - Of course, she has & bard time: in many ways; but it’s largely her own fault: She likes to /work.’”; V ■'/. •; /.;; • ; /. '/ '/: Why do you Say, that ?”/ she demand'bdr v . "vZ'itl-' ' •■/"/ “Vvhy, just by way' of illiisfc'ratipn, there’s " that' "curtalii ’lecture you / have given me 'every lodge night , for. over a /year: . Same old lecture, delivered in Vne. ; ,sanie//cld: way,-- and still.:ycu ; fail to .take ,advantage: of,.modern inventions. '/Just think; what a. saving it. would he:if .yo_u..used the'phonograph!;’: • t r;,T ? A GIRL FROM • AMERICA.; !-1 ... Mr Justin Huntly McCarthy was once showing'' a y6uhg American iffarridd lady over . tho/iHouses / of/Pailidnient. '", ,'ln escof tiffg/lieh ’ tlUnuglT,Uie.-libiUry; of/the Conimqhe.fie-/ casually ’ ’ mentioned.,’ as . a .inore /of/Hess iiitefesting.ffagt‘,l"//fhat ’ .It wiis-. ngainst. the rules ’for : ' a/ woman'./ to sib"Mown Jfhefe. ; //;/.ii //.. ■./:>// /;■* “Is / that ; really/ a, law ; Af : the / place ?” asked / the. fair Am-ef innocently. - .. -. 0 “That /is sqlf f ;;an%w§ged)■ -jthe. : ,-.. M,.P., -S r avely. 3 ffxaexdi qoiisn sni cm cho c .- . “T’nen,”;. .said;-his ; nd,si fq[=calmiy. bub .deteraninediy,;r“yd\i,bjustii§ee! m/e /hfeqk -it.” and/ eheJcsat .•re'sblutely’idaivn ,aftther.thble«ri ---m . r ,; .. •- .v-y- •p. J 4r;L.yf :- ?n hr- ' SARAHvo DUCHESSrO-F MARIA-1-) .. _ / ;;/ ; BOROUGH: yok Lord Maiisfieid owed much - of his promotion -td‘: the-Tavnuxc firflt Duchess of wMailborougli. 1 / That exalted Mdy-’ called and fbuixd : ffiiiu out. After waiting shine -time slid left without seeing him-. Mhns-

field, returning later, asked his clerk, who was new to his situation, who his visitor had been. “I do not kno\r, sii\” said his clerk, “she did not- leave her name. But I think she must be a great lady, she swore so dreadfully.” - A PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE. One of the oddest proposals of marHago ever mad© was that of a young . nobleman, who passed a slip of. paper to a lady-at a ball -with the two word's —“Will you?” “'Won’t I!”- .wrote thd lady back. ' 7 . - A TALK-'WITH.A' MANBiARIN.-miy Etiquette requires that in "Chinese conversation. each shoMd cbmpliment l feBJ other and everybodybelonging tb-^ ’■ in the most laudatory style/ and ciate himself, with all appertainihg L tp him, to the lowest possible/point. Thq following is no exaggeration, though not the precise words:—” . ' “What is your honourable name?” /. -..-“ My insignificant appellation is Wrong.” . ■"YVhere is. your magnificent palace ?” / “'My cpntomptibl© hut is at Suchan.”/ “How many are your illustrious chUf piren .“My vile, -worthless brats .a-re five.” - - “How is the health of .your ed spouse ?” • s. 0 - “My mean, .good-for-nothing old wo*: ■man is well.” . • ’T~ ’ , • UNDER. CROSS-EXAMINATION,'* i • A wildly turbulent peasant was once a witness in a trial before Chief Baron O’ Grady. The counsel, after"' pestering him for some time, put a question to him which reflected on the witness’s character. • . ■■ *• ■ “If y</ ax me that again I’ll give ye a kick in the face!” was the. answer./] The counsel appealed to the Court, stating that an answer was;- necessary to his client’s case, ending, up with the query— - . “What would your Lordship advise-me to do?” • •: “"If you are resolved to repeat the question,” replied the Chief Baron, gravely, “T should advise .you. to move .a little from the witness/’, ... ... ■ . AT A’ DINNER PARTY. One day the grandmother of the writer was entertaining some guests in -her house in G k. The manservant was an iold and. privileged member, of the household, and was waiting table. /.,"/ Mrs T. was carving a fowl, and on placing a portion on a plate which she considered ample, was surprised to find the old man still waiting holding the plate as if for more. She ' motioned to him to take- it to one of the guests, when tlie p]d iaan /bent in, a loud whisper said : "/ -*- ' -'- “Mind, mem, it’s Mr John Campbell, and he’s got’ an awfu ? -appetite!” -/'/ ' QUEER STORY OF-A. SERVANT/ ' ..... GIRL.- . vo. tvefh ; “-My "Mrs -Glesi Iris- to iler husband at breakfast; -“the servanit hah gone again; : Must*-^have-flit ted--in the night. 1 cairt ihake-it ?; qut/’ I* ;: -■ f/’/d “It is* curious:/ ’■‘ replied 1 Mr' “'This is the fifth 'that has disappeared "mysteinbusly ‘hr afoxtnightls anytaii% .wrong'with' the house?/" Is" jt haunted? Is her 'room "damp ?;; J Y r 4'/Kad bdtt/r make a -voyage- of discdvereyV as wfe' eahnot.go on likq ; this,/’ After; breakfast the Eitchen wah ih•spected carefully,. but; nothing found to account, for the ( sudddhnes% of flight J.iy the various--domesticsif ; ■ ;.;•/© • Then . the.’ bedroom: w;as. .gone: .through, and everything, . seemed: aRi/right, -/.and then Mrs'-Glen/lids’ happened: tax'Open" the cupboard,; and. there was the skeleton that -had*/frightened:* the .-domestics : awa.y. ; It was/ a--square piece >^of '■9 ar^ _ • board on which was written— I “Don’t stop here ; the missus*‘is a beast-.” '-’ •’/ ■; ■; roy 7/ a- : yisit of; p^ 7 Sympathetic Plain. Friend' (to;./ fiihnv widow): The: last tiine .l rrhbb spitke tblme 'with, such.- arsuimy. greeting -that I; was happier Tdfi it -all ;day ? longer i /Youiig Widow (still dhli"vio<us i :to' -t-.brng: loss).: > Yesprthat ewas likb deaf iDa'vkl~;-. r '. There t was ana ;woiffad 1 sd K M®d^d r t>r stupid;: 'oryunattraative df-dulljßTit/that .lib.could fiiid thing; pleasant t<> say to alid? rwcnild take pains,/ta^s^y-Yt.:/ .