DOOLEY ON THE WAR

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1523, 28 February 1901, Page 57

DOOLEY ON THE WAR

A CLEVER WRITER’S WIT. CASUAL OBSEE.VALIGNS. Mr F. P. Dunne, in his ■ newly -published book, “Mr Dooley’s Philosophy,” deals incidentally with the South African War and our misfortunes and: blunders therein, with a humorous candour _ that is always shrewd and occasionally biting'. But (remarks “Rix,” in the “Evening Times”) there is no reason for a satirist treating a foreign country, as Britain is to Mr Dooley, the Chicago bar-tender, with more consideration and tenderness than he has shown in the past towards “Mack” and Shatter, Dewey and Miles, “Tiddy Rosenfelt” and “Loot Hobson” ■of the Ivlerrimao. Mr Dooley _ goes .straight to the point in explaining te Ins inquiring, but ill-informed,' friend Hinnissy why Britain went to war with the Transvaal. When the English heard that there was gold there, they cam© in great hordes, .“sturdy Anglo-Saxons fr’mi Saxony, thfi.Einsterms an’' Heidi ©hacks an” Werners, an’ whin they took out goold enough so’s they needed ray creation they wanted to vote. ‘An’,’ says JOE CHAMBERLAIN, he says, ‘Be hivins, they shall vote,’ he says. Tsi it/ he says, ‘possible that at this stage iv tli’ workks progress,’ fie says, ‘ail English gintleman shad be denied/ he says, ‘th’ right to dhre-p off a. thrain annywhere in th’ civilised wurruld an’ cast his impeeryal vote?” Mr Kruger’s reply hits him. off quite accurately. “ ‘All right/ he .says, Til give them- franchise/ he says. ‘Whin?’ says Joe Chamberlain. Tn me will/ says Kruger, .‘an’ I hope to live to be a hundherd; if I keep on smoking before breakfast/ he7says. 'Whin I die/ he says, Til bequeath to me frinds, the English, or such of them as was her© before I come, the inalienable an’ sacred right to 'demand fr’m me suedissor th’ privilege iv ilictin’ an alderman/ -he says. ' I’m not ' more than half crazy/ he says, ‘an anny time ye find me givin’ annywan a chans t to vote me into the job -of drivin’ & mule, an’ put in an English prisidint iv this raypublie, ye may conclude that your Uncle Paul needs a guarjeen/ he says.” . “MISTER KRUGER.” Only in one respect has Mr Dooley a low opinion of Mr Kruger’s intelligence. What he should have done was to give the British the votes, but do the counting of them himself. It is for the War Expert that Mr Dooley reserves his finest scorn. A man becomes; a War Expert quite simply. ir Ef ye can think iv annywan whose face is unfamiliar to ye and ye don’t raymimber his name, an’ he’s got a job on a paper y© didn’t know was published, he’s a war expert-. He goes to the office. Says the editor iv the paper, ‘I don’t know ye. Ye must be a war expert.’ .T am/ says the laad. ‘Was ye iver in a war?’ says the r i’ve been in nathin’ else/, pays the laad. ‘Durin’ the Spanish-American War I held a good job as Dhramatic Critic in Dedham., Matachoosets/ he says. ‘Whin the bullets flew thickest in th’ Soodan I was spoor tin’ editor iv th’ “Christian Advocate,” he says/ With

the War Export- should follow the campaign with acute intelligence, and advise the Generals with a rich resourcefulness. “It is; manifest fr’m the despatches teilm’ that Gin’ral Duller has crost the Tngela River that-Gin’ral Buller has crost the T'ugela River. This we r’read in spite of the cinsor. The question is which side he has crost to. On Friday he was ou the north side in the mornin’ and on the south side at night, an’ in the river at xiioon. We heerd nowthin’ Sundah mernin’. The presumption is that there was nawthin’ tc hear. Therefore it ia easy to imagine Gin’ral Buller, findin’ his position on th© north side ontenable and his position, on the -south side onbearable, is thransportin’ his troops on rafts up the river, an’ is now engagin’ the enemy between Spitzozone and Rot-tc-nfintoin, two- immensely strong points. W Pat I void do if I was Buller, which would he to move my army in half-an-h-our -over the high ‘out aisily accessible mountains to the right- of Crounjoy’s forces, an’ takim* i&ff me shoes so ho cu-ddii’t hear them, squeak, creep up behind'the. Dutch an’ lam their heads, off. • After this stroke r twd be ea-sy ..to get the forces iv-Frinoh, Gatacre, Methoon, and Winston Churchill together some afteenmofiv invite the': inimy .to a band -concert, surround . and m&ssacree them. . This adroit move cud be ixicuted if Roberts .wud. only make use of the ixicil- ' lint ’bus -saflviee between H-okesmith and Mikesmith./’THE- CHINESE WAR. : Mr Dooley- is equally happy in dealing with -the Chinese Situation, and parodies the Kaiser 2 * address to his tropy®. witli; perfect fairness: ' “ ‘Whin ye get among fire-' CMnee/ he says-, firaymirnber ■ that ye ar-re the vanguard iv Ohristy’anity/ he .says,' ‘an’ stick yer bayn.it-through ivry hated infidel ye see/ he 'says.'”' Mr Dooley is not fivithout ' hope- that iii the 'end the impact,of Y7eStehii Civilisation upon the East may result in. the .Chinese, civilising’ the German. Particularly funny' is the description of the manner-in which the. Chinese Ambassador tp. - Washington, dealt. .out his .mysteriously acquired 'misinformation about what was going on in Pekin during the siege of the- Legations. * Wu calls on - the American Secretary ~qf State. .“‘Well/ says he, with a happy smile, ‘ ■’tis all right/ ‘What’s all right?’ says the sicrety iv state. ‘lvrything,’ says Wee. ' T have just found a letter sewbd in a\ shirt from, -me friend Lie Much, the - vicer’y iv Bumbang. It is dated ilie fourth hib'ur iv the third day iv the eighth or green cheese moon/ he says. "What day is that?’ says; the sicrety-iv state. Tt’F Oho*o-sdah, the" fourth ..-of July / Winsdah, the eighth of October; ' and Thurs'dah, the sivinteenth iv March/ he says. ‘Pathrick’-s day?’ asks ■ the sxeret-y iv state. ‘Thru© f’r ye/ saya Woo. ‘What year?’ says Jawn Hay. ‘The year iv the big wind/ says Woo. .‘Here’s the letter/ he says. T know it’s genooine, because it is an old dress patthern. used .by the impress. . It : says Oscar Who, care iv himsilf, anny where. Dear Woo, brother iv the moon, undo iv the sun, an’ room-mate iv the- stars. Yours iv the eight day iv the property moon received, out iv the air yesterdah afternoon -or to-mio-rrow. Nawthin’. .doing. Pekin as quite as the grave. Her majesty the impress is sufferin’ slightly fr’m death by p-cdson, but is still ablfi to do the epokin? f’r the Rooshian ambassador. ~ .■ . . That/ says; Woo, ’is one way' iv readin’ it. Read upside -’down it means, that the impress has become a Sweedenboorjian. I will read it s tan din’ on me head whin I get home, where I can pin; down me overskirt; thin I’ll read it in a lookin’ glass'; thm I’ll saw -it into-strip® an’ run it/through a wringer, an’ lav© it stand/My.a tub -of blue. an ; whin it’s I’ll find out what it says. But before I go/ He says, ‘pnojucing three thimbles, ‘l’ll bet ye eight million yens, or 3 dollars 85 4 cents iv your money, /that ye can’t pick out the. shell this here pea is under/.”.. The horse-sense -of Casual Observation® at th© end. of the book may be sampled in the saying that “An autocrat’s a rule* that does what the people wants an’ takes the blame iv it. A eons tit o oti onal ixicutive, Hinnissy, is a ruler that does as he dam pleases"- an’ blames- the people.” :