IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, 21 February 1901, Page 18

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. —Hudibras. Shifting a Burden. —“Kirby Skaggs invited a lot of us to dine with him. Then he gave as table favours the hats he won on election bets.” Husband (snarling)—“You married me for better or worse, didn’t you ?” Wife (hesitatingly)—“Yes, but I supposed I .would have some variety.” Uncle Josh —“The detectives say they’ll bring the crime home to the criminal.” Uncle Silas—“l reckon they won’t find him at home.”—“Puck.” Lucy—“ Clara’s honeymoon was completely spoiled.” Alice —“How?” Lucy —“The papers containing the account of the wedding did not reach her.” Little Son (suffering from toothache) —“Father, did you ever have a- tooth pulled out?” Father (encouragingly)— “Hundreds of ’em, my boy : hundreds of ’em.” “Vot ? You got shtuck two t’ousand tollars ? Dot was enough to hurt any vun’s reelings!” “Oh, I don’t care nodings about mine veelings—it’s der money!” The Parent—“My boy, do you want me. to tell you what happens to boys who tell lies?” The boy—“ Yes, pop, but, golly! can you remember back that far ?” Mr Fijjit—“Say, that’s the rottenest

tobacco I ever smoked!” Mrs Fijjitt—“O, George, you’re smoking up my fancy silk. I put it in your tobacco jar for safe-keeping.” Her Method;—Mistress —“Bridget. I hope you don’t light the fire with kerosene?” Cook —“Divil a bit. mum! Oi wets it down wid kerosene an’ loights it wid a match.”—“Judge.” Sunday-school Teacher —“And- where did he live?” Scholar —“In the desert." Teacher —“Quite right! And what do we call people who live in the desert Scholar—“ Deserters.” Translated—Uncle Josh (reading paper)—“An’ what do they mean by savin’ ‘The difference is purely academic?" Uncle Hiram—“ They mean that it don’t amount to .shucks.”—-“Puck.” “Billy, you have been foightin’ ag’in! Don’t ye know whin ye’re hit on the right cheek to turn the other to yer inimy?” Billy—“ Yes! But he hit me on the nose, and I have only got one.” Father —“I think I’ve scared Bobby out of smoking cigarettes.” Mother—- “ What did you say?” Father—“l told him no boy .seven years old who used tobaoeo would ever grow big enough to

be a polioeman.” Bridget—“ Sure, pliwy do thim Oitalyons be makin’ ready to cilibrate Columbus?” Patrick—“lt’s histry ye sliud study, Biddy. Columbus landed in tlr W est Indies and discovered banannies.” Mrs Waggles—“lf women had the suffrage, politics would be purer. Do yon think they would sell their votes for two dollars?” Waggles—“No, my dear. They’d probably do it for one dollar and ninety-nine cents.”— ‘‘Judge.” School Teacher (to boy at head of class, the lesson being philosophy)—“How many kinds of force are there?” Boy—- “ Three,, sir.” Teacher—“ Name them.” Boy—“ Bodily force, mental force, and the police force.” Tommy—“l’m glad that I' don’t live out in North Dakota. Arthur—“ Why y Tommy—“l have heard that they have thrashing machines out there.” Papa—“ Here! I told you . never to go near that bookcase without my permission.” Willie—“l jest want to look at the history of the United States.” Papa—“ What for?” Willie—“ This paper says the Chicagos was champeens of the League in 1887, and I don’t believe it.

An Appeal for Adjustment.—Freddy —“Papa, mamma promised me a’quarter if I would have my tooth pulled.” Papa—“ Well, Freddy, you got it, didn’t you?” Freddy—“No, papa., I was thinking ’bout the quarter ail’ didn’t make much fuss, an’ so she only gimme a dime-’’—“Puck.” “I have heard both sides of the story,” said Miss Cayenne, “and they were wise to break off the engagement. They found their ideas could not harmonise. Yes. Each said the other insisted on devoting the entire time- to useless and frivolous things. She wanted to talk about golf, and he wouldn’t talk about anything except footbali.” R She —“To live with you, dear George, mi a desert island—to be always near you—that would be my great joy henceforth.” He —“You dear girl. And that is really all you ask for?” She—“ Yes. If there is one other thing I should like when we’re it is that you will take a box at the opera for the season. Will you, George, dear?” The chairman of an Irish election meeting was vexed at the large number of questions asked. - The moment the candidate sat down he sprang to his feet andi inquired, “Has onny gintleman a questhion to ask?” A little man who had caused all the trouble shuffled up to the platform. At the top he was -met by the chairman, who dLealt him a tremendous blow, felling him -to the floor. “Now,” he shouted, “has onny other gintleman a questhion to ask ?” “Boss,” said an old negro, looking in through the post-office stamp-window, “how much does hit tek ter sen’ fo’ letters ?” “Eight cents,” said the gentleman within. “Hush!” “Fact!” The old man studied awhile, got out his leather book, and worried eight coppers out of the lining. Laying these on the counter he drew a long breath and said —“Well, you o*ll let ’em go ’long.” “But where are the letters?” “Whar is day? Why, I done drapt ’em in de hole roun ’yonder!” The letters were fished out, stamped, and allowed to “go ’long!” Mistress : “Are you not rather small for a nurse p* # Nurse: “No, indeed, madam. The children don’t fall so far when I drop them.” “Tommy,” said his uncle, “can you tell me why the enemies of po-or St. Sebastian shot him full of arrows ?” “I s’pose ’twaa ’cause they didn’t have no guns,” replied Tommy. Gyles: “Why do you call that carriage of yours a trap ?” Styles : “Because my wife can never get out of it without help.” “Any Aacancies in your office, sir ?” “Well, you might come in and see if you can fill any of the vacant expressions you will notice on my clerk's faces.” “It has always been my rule,” said Mr Borem, “to spend as I go.” “Indeed,” exclaimed Miss Sharpe, glancing significantly at the clock, “in that way I suppose you have s?ved a considerable amount of mc<o>v”