IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1510, 7 February 1901, Page 14

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

•/" - A little nonsense now and then is relished by th© wisest men. .-—Hudibras. AN AFTERNOON CALL. • Little Girl (to visitor: “Don’t you think I look just like mamma?” Her Mother: ‘‘Hush, dear; don't be vain.” . TN; THE ESTRY An TER SERVICE. ‘“How did you gather such a large congregation of old and middle-aged peo~ pie?” \ . _ . ;i I advertised a sermon to the young,” was. the latter’s reply. J in a oori’AGE at the seaside. Mr Sealove (at his seashore cottage): "My dear, please tell our daughter to sing something less doleihl.” Mrs Sealove: “mat is not cur daughter, my love. That is <--ue foghorn.” ' “B .F. ’S” /Pu USE OumMANDEEREB. General Ba<len I Powelis gratification at feisi ‘popular reception in Capetown s V’. tempered .by a pained remini seen ce. He tells How, walking out of the railway station one nigh t, he was recognised and Surroundeu by a cheering crowd. One of the most- effusive of his admirers insisted upon rielping him into a cab. When . on arrival at his hotel, he put his hand in. his pocket for his purse to pay the fare, withaj( he found! it had been commandeered 1 . A BOARD SCHOOL STORY. In the public schools of some cities measures are taken, presumably by competent officials, to test the children’s eyesight /upon the- assumption—often too well founded—that the parents are ; not /’sufficiently • watchful in that-import-ant particular. A little boy came horn© one day, soon afer the term had opened, with the following note, duly .sighed by the principal: —“Mr Green, / Dear Sir,—lt becomes my duty to in-. . form you that your son shows decided indications of astigmatism, and his case is one that should be attended to with- ' out delay.” ." ’ \ ■■

, The father sent the follow in or answer ■oie next day : —“Mr Kershaw, Dear Sir, -r—Whip it out of him.-—Yours truly, John Green-” TITTLE PRINCE EDWARD OF YORK Prince Edward of York is getting on. One of the latest stories concern in «• him is told' in the “Woman at Home.” Walking in the fields with a friend and his 'nurse near Sandringham, ' the little Prince came across three labourers. The first' pulled his forelock and the Prince saluted as he had been taught to do. The ; - second pulled- off his cap, and again the ■ little oby "saluted-. The third took no .- '•notice;'-: and' went on working surlilv. >m£*rmcb Edward coloured up. “Nurse,” Ire*- whispered, “that man didn’t touch his That. Wasn’t it. wrong?” j 'a .«No,” was the kind reply ; that poor \ man looks so ill and sad, perhaps he felt ;. : too ill to take notice.” V' !V?‘Oh, poor man!” exclaimed the Prince, “I am sorry. I will salu,te him all the / same.” And so he - did. ON THE INSTALMENT ' PLAN. Mrs Tallie: “You said Mrs Wedmuch got her furniture on the instalment plan, didn’t you ?” ■ -- ■ . " ' Mrs Bbrndear : “Yes; she’s had four , hyssbands, an'd( got little fiimitme with each of them”’ i J r - L / / . *' : " "Mrs" Tanque: Don’t you get, awfully tired waiting for your husband to come home ofan evening?” , / . y'y' . Mrs Lush©: “Oh, I never sit up for him! T have a phonograph .in the. hall iwhidh starts talking as soon as he opens ‘ tbe door.” , /' ./ • ; TH#MORNING BAIh. ‘ Ethel: “Captain Young has never paid / in©' any attention before, but he danced with ine four times last night.” • Maud: “Oh, well; dear you must remember that it was a oharito ball!” .vgj village church, r; ~: ’ It happened in. ope of the hill villages, and: th? church in which it'oecurred ‘ is ‘ locifliaea to this day.' Upon .one memorable occasion the. clerk gave notice to the. worshippers to- the following be nae service in, the ' .dbiurh - Tbr m’appefi a matter of fower webfcs; W parson’s hen is sitting in th’ p-uipHt.” * v ~ ■ ' : : ',V old major ity ; : ane-©lectidn' oouhtiy distict, 1 film result of the poll was, as usual, shown p ©». a sheet’ ini front of the Town Hall, ' : stood somethingilike thiia:—U : p- : Umoftist ;v- &px L;v, f ■ 2,467; //? Liberal ;r f :: "v_.Lv -' • ■' • ••’■' 2,4i2r - Majority ... ... ••• , 55 One of the electors, aftpr giving the figures fall consideration,, was heard to

remark to a bystander : “That there Ma-jax-Ity ain’t got mar*/, ’ave ’e ? ' Td ha’ given him mine if I’d know’d it. Poor old veller!” A MILITIA STORY. A Militia colonel’s regiment was required for service abroad, but the members were not in the main desirous of volunteering for foreign service. Marching his battalion in line, the commanding officer brought them vo to the boundary-wall of the parade uround, where he kept them marking time for about five minutes literally vntb their noses to the wall; tiien, lnfor-'iing them of the requirements for foreign service, he Concluded: “Those who do not desire to volunteer, take one step to the front.” As not a man moved, he rode triumphantly off the parade, and reported to the general that every man of the regiment volunteered for foreign service, the major meanwhile dismissing the parade to prevent explanations. FROM SOUTH AFRICA. Army Surgeon: ‘You’ve been very brave to stand all that probing. I’m so sorry I could find no bullet.” Wounded Tommy: “Oh, the bullet’s all right, sir. I’ve got it in me ’avereaek.” • • . ! _ IN THE DRAWING ROO3I. Mr Courtenay (flatteringly): “I had the blues awfully when I came here tonight, Miss Fisher, but they are all gone now.. You are as good as medicine.” Miss Fisher’s Little Brother: “Yes, father says she’ll be a drug in the market if she doesn’t marry you.” HECKLED BY A CHIMNEY SWEEP. At a Parliamenetary election in the North of England a candidate was persistently heckled by a chimney sweep, who appeared at the meetings in his full “war-paint,” that is, attired in his sooty garb, with bag on shoulder and; face and hands unwashed. It was diffi-cult-to shake off this literal “bete noire” but at last the persecuted candidate disposed of his polite manner, with “If the. gentleman in mo'urning —He had mo need to go further, for the crowd, tickled by this description of his opponent, drowned the rest- of t-lie sentence in roars of laughter, and the inquisitive sweep was heard no more. AT THE; AUTUMN MILITARY MANOEUVRES. In a sham, fight which was held in connection with a Volunteer camp lately, asserts “The Regiment,” the invading force was led by am officer whose hand -was better suited to the plough than to the sword. They were marching down, a road, and, on turning a sharp corner, they game across the enemy lying but a short- distance from them. “Charge!” commanded the officer. Away went his men at full speed, and, when they had covered about half the;' distance,, they heard their officer shout. “Come back, come back/ the bale pack o’ ye; com© back to where ye star ted . from,/ and start ower again. 'l’ve for-" gotton to order y© to fix bayonets- .' DO EARWIGS KILL WQ±wS? Apropos of our recent article on earwigs, on© of - our Cardiff readers writes : —Some short time ago, sitting, in a garden 'out-house, I saw an earwig take (a . fat worm, about fovir inches long, by,the. middle of the Hody, and! drag it to; a, joint of two paving stones, one-eighth of an inch apart. Then the struggle ; began. For twenty. minutes it contin-., • ued, the worm doing its best toV get away.ei-TheL ear Wig 'having; its. body ,once down -the joint; kept tugp-ing away .for 'J. all it was -worth,- the worm making ;,;all j kinds of. knots; but down he went, whe- .% tber for food Or not, I cannot say. But what seemed to.me? most remarkable was the fact that the earwig, instead of tak- . ihe: hold of the' ends of the worm,- held. . on to -the middle of the body.—Yours? > respectfully, 'W. 'Griffiths. ‘ ; AL p