IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1508, 24 January 1901, Page 23

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. —Hudibras

CHARLES AND ALGIE. Charles: “Did the tailor take vour measure ? ” Alg.y : “T guess he v did. He said I'd have to- pay in advance.” IN THE CONSERVATORY. He:: “It cost's me ten thousand francs a year to live. ' She: “Is it worth it?” HUSBAND AND WIFE. He: “I always take pains to deny the statement that women can’t throw straight.” She: “That is noble of you, my dead*.” He-: “Yes; I have 1 to remember with what accurate and effective aim you threw yourself at me.” IN THE DRAWING ROOM. Mrs Neighbors DT advertised for a- Plain cook last week, but didn’t receive a slno] o reply.” Mrs Nextdoor: “Take my advice and advertise- for a good-looking kitchen lady, and you’ll be- overrun with applications for the position.” THE BISHOP AND THE CHANCELLOR, Mr Hare, in his new volume of memoirs, has many anecdotes of eminent persons. Here is one- of Lord Thurlow : A clergyman desirous of a living went to the Bishop of London and asked him for an introduction to- the! Lord Chancellor Thurlow. The bishop said, “I should bo willing to give it, but an introduction from me would dtefeat- the* very end you have in view.” However, the- clergyman persisted in his request and the introduction was given. The Lord Chancellor received him with fury. “So- that- awful scoundrel, the Bishop of London, has given you an introduction ; as it is he who has introduced you, you will certainly not get the living.” “Well, so the! bishop said, my lord,” said the- clergyman. “Did the- bishop say so ?” thundered Lord Thurlow. “Then he’s a convicted liar, and I’ll prove- him, so ; you shall have the living.” And the man got it. A REPORTER’S ERROR. It wasi an Exeter Hall orator who used the expression, “a double lie in the shape! of half a truth,” and this the nimble notetaker allowed to pass as “a double eye in the shape of half a tooth.” MISTRESS AND SERVANT. Mrs Johnson: “Has Mr Johnson come home for dinner yet?” Jane: “No-, mum.” “I thought I heard him downstairs.” “That was Le(o growling over a bone, mam.” •' RIVAL BEAUTIES. Anna: “They say I have my mother’s mouth and nose.” Hannah : “Well, your mo their was lucky to get rid of ’em!” UNDER THE MISTLETOE. Babette: “If you kiss me the second time I will scream-.” Pierrot: “I have not kissed you the first time- yeft.” Babette: “I know it!” AT A POLITICAL MEETING. “My friends,” said a politician the other day, “I will be honest .” The terrific outburst of applause which followed this remark entirely upset the point which the orator was about to introduce. IN A TRAMWAY CAR. The near sighted conductor has just remarked: to- the lady that if the child beside her occupies a seat it must pay full fare. The lady: “What do you mean, you loafer? That’s my husband.” A WITTY DEFINITION. Mr Winston Churchill recently defined a candidate for Parliamentary honours as “A man who is asked to stand, wants to sit, and is expected to lie'!” FATHER AND DAUGHTER, Father : “Why did you; let him kiss you r” Daughter: “Well, lie was so nice-, he Father: “But haven’t I told you you must learn to say ‘No’ ?” Daughter: “That’s what I did say. He asked me, if I’d be verv angry if he- kissed me,” * A Newcastle man, who seldom attends church service, wa,s persuaded to hear a sermon last Sunday, and was much impressed. “You are never too old to learn,” he remarked confidentially to a friend. “Now I always thought Sodom and Gomorrah wbre husband and wife, and I find they were nothing but cities.*