SOME ANECDOTES

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1508, 24 January 1901, Page 60

SOME ANECDOTES

MISTRESS AND SERVANT. Dean Ramsey tells of an old Forfarshire lady who, knowing the habits of her old and spoilt manservant, when she wished a note to be taken without loss of time, held it open and read it over to him, saying, "There noo, Andrew, ye keu a’ that's in’t; noo dinna stop to open it, but just send it aif.” HERE IS A GOOD PUZZLE. Tn how many different ways can you spell "Shakespeare ?” The poet himself spelt it in twenty-two. different ways, but it is quite possible that more than that number of variations may be found. AT A DINNER PARTY. The Professor: "Are you interested in psychology Miss Frivol: "Well, no. - I found it-bad go T sold ,mv cycle/’

IN A VILLAGE SCHOOLHOUSE. A country schoolmaster of the old “spare-not-the-rod” kind, one day reccved a complaint from a, pupil that another boy had called him a grasshopper. The offender was called up and punished in the usual way. As he resume I his seat in the class the culprit was overheard to whisper—“By George! I’m glad I didn’t call him a hippopotamus.” A FACTORY GIRL'S WEDDING. Not long ago a workman from the forge and a girl "from the factory appeared before xhe curate of a, Leeds church to be united in matrimony. After the ceremony, on learning that the fees went to the rector, the newly-made bride (much to the amusement of tlie curate), whispered, in a perfectly audible voice to' her husband: “Give him (the curate) tuppence for himsel’!” The lady evidently thought that he deserved the price of a. glass of beer. TRUE STORY OF A VOLUNTEER. On C.I.V. day (says “The Referee”) a stout middle-aged gentleman was standing in front of the kerb while the Volunteers were trying to force the crowd back. The Volunteer immediately in front of the stout gentleman was a slim youth of about nineteen. tie didn’t make the slightest attempt to back into the stout gentleman. Presently the officer came up, and observed the situation. “Shove that man back,” he yelled to tbe little Volunteer. “Give him the butt!” “I can’t sir,’’ gasped the little Volunteer; “lie’s my .Governor.” HUSBAND AND WIFE. I he following is told at the expense of an American gentleman who was recently stopping with his wife' at the Hotel v/ecii. On their first evening there he happened to retire somewhat later than his spouse. Arriving at the' door of what he imagined to be bis room, and finding it locked, he tapped and called “Honey !” No answer came, and he called again more loudly, “Honey!” Still he got no reply, and becoming somewhat uneasy, lie shouted the endearing term with his full lung-power. This time a reply came, and in a male voice. “Go away, you blithering idiot! This is' a bathroom, not a. blooming beehive!” AN ADVENTURE OF TWO AMERICAN GIRLS. One' day the King of the' Belgians was near the gate of his castle when two . American girls took him for his own head gardener. “Would he show them round?” “With all the pleasure in the world/’ And so the three went round the gardens. “I am taking the liberty of showing the ladies round,” said Leopold to his Chamberlain, whom he met on way, and the Chamberlain smiled and passed on. The American girls, their hearts ’bubbling over with gratitude to their guide, rewarded him with a ten-franc piece, 'which they found on the King’s watchchain when, a few days after, they were introduced to his Majesty at a garden party! FROM THE; NURSERY. “I wonder,” said little Harr;/, “if men will ever live to be 500 or 600 years old.” "‘No, I do not think so,” replied his five- a year-old sister, wlm was studying her Sunday School lesson. “God tried the experiment once, and they got sc' bad that He just had to drown them.” DEBTOR AND CREDITOR. A debtor who was sued by nis creditor acknowledged that he had borrows 1 tinmoney, but declared that the p l a; it iff knew at the time that it was a Kathleen Mavourneen. loan. “A Kathleen Maviourneen loan?” replied the Judge, with a puzzled look. “That’s 1 it, Judge—one of the ‘it may he for years, or it may be for ever’ sort.” AT THE CYCLE. DEALER’S. Friend: “I don’t see how you can afford to sell bicycles at such. a. price Slimspoks: “I make my profit on the repairs.” t IN THE COURT OF CHANCERY. The following amusing passage; took place between counsel and witness in a disputed will case : “Did your father give von no parting admonition ?” “He never gave much away at any time.” “I mean to say, what were his last words ?” “That don’t concern you.” “They not only concern me, sir,” remarked the barrister, severely, “but they concern the whole Court.” “Oh, all right. Father said,. ‘Don’t have no disputin’ when I’m gone , Jim , ’cos lawyers is the biggest rogues unhung.” AT A STREET CORNER. A young woman, evidently “from the country,” was seen standing with a perplexed air at cne of the pillar* letterboxes. She was observed to knock several times 1 on the top of the iron box, and obtaining no response, she passed round to the opposite side, and raising the cover of the slit in which letters are placed, applied her mouth to the aperture, and called out (or in), “Can you let me have a. postage stamp if you please ?” AT THE COURT OF LOUIS XIV. When Bossompierre, ambassador to Madrid, related to the monarch how he had entered that city on a handsome mule, “Oh, oh!” said Louis, with a kingly wit, “what, a fine thing to see an ass on a mule!” “Very fine, sire,” replied Bossompierre; “I was; your'Majesty’s; accredited represen--4-<-\ 4-4 wa. T* ill A»o ni niv a■■