IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1424, 15 June 1899, Page 13

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. —Hudibras. “Hubby, did you post my letter?” “Yes, my dear; had to run like furv to catch the first post.” “Why, here it is in your pocket now.” “Hjey? Um—a —yes, so it is—no, this isn’t your letter; this is—-that is, this isn’t the one you wrote; this is the one you were going,to write and forgot.” “John Henry!” “No, Mary, I didn’t post your letter." “Well, I am awfully glad. I want to add a postscript.” A scientist has discovered a way to remove moustaches from the lips of ladies. No prudent lady should allow a moustache to stay on her lips more than a few seconds at a time.

A countryman stopped into a greengrocer’s and invested in three-pennyworth of chestnuts. In about half an hour he returned, and handed the proprietor one of the nuts.

‘What does this mean ?” asked the dealer. “Well,” remarked the customer, “that is the only sound nut I found in the lot, and so thought you had put it in by mistake. I am an honest man. and don’t want to take a mean advantage of a fellow.”

Mrs Chemiok: “How on earth, John, did you remember to deliver my message to-day ?’’ Mr Chemick: “Oh, I found a handkerchief in the street this morning with a knot tied in it !”

“There’s nothing more uncertain than a horse race,” exclaimed the man with a tendency to talk loud. And the melancholy friend responded, “You never worked in a weather bureau, did you?” She : “If you could have all your heart’s desires, what is the first thing you would think of taking?” He: “I would take off the shoes I am wearing and put on a pair that wouldn’t hurt my feet.” Only 500 copies of “A Girl in the Carpathians” were sold in Chicago, until the publishers changed the title and called it “The Adventures of a Girl in Trousers.” Then 33,000 copies went like hot cakes.

“I thought you told me you never drank anything stronger than water,” said Mr Booce’s new acquaintance. “Wat (hie) water,” said Mr Booce with painful dignity, “’s been known to blow up boilers.”

Winter Visitor (in Florida): “ I should love dearly to go sailing, but it looks very dangerous. Do not people often get drowned in this bay?” Waterman: “No, indeed, mum. The sharks never lets anybody drown.” A manager, posing as an authority, went into school one day with the intention of putting the fifth class through their pacings in the geography of Europe. He began; “What is the capital of ’olland?” “Capital II!” was the crushing rejoinder from the smart boy of class. Being unable to fulfil an engagement at a certain town, a lecturer wired—“lmpossible to come to-night; give the audience back their money.” He received the following reply—“We have given the audience back his money, and he has gone home perfectly satisfied.” There is a story told of an old lady who visited Nelson’s old flagship. 1 •‘This,” said the guide, pointing to the brass plate in the deck, “is where Nelson fell.” “And,” said the old lady as, in turning round, she incautiously put here foot on the plate and slipped up, “I don’t wonder at it-’”

“ Your Honour,” said the Irish barrister as he rose to plead his client’s cause. “I shall first prove to the jury that my client did not commit the crime with which lie stands charged. If that does not convince the jury, I shall show that he was insane when he did it. If the jury be even then unconvinced, I shall prove an alibi.” “My bov,’ said a solemn-visaged man to a iad who had just emerged from a hair-pulling match with another boy, “do you expect to roam hereafter in a land of pure delight ?” “No,” said the boy; “I have busted another button, and expect to get licked for it.”

SQUARING HIS CONSCIENCE. Mr Zangwill, in one of his interesting lectures on Jewish life -and character, tells this story : A certain beggar entertained at a home in the Ghetto was caught in the act of stealing a silver spoon. He was called upon for a justification of his offence, which ho furnished in the following manner : “If I took the spoon I violated the Eighth Commandment, which says that ‘Thou shalt not steal’; but if I did not take tho spoon I violated th© Tenth Commandment, which says ‘Thou shalt not covet.’ So having one or the other of the Commandments to break, I thought I might as well take the spoon.” THE RULING PASSION. Everything, even a magnificent cathedral, has to bo regarded from the point of view of the. beholder. A London paper says that two country girls, who acted as if they might be enjoying a holiday from domestic service, were lately observed walking down the aisles of St. Paul’s Cathedral. Under the great dome one of them stood and gazed around her with an air of such wonder that her silence conveyed the impression that her probably limited vocabulary did not furnish her with words to convey her impressions. “Oh- dear, Sarah,” she presently exclaimed. “wouldn’t this place take a long time to sweep out.” THE ONLY FUTURE SMELLS. The “London Chronicle” tells this story of Father Stanton, the well-known London ritualist: ” Chancing to enter into conversation with a visitor to St. Albans, Holborn, who attended the service for the first time. Mr Stanton asked him what he thought of the service. The stranger replied that he liked it ail very well except the incense, to the use of which he strongly objected. ‘I am very sorry for you, my friend,” said Mr Stanton. ‘ The other not unnaturally asked, ‘Why?’ ‘Well, you see.’ said Mr Stanton, ‘there are only two odours in the next world—incense and brimstone—and you’ll have to c-hocse between them!”’ THE GOUT AC. Nothing is sacred from the parodist now-a-days. . A golfing poet of the “World ” is responsible for this cruel adaption of Tennyson’s beautiful lines > “Sunlight and golfer’s robe And one clean shot for me, And may there be no foozling of the globe When I strike off the tee; But such a ball, as rising, seems to pass Quite full through, air and whin. Until it lights upon the well-mown grass And I hole in.” A COMPLIMENT NIPPED. M. Lalande, the distinguished astronomer, dined one day at the house of Recamier, the banker. He was seated between the celebrated beauty, Mme. Recamier, and Mme. de Stael, equally noted for her wit. Wishing to say something agreeable to both Ladies, he exclaimed: “How happy I am to be thus placed between wit and beauty!” “Yes, M|. Lalande,” sarcastically replied Mme. de Stael, “and without possessing either.” A PERFECT DISINFECTANT. Two strangers were travelling alone in the same compartment by an express train. They struck up a conversation. One of them pulled out a cigar soon after starting, much to the disgust of his companion, who was a non-smoker, and who had got into the carriage by mistake. “Yes,” said the smoker, after some desultory chat, “ I believe we’re going to have the influenza this spring. I’m very much afraid of it.” Puff, puff. “I’m an unlucky man”—puff, puff—“and if it’s in my neighbourhood at all” puff, puff—“l shall get it for certain.” More puffs. “Oh, no,” remarked the other, opening the window and coughing violently, “you’ll never get it; you’re quite safe.” “What makes you think so?” “Why, you’re disinfected, sir, perfectly disinfected. Just keep on smoking cigars like that one, and the influenza will never come within half a mile of you —never sir!”