A Comedy of Cow.

New Zealand Mail, 3 December 1896, Page 10

A Comedy of Cow.

BY M. H. TUCKEY,

('Specially written for the New Zealand Mail.) TAEEANT cat by his open door (gjyo and smoked a peaceful pipe. The worst heat of the day was over, and he could smell the good mutton chops his wife was grilling for his evening meal, and he smiled as he thought what a good Cook Nell was. . ■- . He looked across his pretty piece- of garden, with the vegetable plot beyond, and the little grass drive down to the gate, all so neat and nice and comfortable; and he leaned back in his chair, and an indescribable and placid contentment filled his soul.

In a few minutes his wife’s voice fell across his meditations.

4 Couldn’t you go and fetch old Blossom and her calf in before tea, Tom ? —or, no, wait till afterwards; perhaps it would take too long.’ 4 Too long, my dear girl,’ scoffed Tom.' 'Too long, why, she’s just down there at the gate.’ ‘ Yes ; I know,’ returned Mrs Tarrant’s pleasant voice, 4 but she might give you some trouble ; better not go till after tea.' Mrs Tarrant was unwise.

If she had wanted her husband to wait till after his evening meal she had better have advocated his going that very minute; but she had only been married a short time, so that must be her excuse. Tom rose. 4 My dear, 1 think I know Bloss by this time, she will come in like a lamb, and I shall be back before you have dished the chops ’ There was a loud sizzling and spluttering from the said chops as if in remonstrance ; and after an interval Mrs Tarrant said—

4 At least put on your thick boots, Tom dear, it is so. swampy just beyond the gate where they are.’ And her sunny head appeared round the door as she dropped the heavy boots on to the path beside him. 4 No need, no need,’ returned Tom carelessly, as he put his hands in his pockets and strolled off.

4 Why, you could bring her in 3 r ourself without any trouble if you were not such a little coward.’

4 1 am not so sure of that, I don’t trust Blossom like you do -, but, anyhow, mind she doesn’t tread that pretty flax and toitoi patch into a mess, it is so pretty just at the gate.’

4 Oh ! my dear silly girl,’ laughed Tom, 4 wear your thick boots —don’t go till after tea—mind she doesn’t spoil the toi-toi! One would think poor Bloss was a ramping, raging lion from the way you talk.’ Mrs Tarrant laughed too. 4 Well, I daresay I am a duffer ; but I do hate those horned wretches so. I shall never feel at home amongst them like you do.’

‘ I am beginning to despair of you,’ said Tom, semi-seriously, as be closed the garden gate. His wife watched him part of the way down the grass drive, and returned to her ‘muttons,’thinking that her Tom had the best temper in the world. Meanwhile Tom reached the lower gate, opened it, and stopped a few moments leaning over the fence, admiring the fair proportions of Bloss and her calf, who were both capital specimens of the animals bred on the farm.

‘A splendid calf,’ he murmured to himself ; ‘ a capital calf,’ and he called cheerfully, ‘ Hey, Bloss, come up, old girl,’ and pushed the gate invitingly wide open, and stood aside for her to pass in. But Bloss was not ‘ on.’ She looked up, stared a moment, and returned to the sweet grass. , Tom walked a little way behind her, carefully keeping off the wet, flaxy ground. • ‘ Shoo ! Bloss, go along/ he cried loudly. She raised her head, gave it a little toss as if in disdain, and moved not. . ‘ Hm !’ murmured Tom/ bother the old nuisance, I don’t want to go into the swamp ; I’ll heave a rock at her/ ‘Heaving a rock’ resolved itself into throwing a good-sized flax-stick in her direction. This time Bloss was annoyed. She swished her tail, tossed her head up, and retreated round a clump of flax with her calf in close attendance. ‘Ola, this is a nuisance !’ said Tom impatiently. ‘ I wish I had put my gum boots on. However, he stepped utter the truants, carefully going from one tussock stump to another in the swampy ground. Bloss - certainly had a perverse fit on. She walked round and round a flax clump, making the place moro and more ‘ sloshy * for pocTr Tom; and as soon as he tried a mild run she trotted on, just keeping out of range. The calf, too, kept up the same tactics with great success, and Tom began to get unpleasantly hot, and was pretty well splashed and.wet up to the knees of his clean dungarees. After some trouble he chased the pair to a toi-toi bush just near the gate; but here Bloss lost her temper, turned back, and went for Tom, who had just time to defend himself with a flax-stick, and then she trotted angrily off to a patch of firm-looking ground some distance off. ‘ The old brute!’ said Tom angrily, tugging his feet out of a hole .full of water and mud into which he had plunged, in avoiding Bloss’s angry attentions. ‘l’ll pay her out now she is on dry ground,’ and he ho] ped, skipped and jumped out of the wet slodi and ran after the cow and calf with a good stout stick in his hand. No sooner did Bloss see him coming, than she turned tail again and was off; Tom after her as hard as he could go, up and down the firm ground 's flop,

splash into the bog; round and through the flax and toi-toi biishes Which had been the pride of Mrs Tarrant’s heart, but which soon began to loot considerably dilapidated.

Bloss and Tom both lost their tempers, and as soon as ever he succeeded in getting her near the gate she would turn straight round, go at him with her head down so that he had to ship out of the way with more haste than elegance, and she would be as far off as ever in no time. Tom did not swear much as a rule ; but after nearly an hour of this fun the air became alive with oaths and adjurations which echoed in the quiet evening air, and died away in the distance, only rousing some sheep in a paddock near by to mild surprise at such a noise and fuss, and affecting Bloss*not at all. Tom at last made a pause. Tom was excessively hot, cross, tired, wet, dirty, and thoroughly out of temper. He looked up to the cottage. His wife was at the gate making frantic signs and gesticulations to him. < H it all/ said Tom. He knew perfectly well what she meant. Tea was more than ready, she wanted hers, he wanted his; but there was that beast of a cow, and that ass of a calf as far off as ever, swinging their tails with an aggravating air of injured innocence. Tom turned sulkily towards the house then stopped suddenly, * I know what I’ll do. I’ll get Towzer on the job, and if he does not bring that old brute in, I’ll know the reason why. I am not going to\be beaten by a cow and calf.’ He strode off up to the garden gate with stern determination on his brow. ‘ Here you are at last, Tom,’ exclaimed his wife a little peevishly, directly he opened the gate; ‘I thought you were never going* to give up chasing poor old Bloss, and I am just starving !’ ‘ Poor old Blossom—poor !—well I never ! Call that old brute “poor old Blossom !” ’ puffed Tom, nearly choking in his indignation ; ‘ you are a most unreasonable girl, Nelly, really. First, with no earthly reason, you distrust the cow and run tier down, and then when she has proved herself the most aggravating old brute on the face of the earth you turn round and call her “poor old Blossom.” ’ Tom’s tone was distinctly acid ; and to call his wife ‘Nelly’ instead of ‘Nell was a sign of war. Nell appreciated it as such; and being both tired and hungry, resented it more, and was less considerate than she would have been at a more favourable time. • You had better call me “ Ellen," Thomas, while you are about it; and I daresay I may be a fool, but still I had penetration enough to see that that cow was not to be trusted, and you ’ Here Nell turned on her heel, but the inference was plain. This * you’re another ’ sort of reply put the finishing touch on Tom’s temper. With a gust of ‘ swear words ’ such as he had never yet used before Nell, he vanished round the house on the wings of rage, and in a few seconds Nell heard the rattle of Towzer’s chain. She ran outside. ‘ Tom, Tom/ she cried in dismay, ‘ you are never going to let that mastiff loose ; surely you will not be so foolish.’ Unwise Nell again. In after years she learned to manage Tom much better. He walked off with his nose in the air, merely remarking in a severely polite tone, “ I may be a fool, as you have just hinted; but I shall do as I choose, especially as I have lent the other dogs to your brothers for their convenience.’ Nell stood speechless with distress, then ran hastily into the house and shut the door with a resounding bang, and busily occupied herself with pretending to eat a hearty meal, which pretence did not last long. But to return to Tom.

He strode over the ground in a vile temper, pointed out the cow and calf to Towzer, sent him after them, and then stood waiting with gloomy satisfaction to see Bloss punished for her obstinacy, and brought summarily to her bearings with Towzer’s white teeth at her heels. Not a bit of it! She turned fiercely on Towzer, gave him a lift with her horns which made him shake himself; and he, foiled in one attempt, turned his attention to the calf.

Then ensued a scene of the wildest confusion. Tom called, shouted, yelled, howled at the dog, and fairly danced with rage; but it was of no avail. Towzer having once got his teeth into the calf, liked the flavour, and was enjoying himself immensely. Tom and Bloss, united in their efforts for once, tried to get him off. Tom flogged round wildly with flax-sticks, and then with a rail out of the fence. He danced and swore with rage, and at last landed Towzer a blow on the he«*l which knocked him over senseless. But alas for the little calf !

The fine little animal which he had been so pleased with, a short time ago was not only veal but mince veal! Bloss and Tom made this terrible discovery at the same moment; and as Towzer was hors cle combat, Bloss in a frantic moment rushed at Tom, took him unawares, and tossed him over the fence. Giddy, bruised, and utterly enraged and mortified, he picked himself up, and limped up to the house, leaving behind him the fruits of his evening’s work —a dead calf, a stunned and possibly dead dog, an enraged and upset cow, and the much-admired flax and toi-toi bushes stamped and dabbled in the swampy mud. Arrived at the door, he was overcome with giddiness for a moment and leaned against the door-post, rattling the door as he did so. , , Nell came and opened it, ail ready to give him a piece of her mind; but the piteous sight she beheld drove all such thoughts instantly from her mind. c My poor old Tom/ slio and put her arm round her wet, miserable and much-tried husband and gently led him to a seat,

Quarter of an hour afterwards there was cheerful firelight in the comfortable kitchen, and the pleasant sound and smell of fresh chops being grilled; and Nell’s voice remarked laughingly — * Well, Tom, sorry as I am, I see it has a funny side —you went out so perky and you came back so draggled.’ And Tom replied: ‘Well, I don’t see the fun. But, Nell, never tell anybody about it, will you ?’ But she did; and the Comedy of a Cow is the result.