IN LIGHTER VEIN.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1289, 12 November 1896, Page 11

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

THE PRICE OP A CONSCIENCE; Scene : Scotch farmhouse. Time : Sunday morning. Tourist (to farmer's wife) : " Can you lei me hare a glass of milk, please 1" (Milk ia produced and consumed.) Tourist some coppers from his pocket) : " A penny, I suppose V Farmer's Wife : " Man, dae ye not think shame o' yereel' tae be buyin' goods on the Sawbath ?" Tourist (repocketing the coppers) : "Oh, well, there's no harm done. I'm sure I'm much obliged. But won't you have the money for it ?" Farmer's Wife : " Na, na ; I'll not tak less than saxpence for breakin.' the Sawbath." NO DOUBT WHICH WAS THE OLD MAN. In an altercation between counsel and the Judge, the Judge, after several attempts at conciliation, remarked: " Well, I have done all I can to promote peace, but the result reminds me very much of the fable of the old man and the ass." The counsel, with visible irritation in his countenance, wished to know which of those entities applied to him. " Neither in particular," was the reply ; " but considering our respective ages, you cannot object to my saying that I am the old man." TOOK THE JACK. It was just after their first " tiff " following the honeymoon, and John was trying to make it up. " Do you know why I call you the queen of hearts V he asked. " Yes," she replied. This wasn't what he expected her to say, but he had to go ahead. " Why?' he asked. " Because when I married I took the Jack," she answered. He made no further attempt to make it up for thirty-five minutes. TWO KINDS OF COACH. An advertisement appeared lately in a North of England paper which read as follows : COACH WANTED at once, for one month, for subjects of London Matriculation. Address by letter, Box D., Chronicle, office. From the proprietor of a well-known livery stable in the North of England there came the following answer : Sirs, —I have a four-horse coach at liberty, and would be glad to bear further particulars concerning your advertisement of the 11th instant, DID SHE SLEEP IN THE HENCOOP ? " Papa, is Mrs Bigelowvery poor?" " No, Gedric, Mrs Bigelow is well off j don't you know what a nice house she has ?" " But she sleeps in the hencoop, papa " " Why, Cedric ?" * " She said she did." " What do you mean 1" " Don't you remember when she was here to dinner night before last she excused herself, and said she must go home early because Bhe went to bed with the chickens " '

A DAFTIE'S BARGAIN.

About the middle of the eighteenth century a " natural " named Daft Jamie lived in the neighbourhood of Denholm, in Boxburghshire, Scotland, and was occasionally employed by the Laird of Cavers and hia brother, Captain Douglas, who resided at Midshields, to transport them on his back across the water which flowed between their places of abode.

One day Captain Douglas, resolved to have a little fun at the expense of his brother, bribed Jamie with a shilling to let the laird down in the middle of the water Accordingly, having taken Cavers on his back and proceeded with him to the middle of the stream, "Oh, Laird," exclaimed Jamie, standing stock still, «my fuifs caittly !"

" Well, well, never mind that," answered the laird.

"Ay, but I maun mind it," and, notwithstanding orders, entreaties, and threats, Jamie plumped the laird do,vn into the water, to the infinite amusement of the captain,, who stood laughing on the baDk like to split his sides.

Jamie soon returned for the captain, who, thinking of no other trick but his own, immediately mounted, and was carried into the stream. At exactly the same spot Jamie stood still.

" Noo, captain/' said he, " an' ye dinna gie me twa fihillings, man, I'll let ye doon, too \"

It is needless to say that Captain Douglas had to buy himself off from the threatened immersion, besides suffering the retributive ridicule of his brother.