THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1264, 21 May 1896, Page 13

THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest men. —Hummus

THE MAN WITH THE LAW SUIT. M. Quad, who is still on a tour of tho Western States of America, writes : I was going into a town in Arkansas, on horseback, and about three miles away I came upon a man seated on a log by the roadside. His chin was resting in his hands, his shotgun leaned up against a tree, and ho was so busy with his thoughts that ho did not see mo or hear me until I rode up and saluted. Seeing that something was wrong with him, I asked tho cause ; and he got up and came to me and replied: “ Stranger, I’ve binhevin’ a lawsuit, and got beat.”

And you ought to have won ?

“ 1 had. Tho case was as clear as noonday. I sold a fellow a mule for forty dollars, and he paid me twenty-five dollars down and bucked the balance. I ortcr had a verdict as suah as sliootin’.” Well, the law is uncertain.

“ I reckon it is. The suit was decided agin me yesterday. I went borne and got my gun, and was back in town fust thing this mawuin’; but be had gone.” Who?

“The defendant. Couldn’t find hide nor lia’r of him. Tho jedgo was also gono, so was the jury, so was the defendant’s lawyer. Drat ’em—but they all skipped out, and didn’t give mo no show!” No show for what ?

“ Why, what did I go after my gun fur ? What’s she loaded with buckshot fur ? What am I a foolin’ so cast down and broken up about? I was gwineto shut, of cose; but they wouldn’t dun wait!

Well, you shouldn’t take it so much to heart, I said, hoping to consolo him a bit.

“ It’s powerful tuff, fur I was dead right about it,” ho answered, as he looked up the road; “but thar’s one little gleam of hopo loft. Tho lawyer who had my case is coinin’ ’long this way this evenin’, and I’m gwine to bold him under that shotgun till ho hands mo over the ten dollars I paid him to talk for me ! Dog-gone it—but I haint a-gwino to let the hull bilin’ of ’em get el’ar off without gettin’ a shot in oil somebody ! ’Taint human natur’, and it hain’t in the laws of tho sovereign State of Arkansas that I should !”

Mr Meek (on street car) —I find that I have no money to pay my faro this morning. 1 have had my pockets picked. Conductor (bluntly) That old story won’t go here. Pay or git. Mr Meek—lt wasn’t a pickpocket. My wife went through my pockets before I got up. Conductor (sympathetically) —All right. Pay next time.

Hooks—Can you refer mo to a work where I can learn how the ancients constructed those catapults that would throw stonos half a mile ?

Friend—Don’t believe I can. Why do you want such information ? Hooks —Well, you see, I’ve advertised that this house is within a stone’s throw of the railway station, and now I have got to rig up somo plan for throwing that stone.

A peppery parson down East, who was disturbed by his choir during prayer time, got oven with them when ho gave out his closing hymn by adding: “ I hopo the entire congregation will join in singing this grand old hymn, and I know tho choir will, for I heard Them humming it during the prayer.”

Ethel—Wo have a new dish at our cooking club called “scrambled kisses,” and they are just delicious. Jack (vaguely)—Yes, they are the only sort worth having. I It was in the Coliseum. ! “ Pardon mo.” j Seneca leaned forward and touched one ] of Agrippina’s ladies in waiting on tho I shoulder. “ Pardon me, but would you mind taking down your coiffure so that 1 can soo tho arena? 1 am particularly interested in to-day’s massacre.” Her only reply was a swift glance of patrician scorn, for she know he had come in on a press ticket. lwmu has fallen since then but the theatre has not. “ I don’t believe that you love me.” “ But Clara, I have given you proof enough of my love. Didn’t 1 offer to hurl myself out of the fourth story window into the street ?” “ Why didn’t you do it ?” “ Why didn’t I do it ?” I’ll tell you why I didn’t do it. The weather was bad outside. That’s why. It looked as if it was going to rain.” Hopeless—" Why don’t you reform ?” asked the kind lady. “ There ain’t a man on earth more willin’ to lead a decent life nor me,” said Wayworn Watson, earnestly, “ but everybody ’at tries tp reform me insists on mo beginnin’ by goiu’ to work !” Mr Jinks—l don’t know how you will feel about it, sir, but the fact is, my wife, your daughter, is a dreadfully hard woman to live with. Mr Hinks—l can sympathise with you, sir. I married her mother. Pendennis—lf I had known that you wore going to drop in onus so unexpectedly wo should have had a more elaborate dinner. Warrington (wrestling with a tough piece of steak)—Don’t mention it, old man,

but next time I’ll bo suro to let you know.

A young man had been talking to a bored editor for a quarter of an hour, and at last observed:

“ There are somo things in this world that go without saying.” “Yes,” said the editor, "and there are still more persons in the world who say a good deal without going.”

A small boy in Philadelphia wrote tlio following composition tho other day on King Henry VIII.:

“ King Henry 8 was the greatest widower that over lived. He was born at Annie Domino in tho year 1006. He bad 510 wives besides children. The first was beheaded and afterwards executed, and tho second was revoked. Henry VIII. was succeeded on tho throne by his great grandmother, tho beautiful Mary, queen of Scots, sometimes called Lady of the Lake, or tho Lay of the Last Minstrel.”