THE LIGHTNING CALCULATOR.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1264, 21 May 1896, Page 41

THE LIGHTNING CALCULATOR.

By W. L. Auden.

1 1 PC c by your advertisement,’ I said to the doorkeeper of the show, that you hav c a Lightning Calculator. Do you class Lightning Calculators as Freaks?’ ‘Some of them ought to bo classed as frauds,’ replied my friend, ‘ but professionally they belong “Among tho Freaks.’’’ ‘Tell me,’ I continued, ‘how does a man bocomo a Lightning Calculator? Is lie born such, or docs ho achieve lightning caleula- ‘ Well! some of them arc men that arc born chock full of figures. ’This sort are mostly Scotchmen, and they naturally learn the business easy. But most of the Lightning Calculators that I have known have boon men with pood memories, considerable brains and a lot of cheek. Now, you could make a good Lightning Calculator with about six months' study, it’s by no moans a difficult lino. You begin by learning to add up columns of figures two and throe at a time, and m a little while you can add a column of thousands in lc«s time than another man could aid a column of tens. Then, for tho square root racket, you must commit to memory all the square' roots of everythin? up to a hundred, and you can do the samo with cube roots. Then when a man asks you tho square root of, say, 03)7, you just giro him the square root of' ninety-eight, with a thundering lot of decimals, and it makes no sort of difference if the decimals aro right or wrong. Any man with a little memory, and a good deal of cheek, can do the root business in a way that will fill the public with admiration, bill sco, it isn’t allowed to ask the Lightning Calculator any questions that are in any of the arithmetics, because, as you explain, he might have committed the answers to memory; but the questions must be made up on the spot. Nobody can find out while the show is going on whether the Lightning Calculator s answers arc right or wrong, so fie has only to keep cool and bis chance of being caught out is uretty small. . ‘ Mind, I don’t positively say this is ti e way all Lightning Calculators work thengame, for I never asked one of them anything about his professional secrets, but it s the way, I imagine, most of them practise. _ ‘ You may go to every Dime Museum in the country, and you’ll never see a Female Calculator. This always used to strike inn as rather queer, until 1 tried to bring out a Female Lightning Calculator, and then 1 learned why no woman has ever succeeded at tho business. . , , 1 q’lio way it happened was like this: 1 had a Lightning Calculator-Jim Slazcy was his namo who was about as smart as they make ’em;' much too smart, in fact, for bis own good. He was popular among tho rest ol my company, for ho had considerable money, and was always standing beer and sympathising with what he called tho wrongs of the cmMLie day tho Dwarf came to me and said, “ Colonel,'l am delegated to give. you notice that on Monday next we are all going to leav e y °‘ U “ What’s up?’’ said I. “Don’t I treat you well enough, or aro you thinking of Betting up in private life as millionaires r ‘ “ We’ve no fault to find with our treatment, as far as that goes,” said the Dwarf, “ but wo think that there am t no reason why you should make so much money and we should make so little. Were going to run this show on tho co-operative principle, and we shall offer you the place of treasurer and doorkeeper, for wo want a square man lor that position, and we know you are honest whatever else you may be. V. o aro Prepared to give you fifty dollars a week, and I think that is a pretty handsome offer. “‘So do I,” I answered. 11l take the place and try to earn your approval. But, in the meantime, would you mind telling me how you came to find out how much money 1 am was the Lightning Calculator that showed us how things are,” said the Dwarf. “ When lie goes in for figures there is no mistake about lain. He gets tliero eveiy tunc. Now last night you had a good average house, and tho Calculator says that lucre wore four hundred people here in the altornoon, and five hundred and eighty-two m the

I evening. At ten cents each that makes over ( ninety-two dollars. I vo got it all written down on this paper, so there can’t bn any mistake about it. Now, ninety-two dollars a day is five hundred and fifty-two dollars a week, without counting the extra large houses that you generally have on Saturdays Say your rent is twenty dollnrs a. week, <inu your lights and tires are twenty more. 'J lien add to this your salary list, which is exactly three hundred and ten dollars. This leaves you a weekly profit of about two hundred dollars a week, and wo think that it might just as well bo divided among ns, who bring in the money.” ‘ “ All right,’ says I. “ Next Monday wo’ll begin the co-operative plan, and Saturday night you can see how you like it.” ‘Next Monday the Freaks undertook to manage things. They did a good deal ot quarrelling over the programme, for everyI body wanted to about double the length of ! his or her act, and the first programme they drew up would have occupied about tlurtysix hours. Tho Fat Woman wanted to do a song and dance act, and cried when they ' wouldn’t let her do it, on the ground tint the 1 stage wasn’t strong enough ; and tho Wild i Man of Borneo wanted to end his perform i ance by reading an original poom, though, as | a rule, I nm told that wild men in Borneo ! don’t write pooms in tho English language, ! whatever wild men in England or America ! may do. But after awhile they came to some j sort of agreement, and tho programme re- , muined pretty much as I had made it. ‘Saturday night the Dwarf caino to the I ticket-office, after tho show was over, to j count tho house, and when lie found that I ihoro wore only throe hundred and twelve ! tickets, lie said there was something wrong, | for tho Li gh in in? Calculator had counted I four hundred and seven people in the house. I ‘“I don’t deny that,” said I. “But he for ,r ot all about the free list. We vc got j a thundering big free list that averages 1 about one-fourth of the entire attendance. You can’t run this sort of show without it; [ unless you want to bo denounced in all the papers as demoralising the young and eori rupting the old.” . ‘The Dwarf admitted that 1 was right about the free list; and then he wanted to know just how much money would bo coming 1 to the Co-operated Freaks, i 1 “After deducting my fifty dollars,” said I, ; “ and deducting the running expenses, there : will bn about seventeen dollars deficit, which you wi 1, of course, make up to me. You forgot another little item. I give you ail your hoard and lodging, which you couldn t possibly get anywhere else for ten dollars a 1 week a-piece. This has got to bo added to your expenses, unless, of course, you all mean to show yourselves as Fasting Men and Fasting Women. You can’t expect vonr doorkeeper to feed and lodge you for noth-

1 inf*,” • Tho Dwarf consulted over the thing awhile, and then he went and consulted his companions. Tho result was that he came , back and said that they had had enough of 1 co-operation, and would go back to their original system of drawing salaries. I agreed to this, though, as a matter of fact, I should ! have made more money on ft salary of fifty ; dollars a week, which was more than my i average profits. The Lightning Calculator I J discharged the next day, telling him that he calculated more freely than I cared to have ! anyono do who was in my employ. And then i I set out to find another Calculator to take his place. I ‘ There was living in Chicago at the tune a i girl who had been with me some years before j as a Circassian Beauty. She bad left the < business because it didn’t give room for her ' intellect, which was the biggest intellect I ever knew any girl to have. Tho fact was j she was over-engined, and that made her a little cranky at times. She had some money | of her own, and she had only gone on the stage as a Circassian Beauty through love of the profession. It occurred to me that sho was just the sort of woman who could succeed as a Lightning Calculator, and that a Female Lightning Calculator would be a sure draw. So I went to see her and we fixed the ! thing up in no time. . , , ‘ She thought at first that she couldn t learn ! the racket, but when I explained to her how | simple it was, and that the chief thing needed I was cheek, she said she could do it. I gave her tho general outlines of the thing, ana

told her to taka plenty of time ami study it up till she could bo suro not to make a failure on the stage, and thou I went back to my place feeling pretty sure that I bad struck a good thing. ‘ That girl worked day and night, for at the beginning sbe didn't know any more about figures than an ordinary woman, and that is precious little, as you probably know yourself, if you arc a married man. It s a mighty curious thing how figures always throw a woman. '1 hey cm learn to add up a column as quick, and almost as straight, as a man, but the trouble is that they can never learn to keep things separato, and are always adding together things that don t belong together. But women are curious in a great many respects, and the man who has spent forty years in a Dime Museum and still can’t feel that he knows all about them is a living proof that a woman is, as Kit)g_ Solomon says, something that no follow can find out. ‘ In about a month the girl came to mo and said she was letter perfect, and could calculate any Male Lightning Calculator clean out of sight. I trio 1 her with a few simple things, and found that she could do them like a flash. 1 tiicd simple things, you understand. because they have to be done right, whereas the square roots and such arc mostly guess-work, and anyone can do them. ‘ When the time came for her first appearance in public, 1 gave her a first-class advertisement, and the posters, which showed her in red ami yellow tights, calculating with her back hair down, were aione worth the price of admission. Of course, she didn't c.il ntlate in tights, but you’ve got to allow a little artistic licence in your posters, for you can t tic an artist —one of those that makes pictures, you understand—down to bare facts. The novelty of a Female Lightning Calculator took with the public, as I expected it would, and when she made her doebut there was no sort of standing room left in the house. ‘My former Lightning Calculator—Jim Slazcy, the one who was discharged for calculating with too free a hand—was still hanging around the town waiting for an engagement, and. not finding it, he naturally came to sco my Female Calculator. 1 She began well, and added up and subtracted rows of figures at a rate that beat the best time of any previous Calculator. After a little she came to the place in the programme where the audience was asked to set sums for her to add up, and there's where my former Calculator got in his nefarious work. ‘“lf you please, ma am, said he, id like to have you do this sum: Add three thousand nine hundred and seventy-eight dogs to five thousand eight hundred and fifty-six cats, and toll mo what the answer will he.” , , ‘ Quick as lightning the female Calculator answered, “Nine thousand eight hundred and thirty-four.” ‘“Light,” says Jim, “but nine thousand eight hundred and thirty-four what?” Why, cats, I suppose,” said the girl.

1 “ So you mean to say that you can convert dogs into cats by adding them together, do your” asked the chap, in a sneering voice. 1 “ Well, then, there are nine thousand and odd dogs,” said tuo r omale Caleutaloi. ‘ “ No, there ain’t, neither,” said the man, who I could now see was intending to put the girl in a hole. “ You're a long way off, ma’am. Adding cats and dogs together don't, make cither cats or dogs.” -“Then what docs it maker” asked the

girl. ‘ “ It, just makes the liveliest sort ol row, as you’li find, if ever you try it,” sai 1 Jim. ‘ At this the people began to laugh, and the villain was oncouraged to go on with his cussed ness. ‘“I will now ask you,” said lie, "another

simple question. Add five thousand six hundred and seventeen pounds of Hour to thirty gallons of water, one pound of salt and ninety-nine eggs, and tell me the result. ‘ The girl hesitated a minute, and then she said, " Five thousand seven hundred and forty-seven.” . „ ‘ “'that’s right, so f-u* as figures go, said the villain, “ but what do you call the result r Just give it a name, will you r' ‘ l'ha girl didn't know what to say. She rather thought the result was flour, but she wasn’t sure about it. So she thought she would risk it, and said it was “Five thousand seven hundred and forty-seven eggs.”

‘ This time the people didu t wait for any further explanation, but laughed t ill the poor gir] turned pale, and began to lose her nerve. - “ ] =(■<-,” said my old Calculator, as cool ami cruel as an inspector ol a gas-meior; " you're not. quite the sort of Lightning Calculator that the public requires. No, ma’am! that there simple sum when ad-led up don’t make eggs. It makes the pizone.-t kind of cake, as you’ll (iml if ever anybody risks housekeeping with you, and you try to mako cake for him.” ‘ -• Wo will now proceed,” said the wretch, “to do a tow small sums in simple subtraction. To begin, I will ask you to tell me what is left when you take _ twenty-seven thousand threo hundred and eighty-one pair of trousers from twenty-eight hundred thousand seven hundred and thirty-eight men r ‘ “ Thirteen hundred and lilly-seven, ’ said the girl. - “ pjoase tell us what thishyer thirteen hundred and odd would be ?” continued her tormentor. , ‘“Why, they'd he men, of course, said the girl, feeling suro she was right. '“But, there were twenty-eight hundred thousand seven hundred and thirty-eight men to begin with. \\ hat's become ol all tile miesing ones ?” ‘The girl reflected a bit, and then, hall erving, said that she couldn’t exactly say. ‘‘“Folks that set up to be Lightning < 'alculators ought to be able to answer the simplest kind of questions in subtraction” said Jim. “I’ll tell you what has become of them. They have ali gone into the house to put on other trousers. See f” 1 The girl said that she liadn t, come there to bo insulted, and that if anybody was going to ask her any more questions, they must be docent ones.

‘ “All right,” said the follow, who was in the best of spirits, seeing as bow the girl was losing her head, “ We’ll bar trousers, if you consider them improper. Now tell me, it you can, what is left when you take three hundred and six young men away trom seven hundred and four girls. You see J have given you only a three-column sum, since you don’t seem to be quite up to four-column sums ” ‘“There would be three hundred and ninety-eight girls left,” was the answer. ‘ “ You’re quite sure about that, are you i Very well. Perhaps you’ll kindly tell us where the other three hundred ami six girls have goner” ‘ “ They haven’t gone anywhere, said the girl. ‘ “ But there were seven hundr- d and tour of them before they lost their young men, persisted Jim. “Do you mean to tell me

that more than half of them have been just wiped out?” ‘ I’he girl didn’t say anything, but stood and glared at Jim. 1 “Well,’ said ho, “ I see that subtraction is too much for you. I’ll try you with a littlo multiplication, if you multiply seven million nine hundred and twelve boys by three hundred thousand mince pies, what do you get?” ‘ “If yo'i’ro going- to ask me any more questions just you step up here ou tlio stage, and write ’em down on the blackboard,’ said the girl. ‘‘•Just as you please,” said Jim: and with that he steps up on t ho stage and begins to write down his figures, turning, of course, his back to the girl while lie was doing it. Before he had got fairly started, she had him by the hair with one hand, and was culling his ears with the other.

‘ “ t can’t add nothing, can’t 1r” she yelled at him. “You add all them cuffs to-geth-r, and see how much they make. 1 can’t do no substruction neither, can’t I? How much hair will you have lclt -liter I got through substnicting it.?’ and with that she rakes out a handful of hair, and gets a fresh hold of his whiskers, "'ll oil'll come here with your fool questions, will you?” she continued : “ I'll learn you how to do Lightning CVdilating!” and she fetches him one on tho nose that started the claret very lively. ‘1 judged it was about time for me tr* interfere, so 1 just took Jim by the scruff o'the neck, and ran him out of the show, whilo the people gave three cheers lor the girl, am threo more for me. But it was too late. A> a Lightning Calculator she was ruined. Sin offered to extract square roots, and all that, but nobody cared to listen to bo.', airl sin went homo weeping. The next day she threw ii)> her engagement, which saved me the trouble of breaking it. for she was a dead failure, and 1 couldu L possibly have kept hei

‘ Now you can see why a woman can never succeed as a Lightning Calculator. They cm never learn that you nm-ti't add different kinds of things together.. It’s what the scientific chaps call an idiot-wuerucy, and yon can t get it out ot a woman, no matter how much pains you may take with her. Tin' Million.