THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1261, 30 April 1896, Page 11

THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

A little nonsense now and then, Is relished by the wisest men. —lluuidras,

Included Him.—lt was in an omnibus, and an ill-bred male passenger made a grimace when the very stout old lady got

‘ Hippopotamus 1’ he exclaimed under his breath, but so loudly that the old lady heard him.

1 Sir,’she said, ‘you know an omnibus is like Noah’s ark : it takes in all the animals —even donkeys !’

Corrected. —Teacher: How would you correct tho sentence: ‘He sat there quiet and listened to the bagpipes’ music ' ?

Pupil: I would scratch out the word music.

Unjust.—She (indignantly) : I don’t think you give us girls credit for thinking of anything else but dress. He (suavely): Oh, you wrong me, indeed ! I do give you credit for thinking of some f hing more than dresses. She : Of what else, then ! He: Bonnets.

A Real Test. —Tho Soulful Girl: What is the true test of poetry ? The Poet: Well, if ono can get a poem accepted that is written clearly on both sides of tho paper he may rest assured that it is a good thing.

Capped.—A gallant old gentleman of tho name of Page, finding a young lady’s glove, presented it to her with the following words :

“ If from your glovo you take the letter G, Your glove is love, which I devote to thee.”

To which the young lady returned tho following neat answer :

“ If from your pago you take tho lettor P, Your pago is ago, and that won’t do for me

On the Rack. —Inquisitive Juvenile : Have you ever been to sea, Miss Antique ? Miss Antique : No, dear, I nover have.

Inquisitive Juvenile : That’s funny. I heard papa say you were wrecked on tho shores of time.

‘ Professor, would you advise mo to make ft poet or a painter of my son ?’ 1 A poet—paper’s cheaper than canvas.’ • Didn’t you tell me that Miss Design was an artist'?’ ‘ Oh, no ; I told you she painted.’ Tho difference between a poet and a poet laureate is that one is born, while the other is mado.

Peggy (quoting Hamlet) : ‘ If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool.’ Maude : 1 Oh, Ileggy, this is so sudden.’ ‘That new baby of Youngfather’s is a remarkably wide-awake child.' ‘So I've heard. We live next door to it.’

1 Why doesn’t Daniels take that painting of a cow home instead of hanging it in his office?’ 1 Oh, his wife is afraid of cows.’

‘ You will be bound over to keep tho peace toward all Her Majesty’s subjects for six months,’ said the magistrate. 1 Well,’ replied Bill Sykes, ‘ 'ovin help tho fust furriner I comes across !'

Husband : ‘ You sharpened your load pencil last night, didn’t you ?’ Wife: 1 llow did you know ?’ Husband : 1 I have just been trying to shave myself.’ 1 There are fourteen varieties of apes in Venezuela,’ he said after a long silence. ‘ And only ono variety here,’ she responded sadly. And again the silence settled upon them. A Chicago heiress, visiting Paris recently, was shown the spot where Louis Seize was executed. ‘M}’!’ she exclaimed in dismay, l is he dead ? We were going to get our noo furniture off him.'

Small brother: ‘ Marie, does your sweetheart stutter ?’ 1 Marie : ‘No ; of course not! What made you think of such a thing?’ Small Brother: ‘Then why does 110 write, “My dear, dear Mario " ? ’

Willie (who lias eaten his appl 0

‘ Mabel, let's play Adam and Eve. Y>u be Eve and I’ll bo Adam.’ Mabel: ‘All right. \WII ?’ Willie: 1 Now, you tempt me to eat your apple, and I’ll give in.’

‘Tommy,’ said a thoughtful mother, ‘ your Uncle William will bo here to dinner to-day, and you must wash your face.’ ‘ Yes, ma,’said the thrifty Thomas, ‘ but s’poscn 110 don’t come ; what then ?’ Aunt Jane (trying to amuse Katy, who has come to spend tho day): ‘Oh, see pussy washing her face.’ Precise infant (with scorn) : 1 She’s not washing her face; she’s washing her feet and wiping them on her face.’

A little student of grammar, explaining how the subject and predicate could bo enlarged, gave as an example : —‘ Boys run ;’ then amplifying it to ‘ Eat boys run slowly,’ stated that fat was tho enlargement of boys.

‘ I came acres? one of your old letters to-day, George, in which you said you would rather be in endless torment with me than in bliss by yourself,’ said Mrs Magun to her husband. ‘ Well, my dearest, I got my wish,’ said the brute. 1 Tho house is desirable in every respect except one,’ said the estate agent to tho intending purchaser; ‘it is not furnished with hot water.’ 1 Oh, never mind that,’ replied the house-seeker with a sigh, 1 1 have been married fifteen years.’