THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1260, 23 April 1896, Page 11

THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

Mr Fortune Hunter: “Ah, my dear Miss Snobhill, Speak the word that will make me the happiest of mortals/’ Miss Snobhill (the wealthy heiress); “ Money.”

An American gentleman was talking of a little game of poker, down in Texas sometv here, in which he had taken part. “The man on my right,” bo said, “held fourkings and an aco. The man on my left held four aces and a king."’ “And what did you hold?” someone asked.

“ Well, I was acting-coroner at the time 1 guess 1 held the inquest.”

“ If you aro innocent,” said a lawyer to his client, an old darkey, who was charged with stealing a ham, “ wo ought to be able

to prove an alibi.” “ I don’t ’spects we ken,” the darkey replied doubtfully. “ At what time was the ham stolen ?” " ’Bout lebben o’clock, dev say.” “Well, where- wore you between eleven o’clock and midnight—-in Imd l” “No sail; I wall hidin' do ham

Overheard in a ’bus. —Quarrelsome Parly (after altercation about seats, to Fellow Traveller;.' '' What is your opinion of the matter ?” Fellow Traveller: “ I think yob tiro an ass to take notice of such a trivial affair.” Q. P.: “Well, what do you think of him ?” F. T.: “He must be an ass to take notice of an aS3 like you.” (Both left pondering)--/'"!'. Little Janet, aged four, noticed the other day at dinner the rest of the family' helping themselves liberally to the mustard. Nobody offering her any, she waited until something drew av/ay the attention of the others, when she lifted the mustard spoon, liberally daubed a piece of bread which she was eating with the fiery condiment, and took a substantial bite. Her hand immediately went up her burnt mouth; but bravely suppressing an outcry, she put the bread away, remarking, “I think I’ll wait till that jelly gets cold.”

He was a very small boy, and very ragged, but there was a look in his eyes ot shrewd intelligence beyond his years. His left hand lie held behind his back, but his right was extended, and between two grimy fingers ho held a half-smoked stump of a cigarette. He had his eye on a well-dressed man who was walking jauntily along swinging his cane.

"Say, mister,” said the boy, “ gimme a match, will yer, please.” The man stopped good-naturedly, ami smiled when he saw the dirty cigarette stump. He made a pretence of searching his pocket for a match, and finally said, “ J haven’t got one, bub.” The boy hastily slipped the stump into his pocket, and withdrawing his left hand from behind his back displayed a large box containing an assortment of small boxes.

“If you ain’t got no matches,” said jhe, “now’s a good time for yer ter buy. 1 got ’em all, wax and wood, an’ some that won’t blow out in do wind, an’ udders w’at will. Yer takes yer pick.” He sold two boxes for a nickel.

Passer: “Ah, good morning. How has your father been since I saw you last ?” l’at: “Niver a change, sor. lie’s loomberin’ around wid do owld complaint.” Passer: “Does the doctor give him any hope?” Pat: “ No, sor. An’ bo jabors, Oi behave that’s about de only thing he hasn’t given him.”

Business-like Yankee (in the near future): “Beg pardon for intruding, sir, but you are the Governor of these islands, are you not!” Territorial Governor of Hawaii: “ I am, sir. What can Ido for you ?” Business-like Yankee: “I notice one of your volcanoes smoking. I’d like to sell you a down-draught furnace for it.”

Sir William Gull, the famous physician, was a man who believed in doing well whatever bo undertook. One of his favourite quotations was : “If 1 was a tailin' I’d make it, my pride The best, of all tailors to be ; I f i was a tinker No tinker beside Should mend an old keltic like me.” Tim owner of a small Shetland pony tells the following story. When purchased the pony had never been shod. It was shod at once. Later it came to the blacksmith’s shop unattended and unh,altered, and when driven away returned again. The smith finally found one shoo gone. He promptly shod the foot, when the pony stamped it a few times as if settling the shoe into better position, and then, wilha happy little neigh, trotted off home.

A sporting gentleman, who has the reputation of being a very bad shot, recently invited some of his friends to dine with him. Before dinner he showed them a target painted on a barn door, with a bullet in the bull’s eye. This he claimed to have shot at one thousand yards’ distance. As nobody believed him lie offered to bet the price of an oyster supper on it. On one of his guests accepting the wager, he produced two witnesses whoso veracity could not bo questioned to prove his

assertion. As they both said that lie had done wluit he claimed, he won his bet.

At dinner the loser of tho wager asked how his host had managed to firo such an excellent shot. The host answered — “ I shot the bullet at the door at a distance of one thousand yards, and then I painted tho target round it.”

Young Wife: “ When my husband gots cross 1 always threaten to go home to my mother.”

Old Wife; “Mercy, child! how simple you are! You should threaten to invito your mother to como to you.”

Baroness (to lady companion): “ The beginning of this novel is horribly dull. Have the goodness, Friiulcin Brockhardt, to read the first two or three chapters to mo; I will then go on with the fourth.” [Made in Germany.— Ed.]

Countryman (to penny museum freak): Are you the Wild Man of tho Borneo woods ?”

Freak: “ No, sir, I’m the homed man from tho fastnesses of tho Dark Continent. Wantaphotographonly-ono-aud-fi’-ponee ?” Countryman: “Where’s your horns?” Freak i “ I had a head-acho, an’ took ’em off. The photographs have got ’em on, though.”

Ho: “Miss Kitty, I’ve heard it said that a kiss without a moustache is like an egg without salt. Is that so?” She: “AY ell, really, I don’t know—l can’t tell—for in all my life I never ■” Ho : “ Now, now, Miss Kitty!” She : “ Never ato an egg without salt.”

In a proclamation issued by the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, it is set forth that, “ Whereas the greatest economy is necessary in the consumption of all species of grain, and especially in tho consumption of potatoes,” ac. It was an Irish lawyer, also, who, in an action for assault and battery, informed the judge that “ the defendant beat his client with a certain wooden instrument called an iron pestle.”

“ It ivtut a severe punishment,” said tho father, self-reproacbfully, “but it answers the purpose. It keeps Johnny from running in the street.” “ Why, how did you punish him ? You didn't cripple tho boy, did you?” “No. J bad his mother cut his hair for him. You ought to see tho poor boy. He daren’t show himself;” and tho proud father wept bitterly.

A swindling firm once advertised that it would send for the small sum of 2s Oil a recipe, which, if followed to tho letter, would keep poeple from growing old. Some credulous persons answered tho advertisement, remitting tho required fee, and received tho following reply: “Wo would advise all such idiots as you to commit suicide tit about the age of twentyfive.”

“ r should like to bo excused, your lordship,” sa id a man who had been summoned on a jury. “ What for ?” “ I owe a man live pounds, and I want to hunt him up and pay it.” “ Do you mean to tell this Court you would hunt up a man to pay a bill instead of waiting for him to hunt you up ?’’ “ Yes, your lordship.” “ You are excused; I don’t want any man on tho jury who will lie like that.”

There is a boy in Leeds who, though but ten years of age, has all the making of a little snob about him. He recently called on a school friend, and fell in conversation with his friend’s mother. Ho finally remarked that it was getting very hard to toll from tho places in which people live whether or not they aro entitled to social consideration. “Now, there’s Blank street,” ho said; “you wouldn’t think anybody wav much that lived in Blank street, would you? But there’s Mr Tomson, ho lives there.” “ And is Mr Tomson much ?” “Mr Tomson!”—with the air of ono overwhelmed by astonishment that such an obvious fact should escape anybody. “1 should think he was ! He’s an awful swell! Why, he won’t speak to my father!”