SOLD.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1248, 30 January 1896, Page 40

SOLD.

It was at Auckland (M.L.). Three of us were concerned —young Hiram A. Parker, of Boston (U.S.A.), globe-trotter ; Stimson, I youthful, but mate of an American ship; j and myself, Thomas Dana, Maorilander. We lived at the same hotel, and together tinted the town. Most of the trouble was due to that glittering idiot, Parker, his desire to experimentally smohe opium, and his deranged habit of carrying a pitiful instrument he called ' my gun/ with which he could hit nothing, even on oath. The balance of the perplexity was due to Stimson and his morbid craze for practical joking. I, naturally guileless, was led into it all. # * # # Only Parker and I went opium-smoking. Stimson declined, probably anticipating disaster. The malign wisdom of the serpent was Stimson's. He said he was " too fatigued" to take his exaggerated feet off the balcony rail. Parker and I hired a private room from a Mongolian in the Chinese quarter for our opium debauch. Parker smoked five pipes, and then made even more kinds of a United States lunatic of himself than usual. Ultimately he emptied his usual ' gun ' at the lamp and missed. No one noticed, because the thing made less noise than a healthy cracker. Six Chinamen conveyed Parker, who, though minute, was vivaciously vicious, to a cab. He made me a commodious footstool returning. Next morning, after breakfast, Stimson and I smoked in the balcony, while Parker, in the bar, mixed himself the alburnenized abomination termed ' egg-cocktail/ which invariably made the barmaid ill to look at. I narrated to Stimson, though Parker had forbidden me, the over-night transactions. Stimson's unholy mind at once went to work to concoct catastrophes. ' Have you noticed/ he asked, e that Parker has a peculiar fear of English law ?' ' I have.' ' Parker thinks English police can sentence a foreigner without trial, eh ?' I said 'yes/ because I had once, when bilious, or Parker had fired too much ' gun' or something, acquainted the Bostonian with this great principle of British jurisprudence. ' Well, I reckon there's trouble ahead of Parker. Where did the bullets go last night ?' said Stimson. ' Stuck in the wall. They wouldn't go through hot butter, you know. There they are.' ' Does Parker know you have them ?' ' No ; he thinks that squirt of his a Krupp, and that the bullets hurtle through space.' Here Parker came on the balcony, smiling a fat smile, his mouth plastered with egg and stickiness. Stimson, affecting not to see him, went on like this: 'Yes, I guess it was just awful. A Chinese grandfather, a Chinese grandmother, and a grandson, were all shot dead through the wall of the next house, an opium den. Six shots, the detective just told me, had been fired from an American revolver/ Parker bucked, audibly. * There's nothing about it in the paper yet/ drawled Stimson, ' won't be, till they arrest the murderer.' The balcony quaked as Parker shivered, and crept closer to us. ' If they catch the assassin the police m this country can hang him without trial, can't they ?' said Stimson. ' Under section 73, Charles 1., cap. 404, they can't (Parker looked relieved)— unless he happens to be an alien. They can execute suspected foreigners at sight/ The balcony quivered as if from earthquake shock. ' Well, I hope they 11 catch the brute/ and Stimson yawned and loafed down stairs. < Wh-a-at's all that ? asked Parker, white as pallid death. I repeated Stimson's story. ' Holy Hosea! what shall we do ?'. < We ? I ».ave nothing tn An wrfch ih IWg~

Parker. Don't blame me for your murderous folly/ ' You ain't going back on me., Dana ?' he whined.

' No, though you have killed three unoffending Chinese. The police are bound to hang someone for those murders. If they don't trace you they'll hang some other alien. Surely you couldn't let an innocent man hang for yonr crime ?' ' Oh, I think I could,' he rejoined.

Here Stimson burst upon us. * The police are below !' he said, excitedly. ' They are searching! They've traced the murderer here. Sainted Samuel!' he gasped, as if with sudden enlightenment, ' you boys weren't up to any devilment last night with Parker's gun ?' . But Parker was already in retreat. He snatched the key of the box-room from its hook, vanished into that dungeon-like and rat-haunted hole, and locked himself in. Stimson fell into a balcony chair, and wheezed and laughed in his interior till he was indisposed. The landlord appearing, and learning the tragedy, promptly had apoplexy or something. It was agreed that it would conduce to Parker's eternal welfare to permit him occupation of that box-room for a term. When the landlord recovered enough he started downstairs, and sent up people to console Parker through the keyhole. A waiter came first and whispered sympathetically — 'Mr Parker, sor, sure the polis, hell to their sowls ! is searching your room, sor !' Parker said, faintly—- ' My poor mother !' Sandy McKenzie, of the bank, groaned into the keyhole—- ' Murderer, the peelers have found your gun!'

Then Stimson — • Say, Parker, are there any of your fixin's you'd like sent home, so's they could keep your memory green when you're dead ?' ■> Parker said —

'Go away! Oh, do go, Stimson. The police may trace you here. Go a,—way, do!' We all pretended to leave. The barmaid stole to the keyhole. ' Hiram,' she cooed, ' I shall never see you again! Here's my scissors under the door ; see them ? Cut a lock of your pretty hair and pass it under.' She sobbed, winking her disengaged eye at us. There was a sniffling and snipping, and then about ten short sandy hairs were thrust through the key-hole, and Parker blubbered —

• I've kissed my handle of the door; you kiss your side. Good-bye !' There was a pause, then Parker called—- « Miss Mann—Carrie !'

' Yes, Hiram.' 'You might mix me an egg-cocktail. I could suck it through a straw through the keyhole—plenty of sugar, dear Carrie.' She could only say — 'The police! They're coming !' and go into the balcony and scream. We all screamed a good deal. # * ,# *

We permitted Parker two hours' rumination. Then the landlord reflected that Parker's absence from the bar involved loss of trade. So I went to undeceive Parker. Several persons accompanied me. ' All right, Parker! Come out!' No answer. • Unlock the door, Parker, you blazing idiot.'

Deathly silence. The landlord waxed very "glum. We consulted, then kicked open the door. Parker was gone! He had squeezed through the small, high window, dropped on the roof of an outhouse, and gained the ground. Stimson and I writhed with merriment. The landlord didn't. The rest regarded Stimson and myself in the light of Parker's destroyers, and recounted the manifold virtues of the absconder, meaningly. The day passed. No Parker ! The night—no Parker! P üblic feeling in tho hotel unmistakably condemned us twb. It was astonishing how everyone had loved Parker, though they had given no previous hint of their affection. We searched the town for him. No traoe'.

In the evening of the next day Stimson and I went into Parker's rooms, ordered whiskies there, and watered them with our tears, regarding his voluminous properties, which he loved, with sad eyes, picturing him stark, cold, and dead, floating in the harbour. We had more whisky and thought of his bereaved relatives. The door was softly opened.

There stood Parker. Stimson ejaculated—- • It's his ghost!' and crawled unostentatiously under the bed. But Parker said—

"Tisn't any time for fool-acting. I've only an hour to pack. I've taken passage to Sydney.' Stimson crawled out and got possession of Parker's 'gun/ which the latter was looking at with fearful surprise, thinking the police had seized it. Said Stimson —

* Parker, my bumptious Boston boy, it's all a flam, a hoax, a sell. You killed no one —you couldn't if you tried. The police are not after you—and ' But Parker had rushed and «downed' Stimson, strong as the latter was, and was attempting to chew him. Suddenly relinquishing that victim he discharged furniture and jugs at me, sat down breathless, sobbed, laughed, used profane language, and finally remarked—- * Let's have cocktails.' Over them he told his ingenuous story. He, after escaping, made his way by back streets to the wharf, purchasing sailor's clothes (in which he was dressed) en route, and had then taken boat to the American sailing ship, Jabez Snow; Jabez Snow, master. He confided in that conscienceless dqwn-easter, with the result that Jabez

previous night Parker had sadly spent on Mount Eden. That day he had hidden on board the Jabez Snow. ' Now,' he concluded, ' I allow to get that 500 dollars back from that pirate Snow, and if you boy's don't help there's going to be real murder.' Stimson become excessively contemplative, his custom when revolving excessive rascality. After a time he said — ' Guess I've a scheme.' * # # * They burst into my room next morning. Said Stimson to me—- ' You've got a swallow-tail blue coat with brass buttons, white satin facings, and gilt plastered all over, in which, when you were j a mean second mate of a lirnejuice ship, you used to attend bun-worries in England and tried to induce people to think that you belonged to the British Royal Navy—you know you did, you unbridled young ass. I want that coat.' And they took it, my most cherished possession, for which I owed a London outfitter untold moneys. And Stimson forced me to put on my second best uniform, a frockcoat profusely gilt, also a uniform cap. My coat and pants and cap were six inches too short for Stimson, and when he had fitted himself into them and torn them, he was a spectacular outrage. We put waterproofs over all, cabbed to the wharf, took boat, and pulled towards the ship. When we got near, Stimson produced handcuffs and put them on Parker, pulled off his waterproof, told me to do the same, pulled out two police truncheons, and proceeded to instruct me, while the boatman thought he had shipped a private lunatic asylum. 'Now,' said he, finally, 'it rests on you to bluff Jabez Snow, who's one of the hardest nails ever sailed out of an American port/ 'And why not you?' I asked. ' Why, you thickheaded Britisher, because if I open my mouth, Snow will know, from the purity of my English, I must be an American.' We hooked on to the Jabez Snow, and I swaggered up, feeling small. There was a big, powerful, unpleasantvisaged person, chewing tobacco, in a silk dust-coat and a sun-hat on the quarterdeck, to whom I said, with hauteur — ' Are you the master of this ship ?' ' Thet's so.' ' Well, I am the principal pursuivant and chief high herald of the Supremest Court of Judicature of New Zealand. In the name of Her Gracious Majesty the Queen of England and Empress India, I arrest you for being,accessory, after the fact, to the murders, by Hiram A. Parker, of Amuk, Hong-Kong-Poo, and Alio. Anything you may say in your defence will be used against you.' ' Stranger,' remarked Jabez in a very warlike tone, 'produce yer derned warrant !' 'We act,' I replied with dignity, 'by summary jurisdiction in nisi prius sine die. Assistant pursuivant, bring up your prisoner.' When they were on deck I gave the word of command—- ' Draw truncheons !' and our clubs flashed from their scabbards.

The sight of the Royal Arms on the truncheons, and Stimson's uniform did Snow's business. He chewed briskly for a minute, and then enquired—- ' Wal, what's to pay, anyway ? I said we wouldn't arrest him just then, if he'd give parole, and deliver to custody of the court any effects the prisoner Parker might have left on board.

Said Jabez—'The skunk didn't leave nary stick nor stitch.'

Endeavouring to look terrible, I remarked —

'Jabez Snow, mariner; if you do not immediately deliver to the court the hundred pouads the assassin Parker left with you yesterday, I'll signal yonder gunboat and have you arrested. Assistant pursuivant, return with your prisoner to the boat, and prepare to board Her Majesty's ship Snake.'

Jabez took a couple of turns and three expectorations. ' Guess it's got to go,' he said at last. ' Wait a bit; I'll get the money.' He went below, returning after a time with a long old netted silk purse with rings. The ends of the purse were stuffed with sovereigns. I counted fifty at each end, pocketed the purse, stepped to the gangway and exclaimed—

'Jabez Snow, attend the Supreme Court at eleven to-morrow. Fail at your peril.' I solemnly added, as an afterthought, and desiring to be impressive, 'Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!' * As I went over the side Jabez murmured soft and lo v

' Oh no ! Oh no ! Oh, dern my cats' eyes, no !'

Next day, looking out on the harbour, we were relieved, but not surprised, to find the Jabez Snow gone.

Then we told all men how we had overlaid that cute commander. At night we recounted the story, amended and improved, to a full audience in the smokingroom.

One by one the audience went out. Stimson, Parker and I Avere alone left. There entered a saturnine stranger who, critically regarding us, walked up and clapped handcuffs on Stimson and me while we were wondering who he was. 'l'm detective Cowson,' he remarked, ' and I arrest you two for obtaining money by false pretences from one Jabez Snow.' * # # # How Parker worked Mr Cowson we never knew. But we were not locked up in gaol. Lucre passed between Parker and the policeman—,£loo to be precise— Parker guaranteeing to keep us locked up, in case of accident, till Saturday night (it was then Thursday), when the Union Compaay's steamer left for Sydney. We wflrfl to h Q placed aboard and detective

himself, as he insisted, to put the other police off the scent. Parker hurried us to that infernal box-room, and there we stayed, without bedding, lights, or liquor, and the scanty food which Parker managed to abstract from the table, so he said, for 48 hours. Parker was very thoughtful though. He frequently communed with us through the keyhole, and, from certain sounds, we sometimes fancied others were there. We paid him back—he went to our rooms, brought our purses—we gave him ■£so each —the £IOO bribe he had paid the detective. From about noon on Saturday no one came near us. At S p.m. the landlord unlocked the door. ' I've just received the key and this note from Parker,' he said. ' Parker left for Sydney by the Tarawera an hour ago.' This was the note : Yes, you're smart, but not smart enough. The £IOO you wild asses gave me for the sham detective will just pay my Sydney flutter. Bless you my children! There's no need to keep i/our memory green I —Thine, Hiram Abiff Parker. The young fellow who brought the note remarked — 'Just before the ship sailed your friend flew into a great rage. Ho looked at an old-fashioned purse he had full of what seemed sovereigns. When he examined them, he found all but the three nearest the rings on each side rank duffers. He said he'd lost £94 by that deal. His language was awful.' Stiuson smiled a cold, cruel smile. ' The poor Boston boy ! The £SO-note he took out of my box was a forged one which I. kept as a curio. Jock McKenzie gave it tome. Good little fellow Parker; but — young.' 'Where do I come in?' 1 said —'I've lost £SO !' ' You're a Britisher. Britishers don't come in with the great American nation. — J. Evison, in the Bulletin.