ECHOES OF THE WEEK.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1204, 29 March 1895, Page 19

ECHOES OF THE WEEK.

Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet To ran amuck and tilt at all I meet. Pope.

BY SCRUTATOR.

SOME of the Opposition papers are reproducing with great glee an article which recently appeared in the London Times dealing with the present government of this colony. One extract will suffice : •'The fear which is spreading in financial circles in this country is that the New Zealand Government, composed as it is of relatively young or inexperienced men, does not fully realise the extent of the liabilities for which it is Shaking itself v, « Relatively young or inexperienced men. What is the actual meaning which the so-called Thunderer attaches to the expression " relatively young." None of the present ministry are what I should call young men. Both Messrs Seddon and McKenzie are a good deal "more than seven j" Mr Cadman and Mr Ward couldn t well be termed youngsters, and even Mr Reeves, the "bold, bad boy" that the i Opposition press love to picture him, is nearer forty than thirty. What do the , Times and the Opposition papers here want t A government of septugenarians, a collection of good old fossils ? Bah! the day has gone by when it was a crime to be young. To be strictly correct, the present ministry is a ministry of men in the prime of life, vastly better equipped, both mentally and physically, to deal with great problems ; than would be a collection of doddering old fellows. We don't want a government made up out of the "lean shanked," old would-be wiseacres, who whine away in the Council about the wickednes3 of progressive Liberalism. And as to the Ministers being •• inexperienced," what does the Times mean by that? Messrs Seddon and McKenzie have served for years in local bodies, have gained a practical acquaintance with our colonial usages and requirements ; they are ho clever concoctcrs of fluent platitudes, cribbed for the most part from the magazines and reviews, as so many English and not a few colonial politicians have been, but practical common sense men of the people, men who know the want of the masses and strive loyally to compass the better social condition of those masses rather to safe-guard and add to the selfish interests of the classes. And herein lies their chief crime—with the classes and newspapers which are written in the interests of the few. As to the waitings of the Times about the alleged fears of the English capitalists on the subject of New Zealand finance, we have as a set off against the pessimism of the Times and the malicious and unpatriotic misrepresentations of the colonial opposition press, the declaration of the Colonial Treasurer that he cannot find any trace of dissatisfaction in the City with our finance.

THERE is a good deal of difference of opinion as to whether much whisky has been sold in the Clutha Prohibition district, but a gentleman recently from the south tells me that a vast amount of vile stuff has been sold in the sly grog shops which wasn't whisky at all, and that he was assured by a medical man practising in the district that if the so-called Prohibition continues, a number of poor wretches would have to be gent to the lunatic asylum. The fact of the matter is, according to my informant, that Prohibition in the Clutha district may mean the stopping of whisky drinking, but it has certainly brought a much worse evil, namely, the wholesale consumption of the vilest poison ever sold in the shape of alleged alcohol. The Dunedin Star, I notice, in referring to the same question, says that " a legal gentleman on the train the other day was heard to remark that a prosecution for whisky selling might be met in some cases by the defence that the stuff sold was not whisky at all."

IT is amusing to notice the Auckland and Chrktchurc.h papers squabbling as to which of the two cities possesses the most " factories." Auckland, it appears, has proudly laid claim to 470 " factories," but the Christchurch journalists allege that the southern city contains no less than 600 ! What a farce it is this designation of every twopenny-halfpenny workshop as a " factory." Christchurch, with a population of less than 35,000 has, so we are told, 600 factories! Why bless my soul, if such a ■tatement were circulated in the Old Country the English readers would imagine that the Cathedral City was one mass of tall mill chimneys, one vast agglomeration of tali three-storied buildings, each with some scores, nay,' some hundreds of hands, whereas—well Christchurch is not exactly that sort of place. Neither is Auckland. The fact ;s that here in New Zealand we most woefully misuse the word factory. To dub a workshop wherein there may be a man and a boy—perhaps two boys—a "factory " is to convey a very misleading idea of our industries to the outsider. The word factory in the Old Country, and in America, implies a large building with not less than 100 hands at the lowest estimate. Why should we pretend to be what we are not. We have in this colony a few, very few, factories. Of workshops we have many—would that there were more employment for the tenants thereof—but of factories?, to use the word in the proper way, we have not more than a score or so. Why do we persist in assuming an industrial importance we do not possess. Six hundred factories in Christchurch! Whv at that rate we should have a second Manchester in the colony. And that we have not. Workshops, not factories, so please ye worthy journalists and legislators all.

TOHN BULL has got another " little • I war" on hand, and, judging by preeent appearances, will have to shell out a gcsd round sum of money before-it is Brought to a dose: also, a good many of those Sllant heroes of whom Mr Eudyard KpW has sung as "Queen Victoria's ■om" ™H probably lose the number of fheir mess before the Chitral usurper is

" squashed." Chitral is a little frontier state, all mountains and rugged defiles—-touo-h, rough country for our men —situated to the north of Cashmere and running well up to the Political Boundary which separates Russian and British spheres of influence—as the diplomatic phrase goes — south of the Pamir. Inhabited by savage tribesmen, who can fight like Old Nick himself, sort of first cousins to the Afridees and other tribes on the Afghanistan frontier of whose skill with the small sword Tommy Atkins has had frequent and often sorrowful experience, Chitral is a nasty country for European soldiers, but the Indian Government will probably give the work to the hardy Sikhs and the diminutive but remarkably tough Goorkhas, under British officers, of course, and before very many " moons " have passed by the usurper will have to clear out and a British-protected prince, shepherded by a British Resident, be once more in power. Meanwhile, the campaign will afford the Military Intelligence Department of the Indian Government some excellent opportunities of surveying a country through which, so it has been often asserted, Russia has hoped to find a pathway for her Asiatic auxiliaries into the fertile vales of Cashmere, and perhaps the rich Punjaub itself. At present, however, the probable compensation of future and valuable knowledge will, I am afraid, be accounted a very sorry comfort by the Indian Council, for Indian finances are notoriously in a very sickly condition just now, and a "little war, however diminutive in name, generally means a very big expense.

A COUNTRY paper, I notice, goes into mild ecstasies over the "wit and humour of Mr Crabb, the eminent temperance lecturer." Further down the same paragraph containing the above expression of opinion I find an example of Mr Crabb's "wit." One of the audience who had probably assisted at previous "functions," and was anxious to gain information upon an important financial point, seemingly inseparable from public meetings connected with "The Cause," cried out, "When are you going to take up the collection ?" To this Mr Crabb replied, "If I were to put a small tooth-comb * through your hair a couple of times (sic) I should have a large collection." This, I suppose, was a fair sample of tne "wit and humour" over which my contemporary has waxed enthusiastic. There's no accounting for tastes. Some people considered Talmage the wittiest lecturer they had ever heard, and yet one of his " jokes" was about as refined as that quoted above.

SOME most amusing incidents are reported to have occurred during the course of the Parish Councils elections recently held in the Old Country. Smart Mr Labouchere, of Truth, always on the lookout for " good copy," managed to get hold of some very funny election stories by means of one of his puzzle competitions in Truth* Some of these stories are printed in a recent number, and both candidates and voters figure comically in them. For instance, in the nomination paper, under the heading •" Description," one candidate described himself as "tall, dark, hazel eyes,""&c. In another case, in the published list of nominated candidates, one candidate had been objected to, and the objection sustained, and opposite his name had been printed " invalid." A friend 4 of the objected one seeing the list and "invalid" printed to his pal's name, remarked, "I knew he had been unwell, but had no idea he was an invalid/ " One of the best stories in which the candidates figure is the following: "In a certain parish in East Anglia, an ex-M.P., who was defeated at the last general election by a narrow majority, was a candidate for the office of parish councillor, with the result that he was at the bottom of the poll, whilst one of his labourers —a horseman on one of his farms—was at the head. Meeting the successful man a day or two after the election, the following dialogue took place:—Squire: 'Well, my man, I find you are more popular about here than I am; but 1 can't understand why.' Labourer: ' Well, you see, Squire, they du say that as you was turned out o' Parliament, you are not good, enough for our parish.'

IT is the voters, however, whose proceedings furnish the funniest stories. A great many of them arise out of misunderstanding of words, and the curate of a Sussex village must have been rather puzzled when one of the electors, who took an active interest in the parish council, elections, told him he had been in the parish only three months, that "he was sorry he could not denominate him, but he was illegible." Some people's notions of Hodge's ideas of politics are illustrated by the soliloquy of a labourer on his way to the poll: " Yes! yes ! Gladstone was a great man, but I main think he was too cute for us poor folk. When wotes was worth a fi'pun note, he kep uh all to hisself; and now, when they aint wurth a f arden, we all has un! Ah, he was main too clever for us." So he marches in and votes for the squire. And here, in conclusion, is the funniest of the lot: —A woman voter on entering the polling booth was escorted by the constable to the secret compartment for the purpose of voting. The constable, moreover, desirous that the secrecy enjoined by the Ballot Act should be carried out in its entirety, drew the curtain provided for the purpose over the entrance to the compartment, thus leaving the lady to exercise in privacy the franchise bestowed upon her by the Local Government Act, 1894. After waiting, as nearly as could be estimated, some twentyfive minutes, and finding the lady did not attempt to leave the compartment, the presiding officer thought it advisable to interfere with the voter, to ask if she had not recorded her vote, when, to his astonishment, on hearing the compartment, he was greeted with the following words, in a feeble, tremulous voice, " May I come out now ?"

WHATEVER newspaper proprietors may think of the way in which English and continental items of news are selected for transmission to the colonies, I can assure them that a large proportion of the public have the greatest horrible cmtempt for a lot of the wishy-washy rubbish which is cabled out, costing the proprietors of papers a large sum and yet possessing not the slightest possible interest to colonial readers. Take for example this cable message concerning a squabble between Whistler the artist and Moore the "realistic" novelist. The cableman in London begins his message thus: "The particulars of a case which is exciting some sensation in high circles are published;' and then proceeds to give details of a pettifogging row between the men referred to. As a matter of fact, both Whistler and Moore are well known to be keenly alive —like all second xate notabilities —to the value of a cheap advertisement. The firstnamed is an artist, considered by some to be a genius, by others—these latter are in a large majority—to be a charlatan. An American by birth, he achieved a certain celebrity in English art circles a few years ago by his "impressionist" pictures, and later on did some really very strong work portraiture. He now resides in Paris, and is notorious for his many personal eccentricities and for a certain biting wit of which his acquaintances are often the objects. As for Mr George Moore, he is the author of some more or less scrofulous novels of the modern "realistic" order, and of what is perhaps the most inane, most egotistical and decidedly the most unwholesome books ever published—l refer to that extraordinary production " The Confessions of a Young Man." But of what earthly interest is it to us colonials to know that these two gentlemen should have to come to loggerheads and that one of them should have sought after the other's gore, have challenged him to a duel, and that the duel did not come off. In all probability the challenge was but another of the many self-advertising dodges for which the ingenious Whistler already possesses such a reputation, and even had it been a genuine affair, I should like to know how it can be held to have any importance for New Zealanders, the majority of whom have probably never heard of either Whistler or Moore, and even if they have, wouldn't care a brass farthing if either cr both were dead to-morrow. It is such " hogwash "as this Whistler-Moore item which causes so many of the newspaper reading public to sneer and jeer at the " cableman " and his work, and small blame to those who do so jeer, for goodness only knows that hundreds of really important matters which occur inthe Old Country, on the Continent, and in the United States, are passed over in the cables with the most trifling notice. As to the "high circles," which the "cableman" tells us are in such a state of excitement over the duel that didn't come off, all I can say is that the "high circles" —what a deiiciously snobbish expression that is, by the way—must be precious hard /up for a sensation.

THERE will be few pressmen in these colonies who will not be sorry to notice the death of Mr Hayter, the famous Victorian statistician and the editor of that most useful and valuable compendium of facts and figures, the Victorian "¥ear Book. It is one of the books which, like the ever faithful Whittaker's Almanac, and the later and even more useful friend " Hazell v s Annual," no journalist can afford to be without. It may appear to some that it is an easy enough task to compile and collect statistics, but there is a special art involved the proper arrangement of the figures, and in this art Mr Hayter was ah admitted master. Victoria has lost in him an old and valued servant, and as I said before, his death will be sincerely regretted by all who have to do with the writing of leading articles.

AN Australian paper states, with what particular degree of accuracy I do not know, that the Japanese Government are much exercised in mind over the diminutive stature and poor physique of the nation over which the Mikado rules. A Parliamentary Commission was, so it is alleged, set up to enquire into the causes of this deplorable lack of stamina, the result of their labours being a resolution that it was due to the vegetable diet to which the nation has hitherto confined itself. This is a piece of news which would sorely afflict the mind of that worthy lady, Miss Yates, of vegetarian fame, but I see in it some rather pleasant possibilities so far as we New Zealanders are concerned, for the Japs have only to adopt a meat diet to afford an excellent market for our frozen mutton. When the war is over, we ought to be able to do a good business with Japan in this commodity. "By all means, let all future Japs be six feet high and correspondingly rotund of girth, if .only to bring about such a result a wholesale consumption of our mutton be required. And if, while they are about it, the Mikado's Government would issue a decree making the wearing of woollen instead of cotton clothes obligatory, they would confer another most decided favour upon this Colony.

BY the death of John L. Sullivan the world is well rid of the presence of the most prominent of the prize-fighting human brutes, with the records of whose achievements decent people who read the papers have so long been plagued. Sullivan was for years a splendid animal, who degraded himself for the sake of notoriety and dollars. Between his spells of training, necessary for his combats with similar worthies, he indulged in long bouts of drinking, and in his cups, is alleged to have been one of the foulest mouthed wretches that even America ever saw, and in the way of blasphemy the lower class American " sport" could give points to Uncle Toby's proverbial warriors who swore so hard in Flanders. Because he flung his money about he was accounted by some to be a generous soul, but his largesse went chiefly to bar loafers, the male and female riff-raff, of the saloons. Like other " heroes "

of the States' prize-ring, he enjoyed at one time a tremendous popularity, not only amongst gentry of his own kidney, but with many who ought to have known better than to pander to the vanity of a champion pug. At the zenith of his celebrity he was probably a much more popular man in the States than the president himself and the way in which he was glorified by the American press was enough to make outside journalists fear for the sanity of their Yankee confreres. Perhaps the most humourous incident in his career was his stage experiences. Totally devoid of elocutionary powers, a man of very defective education and the veriest stick as an actor that ever trod a stage, he actually toured the American continent from New York to 'Frisco, and drew large audiences. That he was a dismal failure as an actor when " imported" to Australia by a Sydney firm of entrepreneurs, who were more sanguine than sensible, speaks for the Australian theatre-going public. [Since the above was written there appears to be some doubt as to whether Sullivan is really dead or not.]

ME COLLINS, the southern M.H.E., has been lecturing, I notice, at the Christchurch Lyceum on the question, " Do we blaspheme ?" Upon which Christchurch Truth very pertinently enquires, " Did W.W. ever try to light a match when the head came off and lodged under his finger nail ?" In Wellington, so I am afraid, people do occasionally indulge in blasphemy. To leave a friend's house any time after twelve on a dark stormy night, and then to find that the electric lights—save the mark —are all out, well, I have known that to cause the most equably tempered citizens to blaspheme. But what Mr Collins no doubt referred to was another kind of blasphemy, the alleged blasphemy of outspoken disciples of what is so falsely styled " freethought." Freethinkers may, indeed they do blaspheme at times, but I fancy I have known some of the more hysterical Salvationists to be guilty of the same offence, of course unintentionally.

AT first sight it would appear that the German Reichstag acted very churlishly in refusing to pass a motion of congratulation to Bismarck on his birthday, for undoubtedly it was he who contributed more than any other man to the building up of the present German Empire. On the other hand, however, it must be remembered that for years he carried on a system of the most relentless warfare against the Socialists, and indeed every section in German politics that opposed an autocratic rule and strove for reform. The great mass of the German people never benefited one iota by the victories at Sadowa and Sedan, indeed the struggle for existence is said to be much more severe to-day in Germany than it was before Bismarck and the "pious William " founded the Empire. That such a motion should have been rejected is a sign of the times. It shows plainly that Socialism has grown" to be a great power in Germany, a power before which even the bumptious young Kaiser himself may sooner or later have to humble himself. Poor old Bismarck's declaration that the "salvation of Germany depended on its adherence to the dynasty" only shows how little he is capable of understanding the democratic drift which is going on all over Europe. As for the young Kaiser's "blow" about- "using the sword to suppress internal revolt" —that practically means that he thinks he can dragoon a free people into obedience to every Imperial freak and fancy. This sort of policy has been indulged in before by European monarchs, with the result that they lost their heads.