THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1199, 22 February 1895, Page 12

THE LAUGHTER-BOX.

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the widest men. Hudibhas. HER REASON. Wife : " The price of the clock was £2, but I got discount, so it only cost me 355." Husband: " Yes, but you could have got the same thing at Beezle's for «£l." Wife: " That may be, but then Beezle wouldn't have taken off anything." HOW HE TELLS THE TIME. "My father," said the small boy to the woman who was calling on his mother, " is a great man. He knows what time it is without even looking at his watch." " What do you mean, Tommy ?" queried the visitor. "Oh, when I holler out an' ask him what time it is in the morning, he always says it's time to get up. An' when I ask him what time it is in the evenin', he alius says, * Time to go to bed, Tommy.' Oh, I tell you my father is a great man." NO JOKE. This is a German story, and therefore, as the stolid Teuton is supposed to be incapable of a joke, it must be true: — Hans Miiller, a private in the Pomeranian grenadiers, on being sentenced to a flogging, went down into the barrack yard to undergo his punishment. The officer appointed to superintend the proceedings was rather surprised at the man's demeanour, something quite unusual on the like occasion. Miiller was evidently in good spirits, and had difficulty in repressing a strong inclination to laugh. At the first blow he exploded ;"■ his merriment increased during his cruel sufferings, and when at last he was left panting and bleeding on the ground in the yard he laughed till the tears came. " Now, then," said the bewildered officer, " what has come over you ? Why do laugh ?" " I am laughing," replied the victim, "because for the last half-hour you have been labouring under a tremendous delusion. There are two of us m the company—myself, Hans Miiller, and another, Fritz Miiller. Fritz was sentenced to receive a floo-o-ing, and here you have been thrashing me" 7 for the last twenty minutes." The Emperor sent his to Hans " for not complaining until he had taken his punishment."

AN OLD SAW. Will married a girl of years a score, Who weighed two hundred pounds or more, And now people point to them and say, " Where there's a Will there's always a weigh.'' SNIPPETS AND SMILES. He : " Oh, I'm not so big a fool as you think." She: " Of course not; that were impossible." . " Is young Jimkins improving in his violm work ?" " I dunno. Either he's improvin' or we're gettin' used to it ?" He: "I hear Miss Oldgirl is going to marry Tommy Small." She: "la that so ? I wonder if he knows it ?" " So your eldest son holds a position of trust, eh ? Cashier in a bank ?" J* Nop j manager of a big instalment house." Student: " Professor, which is tbe logical way of reaching a conclusion ?" Professor: " Take a train of thought, my boy." He : " Charlotte, I love you ; can you not return my affection ?" She : " I'm afraid j I'll have to, as I have no use for it." ' j He: " You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume ?" She : " Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me." " Oh yes, when I was in England I was enthusiastically received in court circles." She (snippy): "What was the charge . against you ?" No thought of comfort men recall To cheer life's sullen lot; j The autumn leaves will surely fall; The price of coal will not. Young Man: "Look out! There's a mouse." The Advanced Young Woman (calmly): « Oh, how cunning. Can't you coax the little dear out this way ?" Radbourn : " So old Sphinxleigh is dead. Well, he was a conundrum." Chesney: "Yes, he was a conundrum. Even the grave will have to give him up some day." " Why do you make some of your dumplings small and the others large, Erau Huber ?" " Because my husband has been complaining lately of having too little change in his diet." Seedy Samson :' " You see, your Honour, I was intoxicated with joy over . His Honour : " The intoxication may have been of joy, but the odour is the odour of alcohol. Thirty days." "Well. Freddy, you got whipped in

school to-day?" " Yes, but it did not "But you certainly have been crying? " Oh, I wanted to let the teacher have a little pleasure out of it." " No, he doesn't love me," she sighed as she listened to the receding footsteps of the youth who had just departed from her. " No, he doesn't love me. He said goodnight only four times before going." "Mrs Flatter : " George dear, the cook is going to-morrow." George: " Why, what is the matter with her? I thought she liked the place." Mrs F.: *« That is the trouble. She says she is too contented with us."

" Well, Mary, what did you think of the pictures at the Academy ?" " Oh, mum, there was a picture there called ' Ten dogs after Landseer,' but I looked at it for nearly half-an-hour and I couldn't see no Landseer." Georgie (aged 7, being undressed and put to bed): " I wish I was a Freemason" Mamma: "Why, dear?" Georgie: "Cause papa is so jolly when he comes home from the lodge, and you let him go to bed without undressing." Grocer (to commercial traveller): "No; don't send me no rice. I ain't near out of it. The couples as used to get married at St. Chad's across the way have took to goin' to the registrar's, and there ain't 'ardly no demand."