THE SKETCHER.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 1130, 27 October 1893, Page 12

THE SKETCHER.

THE DIARY OF A CANDIDATE; OR, THE WOES OF MR WOBBLE. (BY 'SCRUTATOR.') Jonesville, Monday. What a worry this electioneering is to be sure. After having been Mayor of Jonesville for three years, after being a member of precious nearly every institution in the place, one would have thought that 1 should have been returned unopposed, but no, Jones is out, and Brown is out, and they evidently intend to make things very warm for me with trie electors. However, it's no use grizzling over the opposition I've got—the thing to be done is to jot down the events of each day in my diary. Let me see. What have I done today? After breakfast I took a walk up town, and dropped into the blacksmith's. He's a great Single-taxer, but I was ready for him, having 'mugged up' Henry George for some time past, and read O'Regan's speeches through and through. Agreed with the blacksmith that there ' was a great deal more in this Single Tax theory than most people were aware of,' and hugely delighted him by saying that 1 had noticed that * Single-taxers' were, as a rule, men of an unusually high order of intelligence.' The blacksmith was highly pleased at this, and I think I made a friend of him. Outside his shop, however, I met old McMerino, the squatter, who -bailed me up,' to use his own expression, about the land question. Had to go slow with McMerino, who .reads the Christchurch Press regularly,' and looks upon Seddon as the direct descendant of Satan, and so put the matter very guardedly by saying that although I would strongly object to any policy of spoliation, any interference with existing properties; yet, at the same time, I would oppose any more large areas of land being; acquired by speculators. McMerino seemed satisfied, as he has about 50,000 acres of the finest land in the Province, and doesn't want any more. He told his -friend, Sliprail, as- the pair sat on the fence of the saleyards, that ' Wobble wasn't bo bad as he had thought—has some very sensible views on the land question—none of that d d Single-tax tommy-rot about him, judging by what he has just told me.' Unfortunately the blacksmith, who had been standing by, heard the last words, and now seems to doubt the sincerity of whit I had told him. Awkward this—must be careful in future, for the blacksmith is a big man in the Knights of Labour, and can control a lot of votes. Tuesday Night. This afternoon I called on Mrs Quiverfull, the local secretary of the Women's Christian-Temperance Union, and agreed with her that a marble statue of Sir John Hall should be erected in the grounds of the Parliamentary buildings. Assured her positively that there was no truth in the report that I had stopped at the same .ju&el in Wellington as Mr H. S. Fish. On the contrary, T made it clear to her that I looked upon Mr Fish as a man who ought not to be in the House—' a mere mouth-piece of the accursed drink traffic, madam, I assure you.' Promised to take a hundred copies a week of the Prohibitionist, and to subscribe to the fund for supplying Chinamen with tracts, and evidently made a very good impression on the lady. Unfortunately, just as I was about to leave, one of her eight children entered the room and frantically embraced me round my new light summer pants—he had been consuming treacle and bread—principally treacle—and he left two long treacly traces, like the marks of a tarry rope, around my * breeks.' I lot out something that must have sounded like a ' d n' for this evening one of the little Quiverfulls came round to my house with a bundle of tracts headed, ' Blasphemer, Stop in Time on thy Hellhound Path,' and the child left a message that her ' ma wished Mr Wobble to be sure and read the tracts right through.' Felt that I must have left a bad impression after all on Mrs Quiverfull, so went down to the pub for a drink and a hob-nob with O'Henessey, an old friend, and one of my staunchest supporters. He's rather an expensive acquaintance, is O'Henessey just now, as he evidently expects me to spend a lot of money ' for the good of the house,' and promises he will * make |ifc" all right' on the election

day. Meanwhile he gave me same vety bad whisky out of a white-labelled Usher bottle, but I thought it injudicious to remark that I had seen his wife filling up. the bottle out of a two-gallon jar in the bar, and had heard her say that, ' this cheap stuff goes down fine with the bushmen, Jim.' Wanted to talk to O'Hennessey in his private but he in-. sistee upon me going into the big bar. . 1 Looks better, 1 he said, ' the men will say you're ' stuck-up ' if you don't mix . with them.' '.„■. 'Mixed with them' therefore, and.spent nearly two notes in shouting. Got on all right with them except one old fellow, who growled out I was '.a adjec- '• lived toff.' because I wouldn't have a long beer with him, after I had had tlnee whiskys. When home, slept badly, and dreamt I saw Mrs Quiverfull on the platform at one of my opponents' meetings. '.\\ ~.~\'■,',.. Wednesday Night. Got up with a bad headache. Must have been that wretched whisky. Shall ask o'Hennes3y to let me have a private bottle in future. Jones, one of my oppo- '■' nents, is a smart man, so I see by this morning's Settlers' Sentinel: He's got the £ Sentinel, the rag that isn't on my side, to re-print an account of the laying of the foundation stone of the new Town Hall. On that occasion Jones nude a speech in which he sketched the early history of the place, and made out that if it had not been for his efforts Jonesville'would 1 still be a combination of desert and swamp. The Sentinel, I notice,, hss a back-handed slap at me in a sentence referring to 'comparative newcomers a»suming that the temporary occupation' of a position of municipal distinction warrants citizens of manifest political incapacity putting themselves j forward as candidates for such an intelligent and intellectual constituency as Jonesville electorate.' 'lmpudence never went; further,' concluded the article. I'll be even with the Sentinel people for tikis. They only got the borough advertising last year on my casting vote, and I'll take good care it goes to the Herald office in future. The Herald, which is a very re 4, spectable paper, I may mention, supports my candidature. rr Kv> Brown is working hard to'ge6 tlft Catholic 7ote., Thats certain, but there'' are not many Catholics in the district, and as the Presbyterians and Wesleyans are very strong, I wrote to the Herald , editor to-day, asking the editori toft make it clear to the electors that ' Mr Wobble, the independent candidate, will, we are glad to hear, tolerate no such disastrous disruption of our glorious system of free, secular, and compulsory education, as is snow being, cated by a noisy but 'insignificant section ofJithe I sketched Out ah: article for the Herald, but'; as 1 the editor ; is his own compositor—with the aid of his two boys—and has to report the local meetings, and keep his own books, and turn the handle of the machine, and take the copies round the towriahip-wlienlEhe ' rag' is out for the week, he is ratherj.a—busy man just now, so I shall : go down to-morrow and see that he has got the thing all right. '['■ : '""'f' :1 ::^:' : . Thursday Night. ~ The Herald article is out, and has created some sensation. Two big Irishmen came round to see me in an awful rage, but I sweetened 'em by reminding* them that I had subscribed to the Home Basle._ Fund, and taken the chair at John Grillem's meeting. I think they'll be.all right, though I noticed they looked'fcutf; j ',, picious when McSnuffle, the local draper, and secretary of the Orange lodge Called and I had to leave them to hi'uT in the hall. McSnuffle is delighted with the education manifesto and I think J.'\re secured him and his lot. '.-;'_ ■? ' i' ; Had rather a watit ti*ne of it tV>« afternoon with the Prohibitionist headed by Longfellow Jones, issfra. veiling . temperance lecturer, now in? the district. He left me a list of twenty-two questions which 1- have to answer before..they decide as to whom they will support/.' Must be very careful, for O'Henoessey swears he ' ain't agoin' to stand any 'arf and'erf in the matter, and there's *o gainsaying the fact that he does control a lot of votes at election times. ; The deputation wanted to know, if it were true that I had an interest in the Jonesville brewery (that's a yarn set afloat by that accursed Sentinel)!, -and that I am an advocate of compensation. Having a mortgage on the brewery, I was rather in a corner, but out of the > difficulty by assuring the deputation that* I hsd no interest in the brewery, (didn't tell them I had a mortgage on it). As to compensation, that was a bit stiff, seeing how I stand with O'Hennessey. However, I declared strongly against compensation, said it was a monstrous thing, couldn't hear of it, and . Must go down to the pub to-night before the landlord hears of this, and gets his back up. Shall tell him it's only an election promise, and say that if I get into Parliament I can easily go jiuto the wrong lobby—of course, by mistakewhen the question comes on. Jones had a good meeting to-night. Hall packed, and I didn't like the way the people cheered him when he. said' r he was not one of those men who went "about agreeing with every body and touting for votes.' (A Voice.—' That's up against your duck house. Wobble.') It was rather mean of him, too, to insinuate . that I had only gone into the Borough Council in order to g9t a road made up to my house. However, I'll pay him out far that. When my meeting comes on ill

remind the people how Jones induced thei ratepayer* to h*ve the township lit with some patent oil gas (in which he had an interest), and how the thing was a ghastly failure, the pipes having to be taken up, and three children being nearly burnc to death through one of the lamps bursting when a bun scramble was going on at the Town Hall. That'll fix him. : Friday Night. deputations to-day. The secretary of the Jonesville brass band called for a subscription Offered him a guinea. and said, ' Come, Air Wobble*', tins won't do. Why, Mr Jone»4fes puc his name for three guineas, Brown foa five. Surely you are hot going to let them beat you.' Subscribed ten pounds on condition that the bandmaster composes a 'Wobble Waltz,' and plays it outside the hall on the night of my meeting. He had no sooner got outside the door when two parsons arrived fcr subscriptions to their Churci building funds. were followed by the captain of the local crickec club, who remarked in the course of conversation that the club owed ■•iO'He.iessey LlO for the supper given to the Bushtown team on their last visit to Jonesville, and th.it O'Henessey had suggested that' Mr Wobble would be only too glad to help the club out of their troubles.' Confound O'Hennessey —he's determined to make me pay stifly for hjiK«tifpport. The footballers came next, and got a couple of guineas subscription, having thought that I should be pleased to hear that I had just been elected a vice president of the club ! So I wftf, forl.khow there are a lot of footballers about the place, but when next day I heard that Jcnes and Brown had also been elected vice-presi lents, I felt rather aiiaoyed, and it certainly was un pleasant, when going down town afterwards, I saw the football club secretary and the cricket club captain hobnobbing outside .the bank, and heard them discussing the interesting question as to ' which was the biggest mug of the three.' The three meant myself and Jones and Br#ji.! t.--/.,' !

''jp[ardj»fc'work all day preparing for my meeting to-morrow night. Think it ought' to be a success. Have read over the; speeches of Stout, and Seddon, and Rolleston, and the rival manifestoes of the Prohibitionists and the Licensed Vic-tuallers-Association. .Also have gota few good local jokes off by heart. O'Hennessey has arranged to have a lot of men at the back—at ten bob each—to cheer at .the right moment, and two of the rootbail forwards have been squared by my son Jack to 'chuck out' anybody who persists in any unseemingly interruptions. }. 4lsnio#t annoying thing occurred today. Mrs Wobble had carefully worked Up a Ladies' Committee in my interest-, and the first meeting was held this afternoon, at the Church" Schoolroom. After I had addressed the meeting myself, Miss Corkscrew, an elderly spinster of great local reputation as a speaker, and who occupied the chair, spoke for some time. thing was going on all right. Miss Corkscrew was expounding the rights and duties of women, and the ladies all seemed interested, whilst I sat on the platform and looked as mild and proper i as possible, when all at once there was a' wild shriek from a lady in the audience, than another, followed by the most piercing screamsirom all parts of the building. The ladies jumpedup on their chairs, or TMi4o,„the platform, others rushed for the door— was a scene of the wildest excitement. What had happened to create all this hullabaloo? Simply this : Tommy, my youngest boy, who is a 'nipper' of most mischievous tendencies, had heard me say one night, merely in a jocular way, that' I'd just like to see a cage full of mice let loose in a woman's political meeting,' and that 'l'd wager it would soon knock all the politics out of their heads.' The young rascal, it appears, had • taken meat my word, and had captured some dozen or so of lively mice, taken them into the room in a cage wrapped up in paper, and when the meeting was in full swing, and Miss Corkscrew in the middle of her speech, he had pulled a string, opened the cage door, and let loose the mice The meeting broke up in the utmost confusion, and to add to my disgust, that wretched Tommy, whom I had seized by the , collar and soundly cuffed, sobbed out in the. hearing of all the women, 4 'Taint my fault, pa, didn't you tell me to do it.' Miss Corkscrew was specially furious, arid/refused to hear any explanation. She sailed out of the room in high dis- , dain. I heard her threaten to come to •my meeting and show mo up, 'as one ' who had deliberately insulted the women of the colony.' I begin to feel rather anxfous about that meeting.

:■•■'"'■• Saturday Night. , It is all over—both my meeting and my candidature. No more political contests for me. Brown and Jones can fight the matter out now—l shan't interfere. There were a lot of people in town all day, .and when I went downtown—and called in at O Hennessey's—l seemed to be very popular. Had a chat with O'Henessey, and it was astonishing what a lot of men 'rolled up ' at the bar when O'Henessey said, 'lt's my turn now,' and shouted for the crowd. Still, I should have hardly thought there were '4O drinks served, yet that is what O'Hennessey said there were, and I had to pay for that number. This electioneering, is, becoming rather expensive. The .meeting was to begin at 8 sharp, so went dowu to the hall about half-past seven. The band were there playing what wag

supposed to be the * Wobble Waltz*' Itwas a dismal production, and certainly not worth LlO, The crowd evidently don't appreciate it, for one fellow cried, ' Cut it short, Chips,' (the bandmaster is the local carpenter), and tip us something lively—''• Tar-rar-boom-der-ay,"' which the band did, just as the members of the local branch, of the W.C.T.U. went into the hall, and I distinctly heard Mrs Quiverfull remark, ' Surely Mr Wobble could have got the band to play something better than that—a low ballet tune, my dear.' And then, for Chiys to rush up to mo for 'beer money' just as I was talking ta Longfellow Jones, the travelling temperance lecturer, was most unwise. 'So like a band.'

The meeting, ah, the meeting—how can I write of it ? To. think that I, William Wobble, Esq., J.P., thrice Mayor of Jonesvillo, should be hissed, should .be howled at, should be pelted—at the end—with eggs of unmistakeable age and very indifferent odour, is dreadful, yet that is precisely what happened. The interruptions were so many that I had to cut the speech short. O'Henessey's men, who were to keep order, had evidently fortified themselves too freely with the ' Bushman's ' Brand—at my expense—and made more noise than anyone else, and everything went wrong But when the questions came on matters became worse. Having declared myself on the education question, the secretary of the Orange Lodge and an Irish gentleman who was not an Orangeman, got up, and each accused me of having deceived him ; the blacksmith insisted upon shouting out ' land grabber' when I said that I could not altogether agree with the Single Taxers, and as a climax Mrs Quivertull and Miss Corkscrew both ascended the platform and said that they considered my moral character was not such as they looked for in a candidate, and they must therefore recommend the people not to vote for me. This settled it. The ladies carried the meeting with them, and after a vote of confidence had been moved and seconded, an amendment of thanks only was carried by a large majority. Tho ladies having then lefr, egg and flour throwing was indulged in, and several windows were broken, for which, of course, I shall have to pay. 1 have thought the matter over, and have decided to throw up the fight once and< for all. The Jonesville people are a lot of ungrateful hounds, and I'wish Jones and Brown joy with them. Aud now to write a letter to the editor of the Herald, announcing that I have relinquished my candidature, and then to bed. EXTRACTS FROM THE JOKES- • VILLE PRESS. (From the Jonesville Herald, Monday). —Our readers will notice with the deepest regret that Mr William Wobble, the Independent candidate, has decided to retire from the contest. The vilescurrihties hurled against him by our local contemporary and the abominable behaviour of the larrikin readers of that' rag' at the meeting on Saturday night have so disgusted Mr Wobble that ho has come to the conclusion which we have recorded above. Another instance of an honourable, intelligent man, of high commercial and social position, being driven out of politics by the disgraceful Billingsgate of a debauched and degraded press and of those who support it.

(From the Settlers 1 Sentinel.) The effect of our articles on the impudent and ridiculous candidature of the so-called ' independent candidate,' Mr Facing-Both-Ways Wobble, has been such as to drive that bumptious person ojt of the field of politics, into which he never should have entered. Day after day and week after week we mercilessly and scathingly exposed his political incapacity and total lack of those qualities for which we look in one who aspires to to honour of representing so large, so intelligent, so important a constituency as Jonesville, and the overwhelming majority by which the amendment was carried on Saturday night proved conclusively that the public have taken our advice to heart, aud have decided against Mr Wobble. We are sorry for Mr Wobble, for we feel that had it not been for the servile adulation of his wretched tool, the so-called ' journalist' who edita that wretched print, the Herald, he would net have so long persisted in his candidature, and have thus exposed himself to ridicule and to inevitable disappointment and failure which has overtaken him.